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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

Categories
Accountability Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Conscience Courage Curiosity Decency Depression Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Frustration Gratefulness Guilt Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
Categories
acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Ignorance Imagination Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Shame Social Awareness Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

I — USED TO THINK

I — USED TO THINK
 
I used to think
A tree was just a tree
I saw it with my own mind
Roots, trunk, branches, leaves.
 
I used to think
You were different than me
I saw it with my own mind
Bodies, fences, judgement, fear.
 
Thanks to my mentor, I met me
For a moment, I stopped thinking,
In stillness, my mind cracked open
Discovering sunshine cooling breeze within.
 
How refreshing
To hear inside the giggles of a small child
Who never thought we were separate
Who’s always known we all belong.
 
Because of my love for this child and me
The lines in my mind are becoming blurry
If there is nothing separating you from me
Then, who am I? What are we?
 
Willing to know, I ask her to show me the way
How I may serve her from a place of integrity
Laughing, she is showing a world full of wonders
Where roots and bodies, you and me,
Are merging into, this or something greater,
Then… I used to think.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
 
To know more about Soul Leadership: www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
P.S. With this post, I am including more forms and patterns I have seen when opening up pictures. This time, I am not showing the pictures they may have originated from because I want you to imagine what can possibly give rise to …
Categories
acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Social Awareness Space Speaking Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

AWAKENING

AWAKENING
 
I awoke in the middle of the night,
Frightened and scared,
Thinking I was alone.
I looked around the bedroom,
Stillness and shadows greeting me.
What an unfamiliar sight, I thought to myself,
To be alone with one’s thoughts,
To be shyly greeting one’s feelings.
 
Out of habit,
I called out a name,
Thinking you would come,
But the echo came back empty.
I did not yet understand,
Love is neither a name or a game,
It is a flowing feeling,
Like waves, rising and falling,
Amidst our own waters.
 
Thinking I knew better,
I turned my bed into a raft,
I paddled day and night,
Still hoping to find you,
Afloat on another raft nearby.
 
Feeling more lost than ever,
I finally stopped doing this crazy thing,
And started instead to
Listen to the wind
Who has always known my name.
 
It said,
“Dive,
Dive deep within,
For the one you are looking for,
The Beloved,
Is awaiting.”
 
I told the Wind,
“I am no Mermaid,
To flag my tale under water.”
And the Wind softly replied,
“Trust and Have Faith,
Within you is always the Way.”
 
So I took a majestic dive
Perhaps the way Dolphins do?
Feeling my own breathing
Echoing back to me
The beauty of universes within.
 
I now use my raft as a diving board,
In whatever room I find myself in,
I remember Ocean Waves belong
To the One
Awakened in the middle of the night.
 
With Deep Gratitude,
Anne
 
Dov Baron, thank you for being the Wind speaking softly to me, I am grateful
 
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
Categories
Stress Success Work Performance

WHAT DOES EQ HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR ABILITY TO BUY CHRISTMAS GIFTS?

FROM THE DESK OF YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE GEEK. I am starting a new column where I am going to showcase and explain to you research on Emotional Intelligence. Nothing like statistics to please the Economist in me. I must admit a part of me is feeling quite at home right now among all these standard deviations, linear regressions, and squared correlations ratios. So, pull up a chair, read up, this is awesome stuff!
CATCH OF THE DAY: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE VS. WORK PERFORMANCE
Ready? Here we go. 75,000 individuals (primarily managers and employees from over 15 workplace sectors) from 126 countries were researched to see how much of their performance at work was linked to emotional intelligence.
These magnificent individuals were tested on 4 elements of work performance:

  • Effectiveness (Can they generate results?)

  • Relationships (Can they build and maintain networks?)

  • Well-being (Can they maintain optimal energy while working?)

  • Quality of life (Can they maintain work balance and feel fulfilled?)

 

Guess what the researchers found out? They have nailed

THE TWO LARGEST CONTRIBUTORS TO WORK PERFORMANCE:

  • Exercising optimism (THE ABILITY TO SEE POSSIBILITIES)

  • Engaging intrinsic motivation (INTERNAL DRIVE)

 
You might be thinking, what do these two things have to do with your ability to buy me a Christmas gift?
You know how work bonuses are mainly tied to performance? Yes?
Then you also probably know how work bonuses are usually paid towards the end of the year? Yes?
The main problem is, we think that by working harder, putting in more hours at work, we believe we will increase our performance and our boss will magically give us more bonus money… for us to buy Christmas gifts…. but it’s not necessarily true…. as many of you sadly know.
 

Here is why: Research shows that your overall performance at work is 55% correlated… just think of your index finger pointing at one o’clock from where you are standing right now…. as I was saying… your work performance is 55% correlated to your ability to see possibilities (think outside the box) and your willingness to take action (internal drive). Don’t know about you, but I do not see ‘put in more hours’ in that equation!

 
Just imagine sitting at your desk and leaving the long working hours to someone else. Imagine going home to Junior with a smile on your face and plenty of energy to spare to play with him. How amazing a life is that? Awesome, right?
So, let me ask you, how important is it to you to have a great family life?
What is it worth to you to have a big fat bonus at Christmas without literally having to bust your ass at work?
My name is Anne Beaulieu. I am an internationally accredited emotional intelligence coach. I assist people like you kicking ass at work (increase work performance) so they don’t get their ass kicked at home (divorce over financial issues), which will give everyone plenty of time to buy well-deserved Christmas gifts! Call is yours. I can be reached at 1-778-888-4507 or anne@walkinginside.com
Connect with me!
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
 
#emotionalintelligence #emotionalgeek #walkinginside #workperformance #fatbonus
 

Categories
Gratefulness Magic Success

How Do We Move to Success?

HOW DO WE MOVE TO SUCCESS?
Since Jan 1, I have read many posts promising to help the reader lose weight, make money, find ‘their’ soul mate, etc. In many of these posts, I find out thatĝ success is apparently just that, a mindset. For example, I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it. I beg to differ.
Personally, I believe I can accomplish anything if I put my heart in it first. Now, what happens when our heart is aching? Maybe we have lost a loved one or a job we were depending on. Maybe someone dear to us got sick and we are worried about them. Maybe we are dealing with some internal demons in the form of depression, gambling, and/or other addictions. If such is the case, what do you tell a heart that is stuck in pain and finds it difficult to move forward?
As we all know, well-intended souls are quick to tell us ‘Pull yourself together!’, ‘What’s wrong with you?’, or ‘Why can’t you just be like everyone else?’ This kind of comment actually stirs many of us away from motivation even more. In the past, when I heard ‘Pull yourself together!’, I felt like I was somehow stupid and did not know how to take care of myself. When I heard ‘What’s wrong with you?’, I felt inadequate and sad. When I heard ‘Why can’t you be like everyone else?’, I felt like I did not belong. Maybe I am the only one who has ever felt like that? Na. Most likely not.
Tell me something. When someone feels stupid, inadequate, sad, and/or does not have a sense of belonging, how is that person supposed to move forward and become successful again? Ah, yes, I remember. The mind. Must. Put. The. Mind. First. Here’s a news flash. The mind does not feel. Therefore, when the mind is put first, even if ‘success’ comes, it is not truly felt. This is why there are so many unhappy millionaires in this world. Even the brainiest ones.
When I ask my clients what they want most in their life, here is the number one answer: ‘I just want to be happy.’ My job as a coach is to move these people towards motivation. What does being happy look like to you? Taste like? Feels like? As they describe and become clearer on their dream, their internal vibration rises. Their heart becomes engaged. As their heart becomes engaged, the wheels of their mind becomes unstuck as it searches for viable solutions to fulfilll their dreams. I will say it over and over again. When the heart is engaged, it will move mountains. This is what coaches like me do. We keep your heart engaged in your dreams until you can own them by yourself.
As you set your resolutions for this year, ask yourself ‘Who is on my team helping me feel my dreams into reality today?
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com/blog
www.fullmontyleadership.com