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Emotional Intelligence Silent Treatment

HOW TO OVERCOME THE SILENT TREATMENT

THAT MOMENT… when you are so pissed off … that the temperature in the room drops by at least ten degrees …

In that room, you quickly turn your back on your loved one… wanting to make a “solid” point.

Because you are feeling angry and hurt, you become silent … your body and mind showing rejection …

THAT MOMENT  …

we all know … the silent treatment game has begun.

 

Ego or Heart?

Are you like me? One of the things I used to crave most in my life was to have people love and validate me.

Full of expectations, I then looked into another person’s eyes, wanting to please them more than anything else in the world.

Ask anyone! I would have done anything for my life partner and my three children. I wanted to see them happy and thriving on my love. Do you want to see your loved ones happy and thriving on your love?

However, my loving mindset changed immediately the moment I believed my loved ones did something wrong. For example, my life partner failed to return my phone call on time, or one of my kids went to a friend’s house without telling me first.

THAT MOMENT … Didn’t they get that I was there to rule their world, so we all lived happily ever after?

No! In THAT MOMENT, it seemed they had missed my loving memo. Again!

Falsely believing that my loved one had betrayed me, I felt more like a Cinderella sweeping chimneys than a beloved queen.  THAT MOMENT … Someone had to pay! And I knew just how to exercise payment. I was a master at the silent treatment game. What about you?

During the silent treatment game, I looked at my loved ones with angry eyes without verbally expressing a single word. Furthermore, my ego liked watching them tiptoe around me in fear.

If anyone had asked me what I was doing in THAT MOMENT … Of course, I was being loving! Can you relate?

What does playing the silent treatment game say about us?

It has taken years of therapy to realize what the silent treatment game has done to me and my loved ones. I got divorced. My kids got angry and resentful. I lost myself completely.

Here are some more of my findings:

  • Silent treatment demonstrates a high level of rejection for everyone playing the game… including ourselves! By not acknowledging someone’s presence, we portray to them that they do not exist in our eyes. By ignoring our own feelings and emotions, by default, we stop existing in our eyes as well. Seriously, how loving is that?

 

  • Silent treatment is used to prove there is something deeply wrong with the other person. If you believe you are right (what the silent treatment implies), then the other person might end up highly doubting themselves to the point where they falsely believe that there is something wrong with them (especially if you are a master at the game). The silent treatment game resolves nothing in a loving way because it perpetuates wounds.

 

  • Silent treatment is a form of emotional shut-down. Unable to handle our own feelings and emotions in THAT MOMENT, we are the ones who are actually emotionally shutting down by blaming the other person for their “lack” of understanding. How hypocritical is that?

Having said that …

Here are four (4) easy steps to stop playing the silent treatment game:

  • Question your intent. You can only control yourself, your own feelings and your own emotions. If you agree to play the silent treatment game, what is yet to be resolved within you that you accept to treat others (and yourself) like less than a full feeling human being deserving compassion?

 

  • Go within. When you’re about to enter THAT MOMENT, ask yourself,  ‘What can I do right now to remain emotionally connected to myself and the person while feeling angry and hurt?’ For example, hugging a loved one while feeling hurt is a MATURE way to separate the loved one from their unwanted behaviours. Same goes for us.

 

  • Make it safe. Have compassion for yourself and your loved ones. Maybe someone pissed in your life’s partner coffee cup that he could not return that phone call. Maybe your child was just being a child when they went to their friend’s house without telling you first. Realize that the real issues here have everything to do with our perceptions.

 

  • Stop playing the silent treatment game. Enough already. 

I trust you have found value in this article. If you are truly determined to build a loving, healthy relationship with yourself and your loved ones, I can assist you.

My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an emotional intelligence coach serving women who are sick and tired of the silent treatment game and want to experience something different in their life.

Connect with me at https://walkinginside.com/contact-us/

With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com

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Emotional Intelligence Silent Treatment

HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF SILENCE

Fear of silence is a learnt behaviour, which means that it can be unlearned.

It is early morning and you enter a conference room where everyone is taking their seat without saying a word. How do you feel about the quietness in the room?

Do you secretly worry about why no one is talking?
 
Nervously laughing, do you make a joke to lighten up the mood?

How about … do you emotionally zone out while waiting for someone to speak?

Maybe even … do you anxiously scroll through your Instagram account(s) while waiting for the meeting to start?

What do you do when you feel there’s “no sound” around you?

 

For many of us, silence can be uncomfortable. According to Larry D. Rosen’s research spanning over six years and observing 580 undergraduate students, he found out that their struggle with it is a learnt behaviour.

Let’s see …

As a child, I feared awkward quietness. To me, it meant reproachful looks from my father, an index finger pointing at my face from my mother, or even watching my sibling’s back as they walked away from me without saying a single word. In my child’s mind …. silence was equal to punishment, and I feared punishment. Can you relate?

Therefore, it is any wonder so many of us dread a “no sound” zone? 

Until we become aware of the negative meanings we have been assigning to quietness, we might continue perpetuating the false belief that “no sound” is  “punishment.” 

How can we overcome feeling dread in a  “no sound” zone?

 

Here are four (4) rock solid coaching tips to assist you in overcoming your fear of silence:

 

  • Ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling right now?’ When you enter a room where no one is talking, what are you feeling? Are you feeling peaceful? Angry? Sad? Every time you are meeting with silence, pinpoint the feelings you associate with it in the moment.

 

  • Ask yourself, ‘Who does this remind me of?’ A fear of silence is often associated with negative events from our childhood. For example, if your boss looks at you reproachfully without saying a single word, does this remind you of your father? Mother? Sibling? Anyone?

 

  • Intend to befriend quietness. Since the fear of silence is a learnt behaviour, this means that fearful behaviour can also be unlearned. Make silence your friend. Ask yourself, ‘What can I do right now to befriend silence?’ It is the fear of ‘awkward’ silence that makes us uncomfortable and do silly things, never the silence itself. 

 

  • Embrace silence wholeheartedly. for example, practice keeping silent when someone else is sharing; slowly count to five before sharing your point of view; meditate thirty to fifty minutes daily; etc.

Silence has much to teach us when we let it speak quietly. 

After reading this article and doing the exercises, if you still find it difficult to overcome your fear of silence, maybe it’s time to invest in yourself and receive EQ coaching. Connect with me here: https://walkinginside.com/contact-us/
Your EQ coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com

Another great resource to look into is https://fullmontyleadership.com
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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

What if I were to tell you that taking responsibility has nothing to do with shaming or guilt tripping, what would you answer to that?
If you are like the old me, you might answer something like:
“That’s horse shit!”
“Of course taking responsibility comes with shame and guilt! How else do you expect anyone to become responsible if they do not feel wrath?”
 
But is it true? 
 
 
Just so we are on the same page here, I believe
 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

means to

ACKNOWLEDGE the CHOICES we have MADE

and

ACCEPTING THE RESULTS we currently have.

 
 

The CHOICES we have made, being:

-> The words we spoke

-> The actions we took

-> The words we refused to speak

-> The actions we refused to take

 
 

The RESULTS we currently have, being:

-> what we currently perceive as good, bad, or ugly in our life

 
 
When my children were little, like any good parent I guess, I wanted to teach them about taking responsibility.
Case at point…
As my young son kept leaving his socks scattered all over the house, I yelled at him and gave him the cold shoulder. One day, I lost my shit and put all his clean and dirty socks into one big bag that I hid inside my bedroom closet. With zero socks to wear the next day, that ought to teach him, right?
 
 

How many of you have ever used yelling, 

given the cold shoulder, or

taken away a privilege 

as a way to teach someone how to take responsibility?

 
 
Now let’s assume for a moment
we all agree on the definition of taking responsibility:
 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY 

means to

ACKNOWLEDGE the CHOICES we have MADE

and

ACCEPTING THE RESULTS we currently have.

 
 
Let’s look at the sock tragedy.
 

  • Did my son acknowledge the ‘bad’ choice he had made, aka leave his socks scattered all over? No, he did not. Why not?

 
 

To ACKNOWLEDGE a perceived ‘bad’ behaviour, 

one has first to be aware INSIDE THEMSELVES 

that something might need to change. 

 
If this is true, then either my son was unaware of his sock behaviour (clearly not the case based on my yelling alone) or his sock behaviour suited him just fine. Therefore, in his view, there might have been nothing needing change inside of him, hence the lack of acknowledgement?…
 
 
 

  • Did my son accept the results he currently had, aka, have all his socks hidden in my closet? No, he did not have to. Why not?

 
 

To ACCEPT a RESULT, 

one has to first acknowledge

they have played a role in said result.

 
 
Let me remind you here…
Who yelled? Me.
Who gave the cold shoulder? Me.
Who hid the socks? Me. 
Soooo, if I did not teach my son how to take responsibility, what is it exactly I have taught him?
 

  • Tuning out. From me, he has learned how to disconnect, ignore, dismiss. Sounds harsh? How many of you tune out when someone is yelling at you?

  • Becoming invisible. From me, he has learned to soothe and please in order to appease irregardless of his feelings and emotions. Sounds terrible? How many of you walk on eggs when given the cold shoulder?

  • Dismiss own needs. From me, he has learned to forego his own needs, tell himself he does not care for much (I took all his socks!!!). Sounds horrifying? How many of you have ever felt less than after you lost a privilege?

 
In light of what I have just shared with you, how can anyone take responsibility when they are tuning out, becoming invisible, and dismissing their own needs? 
Where is the integrity? 
The love of self? 
The self-worth? 
I believe the integrity, self-love, and self-worth are being stripped away with yelling, cold shoulder, and privileges removal.
 
I have personally found out that,
 

To take responsibility, one needs integrity.

 

To take responsibility, one needs self-love.

 

To take responsibility, one needs self-worth.

 
So, how do we take responsibility? 
 
We take responsibility by becoming self-aware of who we are and what we need while at the same time aligning our self to what we say, think and do. Only then can we develop the integrity to acknowledge and accept all the choices we have made.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients in taking full responsibility for the choices they have made in their life. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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acceptance Accountability Awareness Relationship Self-empowerment Self-Worth Silent Treatment

HOW TO ADDRESS THE COLD SHOULDER IN 4 EASY STEPS

ANYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN THE COLD SHOULDER knows darn well dealing with a cold shoulder IS LIKE TRYING TO EMBRACE AN ICEBERG WITHOUT GETTING FROST BITE. 
 
Depending on the amplitude of the problem (chill temperature), the star gazer might try to reach out on the left, speaking from their heart, but we all know that
 

if the iceberg decides to remain frozen,

there is very little we can say or do to change its coldness towards us.

 
For some campers who are used to roughing it in the wilderness, they might try to approach the iceberg on the right, wanting to reason, explain, or justify their position, but we all know that
 

if the iceberg decides to remain inapproachable,

there is very little we can say or do to change its hardness towards us.

 
What about the avid climbers? The avid climbers appear to be a common breed among us. I used to be part of this group and felt quite proud at trying to climb and conquer the summit of any iceberg in sight. In those moments, I used jabs as ice picks, biting ropes as guilt, even poured hot water on it to manipulate it in a position of shame or guilt, where
 

we all know conquering is easier,

especially when the iceberg feels overpowered and more rejected than ever. 

WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT US? 

Trying to overpower and conquer an emotional iceberg 

is like trying to nail jello to a tree. 

Our attempts at peace might stick for a little bit,

but sooner or later, the peace will dissolve rapidly 

since the emotional climate is yet unresolved.

 
Let’s have a closer look at the iceberg, shall we?
See, I have been in the position of the iceberg too. In the past, I have given the cold shoulder to my life partners, children, family members, friends, and many more.
 
Now why would I do such a thing?
 

The cold shoulder is most often given out of a burning hurt inside.

 
In those hurtful, biting, jabbing moments, more than ever, the cold shoulder is given because

  • we most likely want to be right.

  • we most likely want the ‘wronger’ to agree with us we are ‘right’.

  • we most likely want them to feel sorry, guilty, and ashamed for their ‘wrongs’.

  • we want to punish them for we deem their ‘wrongs’.

MAYBE YOU ARE LIKE ME? Maybe you have realized THE COLD SHOULDER IS NOT THE ANSWER.

Instead,
 

Let’s address the emotional climate!

 

The emotional climate in a relationship addresses the following needs:

 

The need to be seen for who we are, 

we all have the right to exist as who we are deep inside.

 

The need to be heard as we are, 

what we say matters deeply.

 

The need to feel wanted, 

we all want to belong and feel loved as is.

 

The need to feel safe in our relationship,

we can all do with more compassion and kindness.

 
What can we do to address the emotional needs of a perceived iceberg?
 

  • Give yourself the space you need to process what you need from your relationships. Perhaps being with an iceberg will become a deal breaker in your relationship.

  • Ensure you speak from an ‘I’ perspective. What you say matters, and nothing matters more than what follows the ‘I’. Make it count positively.

  • Do what makes you happy. Feel worthy of your own love and happiness. No one deserves your love more than your own self.

  • Have compassion for yourself. Compassion has a funny way of melting the seemingly coldest and hardest icebergs as they realize you make it safe to lower their guard and speak from their heart as well.

 
I trust you have found value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu. I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists my clients in addressing compassionately even the most reluctant iceberg in their vicinity. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
#emotionalintelligence #walkinginside #coldshoulder #awareness #compassion