Categories
Awareness Parenting Self Self-empowerment Self-Worth

MOTHERS, DO YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO HAVE GREATER SELF-WORTH? HERE'S HOW

IN A SOCIETY WHERE ACCEPTING COMPLIMENTS WITH EASE IS OFTEN PORTRAYED AS BEING SHALLOW, WHAT’S A WOMAN GOT TO DO?
Most of my life, I have been uncomfortable accepting compliments. I did not want to appear shallow or fishing for approval. Little did I know what a hypocrite I was! When someone told me I was pretty and what I was wearing was beautiful, I usually looked at the ground somewhere and said thank you politely. I did not take in what their words meant (that’s my shallow part), because I did not value me over them (that’s my fishing for approval part). However, when my daughters were paid a similar compliment, I made sure they looked the person in the eye while saying thank you. Based on your own life experience, what do you think my daughters have learned from me? You’re right, they have learned to mimic my behaviors, not my words. Consequently, to this day, they both have a hard time genuinely accepting compliments (they look at the ground), because they find it difficult to feel grateful for who they are (that’s the self-worth part).
 
Now, why on earth have I taught my daughters this kind of harmful self-image behavior? I taught them what I knew, what I had learned from my own mother, and everyone else in my environment.

  • I was taught ‘being a female is wrong’. I remember my grandmother telling me I should not attract the undue attention of men. Mind you, I was 7 at the time. What does ‘undue’ mean and why tell me this? Didn’t she trust the men she chose to be around her to behave properly?

  • I was taught ‘words are cheap’. I remember my mother telling me she loved me, yet her words most often did not match her actions. For example, my mother complimented on how smart I was, but then quickly turned around to say how much she actually hated my guts. How many of you believe compliments are given to throw your guard down so there’s an ‘in’ to hurt you later?

  • I was taught ‘tooting our own horn makes us a show-off’. Don’t know about you, but I grew up dirt poor. I put myself through university, paid my own way. So you bet when I got my first Assistant Vice-President job at the age of 26, I was damn proud! I loved my high heels and my tailored business suits. For someone who had grown up wearing second-hand clothes coming from a musty church basement, I loved my clothes and how they made me feel inside. Seemingly miffed at my success, my oldest brother coined me a massive ‘show-off’. Since when does success equal showing off?

 

When women are taught being female is wrong, words are cheap, and tooting our own horn makes us a show-off,

what’s a woman got to do when someone genuinely pays them a compliment?

If you are like the old me, you will lack discernment and will most likely look away in shame or guilt while saying thank you politely.

Now, what kind of positive role model is that for our daughters?

 
 

To model properly to my daughters how to accept compliments with ease, I am investing in me. I am changing my own conditioning, my own set of limited beliefs. Here is how:

  • I have hired a mentor / coach. A mentor/coach assists you in transcending some (or most) of the shit you have learned as a child. After three years of mentoring under Dov Baron, I can honestly say I do and feel pretty darn beautiful inside and out.

  • Before I have a knee jerk reaction (reject a compliment), I ask myself, ‘What is the intent here?’ This is a powerful question by which I live my own life. I have learned that intent is everything. Look into the compliment giver’s eyes and feel their intent. If their eyes are shining and their energy is soft, chances are they mean what they are saying: they truly believe you are amazing!  Therefore, acknowledge their beauty within: accept their compliment gracefully.

  • I am willing and open to receive. Like me, own your value! When someone is giving you a compliment, first stop whatever you are doing. Plant both feet firmly on the ground, take a breath in, feel their words, how they land inside of you, and respond appropriately. You will be surprised how much gratitude fills your heart when you realize how truly magnificent you are. Imagine how your daughter(s) will feel when she sees you deeply walk your talk… Pretty darn beautiful inside and out!

I trust you have found this article valuable. If you are committed to increase your daughters’ sense of self-worth, invest in your own personal development. I am an emotional intelligence coach and I am here to serve women who, like you, want to raise daughters believing their own value.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
#selfworth #selflove #selfrespect #emotional intelligence #walkinginside

Categories
Anger Anxiety Depression Joy Leadership Love Self-empowerment Self-Worth Stress

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING?

Am I the only one dealing with shit?
You get up at the crack of dawn and drink two cups of coffee before you can gather the strength to wake up the children to go to school. Your youngest cannot find her pink princess dress and nothing else will do this morning. Looking at the way she clenches her fists, you know she is about to have an epic meltdown. Your other child sheepishly uses this exact moment to let you know he/she has ‘forgotten’ an important piece of homework due today. Wanting to scream but holding it in, you juggle quickly in your head if you can zoom through the homework, find the pink dress, feed them breakfast, and get them in the car by 8:00 am. At work, you zone in and out. You feel sad. You wonder what you are doing there.  Is this what life is all about? Work, paying bills, and having ungrateful children? You start thinking about your significant other too. He/she seems distant lately. Why doesn’t he/she feel close to you? You wonder what is wrong with you. You start beating yourself up. ‘Why can’t I put my shit together like everyone else?’ Newsflash for you. We are all dealing with shit at one point or another. The difference is, are you reacting or responding to life? This is where emotional intelligence comes in play.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the type of intelligence (there are several types) responsible for our ability to be aware of our emotions and the emotions of others and then use that awareness to manage ourselves and our relationships with others.
Emotional intelligence determines whether we have warm, meaningful relationships with others or alternatively have distant, easily overwhelmed relationships with others.
Emotional intelligence addresses what is underneath the surface. In the example above, why is it so important for the youngest to have her pink dress that day? Is she feeling sad, angry, insecure? Getting angry at her for the way she feels instead of helping her get to the root of her feeling will only fuel a greater sense of loss within both parties.
Why do we need emotional intelligence?
Statistics speak volumes! Based on research, up to 80% of our success in work and in life is due to our emotional intelligence. If this number is not high enough to convince you, did you know that people with higher hostility scores (low EI scores) had almost 5x more heart disease and more than 5x the premature death rate than those with low to moderate scores? Still not convinced? The Annals of Behavioral Medicine summarized 10 studies on anxiety and heart disease involving 40,000 participants. They found the risk of heart disease is 2-7x higher in people with high levels of anxiety. High levels of anxiety are linked to a lower ability to deal with feelings and emotions in the moment (lower EI scores). What about depression? Stress? Worry? What role does each one play in your life and in the life of others around you?
How can emotional intelligence coaching help me?
Emotional intelligence coaching works on 4 quadrants:

  1. Self-awareness: I can recognize my feelings and emotions separate from other people’s feelings and emotions. I know what I am feeling and why. I realize the links between my feelings and what I think, do, or say. I recognize how my feelings affect my performance. I understand how my feelings guide my values and goals and interact with my emotions. How well are you able to do this for yourself?

 

  1. Awareness of others: When we become self-aware, we can develop empathy and compassion towards others. Instead of taking things personally (judging / blaming), we ask ourselves what happened to make the other person react this way. We then give them room (make it safe) for them to figure out their own behavior and what they wish to do differently in your relationship together. How fast are you quick to judge/blame others?

 

  1. Self-Management: The more we know who we are, what we need, and what we want in our life, the more emotional control we have onto our self. We are not triggered easily. We manage our stress/anxiety levels well because we know how to make room for ourselves in our own life. This is the place where we develop our integrity, intentionality, resilience, creativity, and optimism (to name a few). How much time do you make just for yourself?

 

  1. Relationship with others: People with low emotional intelligence can get irritated easily and their anger can make them treat others in an abusive manner. They may also feel imbalance in their work, their life, their health, and with family members. How much do your parents drive you up the wall?

 
When we are becoming self-aware and managing our self, we become grounded. From that peaceful place within, we develop deep, meaningful relationships. We exercise a positive influence onto others. We communicate effectively. We foster team work. We become trustworthy. Now, who does not want all this in their life? I know I do. What about you?
#emotionalintelligence #selfleadership #walkinginside #annebeaulieu #emotionalintelligencecoaching
www.walkinginside.com/blog
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
 
 
 

Categories
Compassion Depression Forgiveness Self-empowerment Self-Worth

HOW TO FREE THE NEGATIVE STORIES IN OUR HEAD

Have you ever thought of all the stories running loose inside your head? Based on the Laboratory of Neuro Imaging studies, the average brain weighs 3 lbs. This 3 lbs sensation delivers to the door of your heart 70,000 thoughts on average per day. 70,000! That’s a lot of crackers and cheese, if you ask me. No wonder so many people resort to wine to ‘flush’ them down.
That’s the thing. We think we flush them all. We think we moved on. Yet, many of our thoughts remain, no matter how much wine or denial we shoot ourselves with. When a negative thought is replayed over and over – think of a broken record – we start believing it. Emboldened by our ‘generosity of spirit’, this thought starts running around our brain like a lunatic with a shotgun. All it wants is to hold other like-minded thoughts hostage. When enough evidence is gathered, it’s a self-loathing party up there. Congratulations! We have now upgraded these similar thoughts-beliefs to ‘truth’. Now, here’s the kicker. This ‘truth’ travels all the way down and knocks unabashed at the door of our heart. Thinking we are absolutely right in this moment, we open the door and let that imposter shoot our heart point blank. Sounds brutal? It is. Think only other people do that? Think again.
Let’s take the ‘I’m not good enough’. In the past, I thought I was not good enough as a parent. I felt powerless seeing my son howling in pain from migraines so severe he saw colors until he blacked out. I thought I was not good enough as a wife. I felt inadequate at supporting my then-husband in his rising career. That thought – the ‘I’m not good enough’ – played like a broken record in my head over and over to the point I believed it through and through. It became my absolute truth, my crazy everything. It paralyzed me. It kept me small. It stabbed at my heart over and over like some crazy lunatic.
Guess what? I am now making friends with the ‘I’m not good enough’. I approach it this way:  ‘Hey, is it true you’re not good enough? Yahhh!!! Wow, fascinating. You’re pretty, by the way. Is it always true you are not good enough? Uhhh, noooo. You, you think I’m pretty? Of course you are. Now, always is a biiig word, don’t you think? Yahhh! Show me places where you are good enough in your life. Ohhhh, I can colour outside the lines without throwing a hissy fit. I can ask for help with my business without feeling guilty.’
Making friends with the negative stories inside our head is done with compassion and a sense of humour. If I hold a gun to my head thinking ‘I’m not good enough’ , then chances are I will not be because my ego wants to be right and will seek evidence of this ‘truth’ in my life. When I hold myself in compassion and say I am good enough, then I am; I see plenty of evidence where I am feeling loving, caring and downright funny (no need to agree, I am good enough 🙂
Our brain delivers on average 70,000 thought a day. Clusters of negative thoughts form gangs and become ‘truths’ holding our heart hostage. These ‘truths’ need to be embraced with compassion and a sense of humour in order to let them go so our heart feels free
#emotionalintelligence #walkinginside #annebeaulieu #selflove #selfleadership #compassion #negativeselftalk
www.walkinginside.com/blog
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Categories
Authenticity Compassion Self-empowerment Self-Worth

A Brother's Path to Self-Love

My brother was fourteen when I went to university. It was hard for him to see me go. I was sad to leave him too. We were close, he and I. When he was around, making me laugh, I felt less lonely, less alone.
By the time he was in his mid-20s, stories abounded. He was a hard core womanizer. He had ‘banged’ hundreds of women. Young, old, prostitutes, rich or destitute, it did not matter to him. As long as they were willing to open their legs for him, he did them all. So I heard. He and I barely talked about it. We both looked the other way.
When he turned 30, he called me. Something was deeply wrong. I did not like the way he was talking. He was tired. He was fed up. My heart was sinking fast. I knew that feeling. It’s the feeling when someone wants to exit their own life permanently. That day, I have never thought so fast for reasons to keep him alive. When he hung up, I watched the clock. I looked at the phone. I worried sick to find out he was gone.
Years go by. He is unhappy. So am I. He is still ‘doing’ women, but they trickle more slowly in his life now. He wants a relationship, but they seem like trouble. By that, he means his women are looking for someone to save them and he has a hard time saving himself. He buys trucks, cars, motorcycles. He says these things please him for a while, but then the pleasure is gone and he feels empty again. He is tired. He starts seeing the emotional hole inside of himself. He wants to fill it. Does not know how. He is asking me for help.
I am way over my head. I am seeing my own emotional hole inside too and I am also going at the world full rage on. My brother disagrees with what I am doing to heal myself and we stop communicating. More than one year goes by. Early spring last year, he gets a heart attack. He is 46 years old. He is dying. The doctors tell him they have to put him into a coma and burn part of his heart so he can breathe again. I feel his pain. Who burns their heart unless they have had enough of life? When he awoke, he is temporarily paralyzed. The doctors’ way of giving him a chance to stop moving and heal his heart. Immobile, he spends a lot of time thinking about life. He gives permission for me to call him. When I hear his voice, I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me too. He asks me to call again.
It’s been one year since he awoke. The change in him is phenomenal. Yesterday, he talked to me about love. ‘Anne, we all are mechanics when it comes to love. Now, when a woman comes to me looking for love, it’s my job to run thorough diagnostics first. I look for possible troubles, things that do not align with me, like this woman who is texting me good morning with kisses, yet I found out is involved with someone else. She tells me it’s temporary and she’ll take care of it. I don’t want that. I don’t want someone who will do that to me. This woman, she has crawlies in the flea box (what he calls conditioning). It’s not my job to remove her crawlies. My job is to remove my own crawlies and know what I want. I want a woman who is independent and earns her own money. I want a woman who wants to build with me, not one I build for her, not one who builds for me. No. I want one who builds together.’ He laughs, asking me what is happening to him. ‘Before, I emptied my gonads and moved on to the next pair of legs.’ I can tell he is becoming happy and content with and by himself.
I feel close to my brother. I ask him if it is okay for me to share this aspect of his journey. He says, ‘If it can help someone else. I don’t think I have a great story, but there are people in a worse situation than me, so it’s for them.’ I smile seeing this 6’6” man built like a football player becoming gentle. He does have one woman on his radar. I tease him about her. ‘I’ll keep running my diagnostics and if it works for me and her, then I’ll take her for a long car ride and check what’s under the hood. I’m still a man.’ I burst out laughing.
Take the time to a diagnostics in your life today. Do you have healthy relationship?
#emotionalintelligence #walkinginside #annebeaulieu #compassion #leadership
www.walkinginside.com/blog
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
 
 

Categories
Self-Worth

Would You Like a Ferrari?

WOULD YOU LIKE A FERRARI?
Imagine you are given the keys to a Ferrari. Today. Right now. On the license plate, it reads ‘BORN TO BE FREE’. On the registration papers, it reads your name. This car is tanked full, paid in full, and ready to go. You owe no one anything. This car is for you, only you. You get to do whatever you want with it. You can look at it in fear, afraid of what’s under the hood. Or you can look at it with reverence, honoured to receive this experience.
Many people want a Ferrari. They dream of it. They excitedly tell me, ‘If I had a Ferrari, watch me. Watch what I will do with it.’ Many others do not want a Ferrari.  They dread it. They shyly tell me, ‘What would I do with something like that in my life?’
I used to be like the people who felt uneasy in front of an expensive car. I looked at the ground. I moved on one foot, then the other. I wondered if others could tell I was uneasy being there. I wondered what excuse I could find to leave that place. I did not ask myself if I deserved an expensive car. That would have been pretentious in my book. No. I played small. Back then, I would rather be anywhere than trying to figure out the beauty inside the car. Sounds familiar?
Well, that expensive car, this is me. In the past, I felt uneasy in front of me. I looked at the ground. I moved on one foot, then the other. I did not make eye contact with me in the mirror. I wondered if people could tell I was uneasy being with me. I was insecure. I wondered what excuse I could find to ignore me. I did not ask myself if I deserved this Ferrari, this powerful version of me. That would have been pretentious in my book. No. I played small. Back then, it was easier to think I was not good enough than trying to figure out the beauty inside of me.
What if, just for today, you thought of yourself as a Ferrari? Would you stand straighter? Would you smile more? Would you approach the people who can help you realize your dreams? You know, these people with the instructions on how to drive Ferraris. These people have been there. They know how hard it is to think of ourselves as someone worthy, someone rich with heart and passion, someone born to be free. These people, they are here for you.
The more I think of myself as a Ferrari, the more discernment I have in my own life. Would you hand over the keys to your expensive car to an unconscious person who grins falsely while saying ‘I just want to take her quickly for a spin’? Would you hand over the keys to a drunk? An addict? An abuser? Would you sit meekly in the passenger seat while they are driving over the line? The answer for me is no.  To all these questions, the answer is no. Because I have let others drive me in the past with catastrophic results. I have crashed more times than I have remembered. I have been on life support with a broken heart more times than I can count. Enough is enough.
Now, damn right, this Ferrari is mine. I have the keys. I am the one driving me. Do I need instructions at times? Yes. This is why I have people in my life who help me understand the beauty inside of me.  You know the funny thing in all this? The more I drive me, the more I am enjoying the ride.
Your Ferrari is here. Inside of you. What are you waiting for to unleash your self-worth into the world?
#emotionalintelligence #walkinginside #annebeaulieu
www.walkinginside.com/blog
www.fullmontyleadership.com