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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

Categories
Accountability Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Conscience Courage Curiosity Decency Depression Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Frustration Gratefulness Guilt Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Social Awareness Space Speaking Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

AWAKENING

AWAKENING
 
I awoke in the middle of the night,
Frightened and scared,
Thinking I was alone.
I looked around the bedroom,
Stillness and shadows greeting me.
What an unfamiliar sight, I thought to myself,
To be alone with one’s thoughts,
To be shyly greeting one’s feelings.
 
Out of habit,
I called out a name,
Thinking you would come,
But the echo came back empty.
I did not yet understand,
Love is neither a name or a game,
It is a flowing feeling,
Like waves, rising and falling,
Amidst our own waters.
 
Thinking I knew better,
I turned my bed into a raft,
I paddled day and night,
Still hoping to find you,
Afloat on another raft nearby.
 
Feeling more lost than ever,
I finally stopped doing this crazy thing,
And started instead to
Listen to the wind
Who has always known my name.
 
It said,
“Dive,
Dive deep within,
For the one you are looking for,
The Beloved,
Is awaiting.”
 
I told the Wind,
“I am no Mermaid,
To flag my tale under water.”
And the Wind softly replied,
“Trust and Have Faith,
Within you is always the Way.”
 
So I took a majestic dive
Perhaps the way Dolphins do?
Feeling my own breathing
Echoing back to me
The beauty of universes within.
 
I now use my raft as a diving board,
In whatever room I find myself in,
I remember Ocean Waves belong
To the One
Awakened in the middle of the night.
 
With Deep Gratitude,
Anne
 
Dov Baron, thank you for being the Wind speaking softly to me, I am grateful
 
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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acceptance Accountability Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Conscience Courage Curiosity Depression Emotional Boundaries Emotional Intelligence Empathy Equality Frustration Happiness Inner Peace Intent Intentions Intuition Leadership Love Mindfullness Parenting Self procrastination Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Silent Treatment Social Awareness Stress Tolerance WalkingInside

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

What if I were to tell you that taking responsibility has nothing to do with shaming or guilt tripping, what would you answer to that?
If you are like the old me, you might answer something like:
“That’s horse shit!”
“Of course taking responsibility comes with shame and guilt! How else do you expect anyone to become responsible if they do not feel wrath?”
 
But is it true? 
 
 
Just so we are on the same page here, I believe
 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

means to

ACKNOWLEDGE the CHOICES we have MADE

and

ACCEPTING THE RESULTS we currently have.

 
 

The CHOICES we have made, being:

-> The words we spoke

-> The actions we took

-> The words we refused to speak

-> The actions we refused to take

 
 

The RESULTS we currently have, being:

-> what we currently perceive as good, bad, or ugly in our life

 
 
When my children were little, like any good parent I guess, I wanted to teach them about taking responsibility.
Case at point…
As my young son kept leaving his socks scattered all over the house, I yelled at him and gave him the cold shoulder. One day, I lost my shit and put all his clean and dirty socks into one big bag that I hid inside my bedroom closet. With zero socks to wear the next day, that ought to teach him, right?
 
 

How many of you have ever used yelling, 

given the cold shoulder, or

taken away a privilege 

as a way to teach someone how to take responsibility?

 
 
Now let’s assume for a moment
we all agree on the definition of taking responsibility:
 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY 

means to

ACKNOWLEDGE the CHOICES we have MADE

and

ACCEPTING THE RESULTS we currently have.

 
 
Let’s look at the sock tragedy.
 

  • Did my son acknowledge the ‘bad’ choice he had made, aka leave his socks scattered all over? No, he did not. Why not?

 
 

To ACKNOWLEDGE a perceived ‘bad’ behaviour, 

one has first to be aware INSIDE THEMSELVES 

that something might need to change. 

 
If this is true, then either my son was unaware of his sock behaviour (clearly not the case based on my yelling alone) or his sock behaviour suited him just fine. Therefore, in his view, there might have been nothing needing change inside of him, hence the lack of acknowledgement?…
 
 
 

  • Did my son accept the results he currently had, aka, have all his socks hidden in my closet? No, he did not have to. Why not?

 
 

To ACCEPT a RESULT, 

one has to first acknowledge

they have played a role in said result.

 
 
Let me remind you here…
Who yelled? Me.
Who gave the cold shoulder? Me.
Who hid the socks? Me. 
Soooo, if I did not teach my son how to take responsibility, what is it exactly I have taught him?
 

  • Tuning out. From me, he has learned how to disconnect, ignore, dismiss. Sounds harsh? How many of you tune out when someone is yelling at you?

  • Becoming invisible. From me, he has learned to soothe and please in order to appease irregardless of his feelings and emotions. Sounds terrible? How many of you walk on eggs when given the cold shoulder?

  • Dismiss own needs. From me, he has learned to forego his own needs, tell himself he does not care for much (I took all his socks!!!). Sounds horrifying? How many of you have ever felt less than after you lost a privilege?

 
In light of what I have just shared with you, how can anyone take responsibility when they are tuning out, becoming invisible, and dismissing their own needs? 
Where is the integrity? 
The love of self? 
The self-worth? 
I believe the integrity, self-love, and self-worth are being stripped away with yelling, cold shoulder, and privileges removal.
 
I have personally found out that,
 

To take responsibility, one needs integrity.

 

To take responsibility, one needs self-love.

 

To take responsibility, one needs self-worth.

 
So, how do we take responsibility? 
 
We take responsibility by becoming self-aware of who we are and what we need while at the same time aligning our self to what we say, think and do. Only then can we develop the integrity to acknowledge and accept all the choices we have made.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients in taking full responsibility for the choices they have made in their life. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Confidence Dreams Emotional Intelligence freedom Happiness Intent Intentions Leadership Mindfullness procrastination Self-empowerment WalkingInside

WHAT MAKES US PROCRASTINATE?

“What if Procrastination is the “rogue” child born from a wild night between Perfection and Fear of Rejection? What happened to Burning Desire?”  I posed this question one week ago.
 
Some of you might have read it and think,
“WTF! I don’t get it… This is a waste of my time!” 
 
Others might have been happier, like, 
“LOL, these three things are linked together? Fascinating!”
 
And then… there might have been some of you who go digging deeper for the truth within themselves.  It is these people, like you and me, I am addressing right now.
 
So, pull up a chair, grab a slice of pi, and take a moment to ponder the following,
 

What is Procrastination?

 
To me, Procrastination is Ongoing Avoidance. 
We procrastinate when we keep avoiding doing something that has or needs to be done in this moment.
 
 

What is Perfection?

 
To me, Perfection is Death.
We all know perfection is not of this physical world simply because of our human nature. If this is true, logically, then Perfection can only be linked to Death. I know… I know… this piece of truth might be hard to swallow right now… 
But think about it for a moment… the only perfect thing we all can do is death. Why? Because everything else we do in between is subject to perception. A perception is an image, a mind representation, an illusion. Since when is there lived perfection in fleeting illusion, I ask you?
 

What is Fear of Rejection?

 
To me, Fear of Rejection equals Not Fully Living.
When we are afraid to be rejected because of the way we think, act, or are, I believe we are not fully living, we get massively stuck, somehow frozen in the loopholed mindset, “What will they think of me?” 
 
Now, I am going to put these three slices of pie on a plate:

“What if Procrastination is the “rogue” child

born from a wild night between Perfection and Fear of Rejection?

What happened to Burning Desire?” 

 
to me is equivalent to saying,
 

“What if Ongoing Avoidance is the result of Death by Not Fully Living? 

 
 
Digest this bit for a moment…
 

“Procrastination is death by not fully living.”

 
Do you see now why Burning Desire disappeared? 
Death has zero Burning Desire in it. Burning Desire is passion, this fuel that makes us get up in the morning and do everything we need to do in order to get a desired result. So unless you want to tell me you are passionate about dying?….
Also,
Not Fully Living has zero Burning Desire in it. Burning Desire is passion, and as we all know, passion is usually associated with a fully lived life, not merely a ‘getting by’, soooo….
 
What do think? 
 

Is it possible we humans procrastinate 

because we are afraid of fully living?

 
I do. I believe this is why my mentor Dov Baron has been teaching me for three years now, 
 

“If I am not actively growing, I am passively dying.”

 
Thank goodness he is patient with me… I believe I am now gradually getting what he has been saying all along…
 
With gratitude,
Anne
 
“It’s all about pie, honey!” is a specific blog series provided by Walking Inside Resources Inc. My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Author, and Authentic Speaker. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
Awareness Leadership procrastination

How to Make Peace With the Procrastinator in You

 
‘Are you a procrastinator?’ When asked this question, I used to flatly answer no while looking at my interlocutor with the strong desire to smack their head. I found the question insulting. For me, a procrastinator was pretty much a lazy bum, someone who sat on the couch eating potato chips while watching reruns of a long ago past. This kind of procrastinator, they munched of others while waiting to be rescued/saved. Know anyone like that? When this type of person showed up in my life, I resented them. My back went up. They were an energy drain, a headache, an insomnia, a heart squeezer. I had little respect for them. Around them, I felt angry, stuck, and confused. I switched to high gear and performed like a monkey on crack as if to compensate for their lack of clear direction in their life.
Let’s stop for a moment. Is this definition of a procrastinator true? Is it always true? I have found out the anatomy of the procrastinator to be somewhat more complicated. Why? Because I have been a procrastinator most of my life and I have rarely been called a lazy bum. On the contrary, I was what we call a workaholic. Know anyone like that? I worked hard while still secretly hoping to be rescued. I kept hoping someone would see my value and make me feel better about myself. To those around me, my high level of doing was an energy drain, a headache, an insomnia, a heart squeezer. Ask my kids, my former life partners, my friends even. I had little respect for myself. I believed I was not good enough. I often felt stuck and confused. I switched to high gear and performed like a monkey on crack as if to compensate for the lack of clear direction in my life.
Here’s my truth. The procrastinator does not make enough room for themselves in their own life. What does that mean? They are afraid of success. They are afraid of failure. They do not have clear goals. They do not know how to prioritize. They do not know how to switch off TV and get to work and how to switch off work and turn on TV. The procrastinator lives at the pole, at times a lazy bum, at times a workaholic. When I realized that truth about myself, I started embracing the procrastinator in me (unless we embrace, hard to transcend, isn’t it?). Here are some of the questions I now ask myself,

  1. What are my goals this year?
  2. What specific actions am I taking every week to reach my goals?
  3. Who is holding me accountable for reaching these weekly goals?
  4. What can I do to delegate tasks to others  so I can concentrate more mindfully on my goals?
  5. What tool do I have in place to switch off and breathe deeply?

Now, questions alone are not enough if we cannot tell the difference between a) what is important and urgent, b) important but not urgent, c) urgent but not important, d) busy work, e) wasted time. This is why I have a mentor and coaches in my life. These people are clearer than me. They help me remain focused and accountable. In return, I am stepping more into my potential and am able to serve my clients more effectively in the process.
If you believe inside of you lives a procrastinator, do yourself a huge favour. Hire a coach right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Right now.
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