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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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Accountability Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Conscience Courage Curiosity Decency Depression Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Frustration Gratefulness Guilt Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Emotional Intelligence Empathy Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Imagination Inner Child Inner Peace Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Peace Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Space Tolerance WalkingInside

HOW FAR AM I WILLING TO GO?

HOW FAR AM I WILLING TO GO?
 
Am I willing to go beyond the stars
Where you and I were born
Where the sun befriends the moon
Where rainbows bridge us all?
 
Am I willing to go further than the eye can see
Where trees plant their roots
Where flowers drop their seeds
Where leaves take in the colours of seasons?
 
Am I willing to go deeper than the ocean floor
Where all the river beds make one
Where the illusion of division is triumphed over
Where we all feel as one?
 
How far am I willing to go?
 
I am willing to go
At the centre of myself
Where I hear it all begins
The point of origin
That unites us all.
 
I am willing to go
Where ‘broken’ lines disappear
Where there is no you or me
Where there is only a we.
 
I am willing to go
Where love is no more a concept
Where love becomes fully being
Where love is visible in all.
 
If ever I think I have reached this place
Where I hear it all begins
Ask me again
‘How far am I willing to go?’
And I will come back to
Being in the here and now
Until we all feel that we belong.
 
With Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
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acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Ignorance Imagination Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Shame Social Awareness Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

I — USED TO THINK

I — USED TO THINK
 
I used to think
A tree was just a tree
I saw it with my own mind
Roots, trunk, branches, leaves.
 
I used to think
You were different than me
I saw it with my own mind
Bodies, fences, judgement, fear.
 
Thanks to my mentor, I met me
For a moment, I stopped thinking,
In stillness, my mind cracked open
Discovering sunshine cooling breeze within.
 
How refreshing
To hear inside the giggles of a small child
Who never thought we were separate
Who’s always known we all belong.
 
Because of my love for this child and me
The lines in my mind are becoming blurry
If there is nothing separating you from me
Then, who am I? What are we?
 
Willing to know, I ask her to show me the way
How I may serve her from a place of integrity
Laughing, she is showing a world full of wonders
Where roots and bodies, you and me,
Are merging into, this or something greater,
Then… I used to think.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
 
To know more about Soul Leadership: www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
P.S. With this post, I am including more forms and patterns I have seen when opening up pictures. This time, I am not showing the pictures they may have originated from because I want you to imagine what can possibly give rise to …
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AWAKENING

AWAKENING
 
I awoke in the middle of the night,
Frightened and scared,
Thinking I was alone.
I looked around the bedroom,
Stillness and shadows greeting me.
What an unfamiliar sight, I thought to myself,
To be alone with one’s thoughts,
To be shyly greeting one’s feelings.
 
Out of habit,
I called out a name,
Thinking you would come,
But the echo came back empty.
I did not yet understand,
Love is neither a name or a game,
It is a flowing feeling,
Like waves, rising and falling,
Amidst our own waters.
 
Thinking I knew better,
I turned my bed into a raft,
I paddled day and night,
Still hoping to find you,
Afloat on another raft nearby.
 
Feeling more lost than ever,
I finally stopped doing this crazy thing,
And started instead to
Listen to the wind
Who has always known my name.
 
It said,
“Dive,
Dive deep within,
For the one you are looking for,
The Beloved,
Is awaiting.”
 
I told the Wind,
“I am no Mermaid,
To flag my tale under water.”
And the Wind softly replied,
“Trust and Have Faith,
Within you is always the Way.”
 
So I took a majestic dive
Perhaps the way Dolphins do?
Feeling my own breathing
Echoing back to me
The beauty of universes within.
 
I now use my raft as a diving board,
In whatever room I find myself in,
I remember Ocean Waves belong
To the One
Awakened in the middle of the night.
 
With Deep Gratitude,
Anne
 
Dov Baron, thank you for being the Wind speaking softly to me, I am grateful
 
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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GOING TO THE ROOTS OF HAPPINESS

Happiness is such a big word, don’t you think? I mean, what does happiness truly mean anyway? 
 
Searching for the roots of happiness, I asked myself,
 

“Where does happiness come from?”

 
 
According to the French Dictionary of Etymology (history of words),
 

Bonheur comes from the latin word augurium 

which means

divination, enchantment, foreboding, forecast, interpretation, omen.

 
 
WOW!
 

Who knew happiness might be perceived as intuitive projections 

cast onto people, situations, or things?

 
 
HOLY BURNING SHIT!
 
Maybe this is why some relationships call themselves happy’ while being massively co-dependent? As one person enchants the other to make them happy, to fill a cup they might refuse to fill by their own?
 
MMMMM….
 
I know, I know… it may sound harsh what I am saying right now, but…
 

Isn’t it what projections do? 

Cast a judgment spell onto another 

about what is lacking within one’s own self? 

 
DAMN!
 
Let me share something with you.
 
In the past, when I said, “You are my everything, you make me so happy!”  I did not know I had an emotional hole within that no person, money or thing could ever fill. As a result, I have kept others deeply prisoners in my life, casting them to play small, all in the name of ‘happiness’.
 
Maybe this is why, for the old me, happiness never seemed to last long, for I was constantly looking for the next happiness ‘fix’. Maybe you can relate?
 
Think about it….
 
If someone is to say, “I predict/want you to be happy.”, how reliable would you believe their omen to be, coming from someone with an emotional hole within to start with?
 
HOLY CRAP!
 
Maybe the French got it wrong?
 
So I turned to the English…
 
I guess there is nothing like an old Oxford English to determine the roots of happiness…
 
Can you imagine my surprise and laughter when I found out that,
 

The English stole the happiness word from the Vikings! 

 
BLOODY HELL!
 

Hap is a Norwegian word meaning luck, 

which means

happiness is luck or being lucky.

 
Now, what kind of luck were the Norwegian referring to? Lucky in bed? Lucky in finances? Lucky in war? Lucky in love?…
 
I don’t know about you, but for me,
 

To leave happiness to chance, 

specifically to the randomness of others, 

is not called happiness; it is hell!!!

 
Because, like you, I care deeply about my own happiness, I went digging with the Chinese.
 
Maybe Confucius can shed some light as to what happiness might actually truly be about?
 
In Chinese Mandarin, the word happiness translates into 开心 (kaixin)
 
开(kai) means to open widely. 开 indicates the beginning AND continuation of something. 开 also indicates the capacity of something.
心 (xin) means heart, feeling, intention, centre, core.
 
Based on an ancient Chinese secret maybe,
 

Happiness is 开心, the act of opening our heart widely, 

so we can feel and continue feeling our heart 

deeper and deeper 

at the core of our being. 

 
HOLY MAGIC BEANS!
 
I love this explanation, because this means
 

I AM 100% responsible for my OWN happiness.

 
This means,
 

  • Happiness is never about other people, situations, or things.

  • Happiness is never about luck or feeling lucky.

Happiness is solely about feeling our own open heart 

at the core of our being.

 
Therefore,
 

I AM happy because I AM

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who loves languages for the insights and wisdom they provide beyond the words. I am also an expert on happiness who can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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WHAT MAKES INTUITION, CURB AWAY PAIN

On the ladder of consciousness, it is said intuition ranks the highest, followed by intellect, then instinct. My question to you is, is it true? Is it always true?
 
When I was a small child, I was full of impulses. At 4 years old, I wanted to know if the wood stove was hot on its side, so I touched it without truly thinking about it. As a result, I burned my fingers badly and cried many tears over my action.
 
My mother who happened to be in the kitchen at the time said, “What were you thinking? Don’t you know hot stoves burn?”
 
Apparently I did not. Where was the intellect in this?
 
Fast forward years later… I am near the same stove again and I see the fire burning inside the stove and I hear the wood crackling as flames lick it alive. I can even smell a pine fragrance aroma spreading throughout the house.
 
Do I need to touch the stove again to know it is hot?
 
No, I have a feeling it is hot,  rather than merely using intellect and/or instinct to prove it.
 
What has happened?
 
To answer this question, we need to look at a few things…
 

What is instinct? 

 
Many agree,
 
 

Instinct is an impulse, 

something we do automatically without consciously thinking about it. 

 
 
Maybe this is why small children are full of instinct? Because their intellect and intuition may not be developed enough yet to get deeply how things work?
 
I guess, in some ways, my mother was right in asking me, “What were you thinking?”  for self-questioning pushes us to go deeper, grasp where impulses come from, what motivates us to do what we do.
 
The main problem is, perhaps like you at that age, I answered,
 

“I don’t know, I just want to know.”

 
Now, what exactly do we want to know when we operate from a place of impulses, instincts?
 

In my case and maybe yours, I want to build data. I want to figure out

  • what it feels like under my physical touch (touch)

  • what it looks like (see)

  • what it tastes like having/knowing it (taste)

  • what it sounds like (sound)

  • what it smells like (smell)

 
 
Based on personal experienced, I can now tell you that a fire in a wood stove is something magical to me.
 
Do I now need to touch the stove to deeply know this? No,
 

I feel my truth in every fibre of my body. 

 
 
In light of this,
 

What is intuition?

 
It is agreed,
 

Intuition is a deep truth feeling that flows 

when we are fully present through our senses 

in any given situation 

and 

we are open to receive this feeling information.

 
 
As such,

Intuition builds on what we already know 

instinctively and intellectually.

 
Simply put, Intuition uses the knowledge we already have, knowledge that is communicated to us via our impulses, thoughts, images, sounds, tastes, smells, textures, representations, concepts, perceptions,….
 
 
This is why

Intuition is the highest form of consciousness.

 

To be intuitive is

to swipe the aggregate card of our collected  experiences

and read it

without the use of our intellect or instinct exclusively.

 
 
Just imagine… living a life from a place of deep intuition…
You wake up in the morning feeling the sweetness of the coffee percolating in the coffee machine….
You trust the coffee beans are mixing with the perfect amount of hot water….
You have faith the coffee in your cup tastes warm and welcoming in your mouth….
As you go about your day, you have a spring in your step…
You deeply get your life is magical for you are fully present it.
 
 
How magnificent is a life…
a life where you feel its sweetness…
where you trust…
where you have faith…
where you have a spring in your step…
where you get your life is magical because you are fully present in it.
 
 
Me, I do not have to imagine anymore, this is the life I am living deeper and deeper and am now coaching my clients to live.
 
 
I have learned the hard way how badly I get burned where I only rely on my impulses or my intellect to live my life.
 
I now deeply get there is something greater, something deeper, that encompasses and guides all that I am.
 
It is my belief that, what any of us can do to eliminate pain from our life is to
 

Be willing to receive feeling information 

and 

take rightful actions upon it.

 
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who coaches her clients how to listen deeply to their intuition so they lead the life they truly want away from pain. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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EMPATHY OR ENABLING?

“Put yourself in my shoes!” yelled my 14 year old daughter to me before storming out of the kitchen crying. As I heard her bedroom door slam, I whispered softly, “I am trying, sweetie, more than you might possibly know.”
 
The sale offer for the house had been finalized and I had just announced to my daughter that we were moving downtown, be about one hour away from her school and friends.
 
She was adamant she was not moving. She was determined to finish high school where her two elder siblings had graduated from before her.
 
In the past, when I talked about the house being for sale, she usually became quiet, silent, withdrawn, as if the landscape outside the kitchen window was far more interesting than what I had to say.
 
If I asked her if she was listening to any I was sharing about the house, she often turned her head sharply to me, two “daggers” suddenly “piercing”, and with her lips pinched tightly together, continued being ‘silent’….
….
 
I gather many of us, parents, have had to make life decisions that may have been disliked by our children.
 
So, when a child or an adult says, “Put yourself in my shoes!”, what exactly are they asking us to do?
 
I believe
 

EMPATHY is primarily seeing another person’s 

feelings and perspectives

THROUGH THEIR LIFE FILTERS.

 
 
Therefore, when we are asked to show empathy, we might want to remember to:
 

  • Hold our self in check. If we cannot hold our self in check, if we let our emotions run high, how can we ever be able to tune in without distortion to someone else’s feelings and emotions?

  • Become attentive to what is verbally spoken. Take an active interest in the other person’s concerns. Ask, “What exactly is troubling you right now?” If we are unable to zero in on exact concerns, how is it possible to ever put our self in someone else’s shoes?

  • Listen actively for unspoken emotions. We all know underneath the blanket of anger is a hurt/wounded person. Focus on understanding where the other person’s potential hurt comes from.

  • Visualize and show sensitivity to another’s perspective. Empathy is felt by using someone else’s life filters to relate to their feelings and emotions. In this light, empathy is also known as the gateway to compassion.

 
 
In a situation requiring empathy:
 
⇒What happens if we cannot hold our self in check? We might most likely take on the other person’s feelings and emotions as our own, meaning: their drama becomes our drama.
 
⇒What happens if we are inattentive to what is verbally spoken? We might most likely make up shit about them, meaning: telling the other person what they are supposed to or should be feeling right now.  
 
⇒What happens if we address the anger instead of the underneath hurt? It is my belief we then waste precious time arguing for the shit one party or both people want(s) to be right about.
 
⇒What happens if we use our own filters to show empathy? Then it is not called empathy, my friend.
 
 

At what point does empathy become enabling?

 
It is my belief
 

Empathy becomes enabling when we consistently lack discernment.

 
Since judgment is always about others and discernment is always about the self (what works for us or not),
 
♠When we lack discernment, we are unable to hold our self in check. 
Think about it for a moment….
How can anyone possibly sort out what is ‘mine’ and ‘theirs’ when they are unclear about their own self, what they want, what they need, and/or how to uphold their own emotional boundaries? 
 
♠When we lack discernment, we are unable to pay close attention to what is being spoken.
The proof? How much healthy attention can we give another human being if our head is stuck into our own problems? In my case, very little if any at all.
 
 
♠When we lack discernment, we talk to the blanket of anger and ignore the real person underneath it….
Let me ask you, 
Where is the empathy in doing that?
 
 
♠When we lack discernment, we believe everyone sees our world through our own filters. 
I don’t know about you, but I can call this a whole bunch of names, except ‘empathy’.
 
 
Knowing that 

Enabling is allowing a self-destructive behaviour 

to passively continue taking place,

 
Do you now see now how
 
 

Empathy necessitates a high level of discernment, 

State clearly what works for the self,

 or watch empathy gradually disintegrate into enabling over time.

 
 
I trust you are finding value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients in living their life from a place of true empathy. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Love & Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

What if I were to tell you that taking responsibility has nothing to do with shaming or guilt tripping, what would you answer to that?
If you are like the old me, you might answer something like:
“That’s horse shit!”
“Of course taking responsibility comes with shame and guilt! How else do you expect anyone to become responsible if they do not feel wrath?”
 
But is it true? 
 
 
Just so we are on the same page here, I believe
 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

means to

ACKNOWLEDGE the CHOICES we have MADE

and

ACCEPTING THE RESULTS we currently have.

 
 

The CHOICES we have made, being:

-> The words we spoke

-> The actions we took

-> The words we refused to speak

-> The actions we refused to take

 
 

The RESULTS we currently have, being:

-> what we currently perceive as good, bad, or ugly in our life

 
 
When my children were little, like any good parent I guess, I wanted to teach them about taking responsibility.
Case at point…
As my young son kept leaving his socks scattered all over the house, I yelled at him and gave him the cold shoulder. One day, I lost my shit and put all his clean and dirty socks into one big bag that I hid inside my bedroom closet. With zero socks to wear the next day, that ought to teach him, right?
 
 

How many of you have ever used yelling, 

given the cold shoulder, or

taken away a privilege 

as a way to teach someone how to take responsibility?

 
 
Now let’s assume for a moment
we all agree on the definition of taking responsibility:
 

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY 

means to

ACKNOWLEDGE the CHOICES we have MADE

and

ACCEPTING THE RESULTS we currently have.

 
 
Let’s look at the sock tragedy.
 

  • Did my son acknowledge the ‘bad’ choice he had made, aka leave his socks scattered all over? No, he did not. Why not?

 
 

To ACKNOWLEDGE a perceived ‘bad’ behaviour, 

one has first to be aware INSIDE THEMSELVES 

that something might need to change. 

 
If this is true, then either my son was unaware of his sock behaviour (clearly not the case based on my yelling alone) or his sock behaviour suited him just fine. Therefore, in his view, there might have been nothing needing change inside of him, hence the lack of acknowledgement?…
 
 
 

  • Did my son accept the results he currently had, aka, have all his socks hidden in my closet? No, he did not have to. Why not?

 
 

To ACCEPT a RESULT, 

one has to first acknowledge

they have played a role in said result.

 
 
Let me remind you here…
Who yelled? Me.
Who gave the cold shoulder? Me.
Who hid the socks? Me. 
Soooo, if I did not teach my son how to take responsibility, what is it exactly I have taught him?
 

  • Tuning out. From me, he has learned how to disconnect, ignore, dismiss. Sounds harsh? How many of you tune out when someone is yelling at you?

  • Becoming invisible. From me, he has learned to soothe and please in order to appease irregardless of his feelings and emotions. Sounds terrible? How many of you walk on eggs when given the cold shoulder?

  • Dismiss own needs. From me, he has learned to forego his own needs, tell himself he does not care for much (I took all his socks!!!). Sounds horrifying? How many of you have ever felt less than after you lost a privilege?

 
In light of what I have just shared with you, how can anyone take responsibility when they are tuning out, becoming invisible, and dismissing their own needs? 
Where is the integrity? 
The love of self? 
The self-worth? 
I believe the integrity, self-love, and self-worth are being stripped away with yelling, cold shoulder, and privileges removal.
 
I have personally found out that,
 

To take responsibility, one needs integrity.

 

To take responsibility, one needs self-love.

 

To take responsibility, one needs self-worth.

 
So, how do we take responsibility? 
 
We take responsibility by becoming self-aware of who we are and what we need while at the same time aligning our self to what we say, think and do. Only then can we develop the integrity to acknowledge and accept all the choices we have made.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients in taking full responsibility for the choices they have made in their life. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
Awareness Blind Spots Compassion Courage Curiosity Emotional Boundaries Emotional Intelligence Empathy Forgiveness Inner Peace Intent Intentions Intuition Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Relationship Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Social Awareness WalkingInside

“LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT AND WITH DISCERNMENT”

⇒These are the words my mentor Dov Baron said to me this Tuesday. I was having trouble with four (4!) similar situations that had ‘magically’ popped up in my life at the same time. Through them all, I kept wondering,
 

“What is the lesson I am needing to learn here?”

 
+++
When my younger brother passed away two weeks ago, I was shocked by the amount of people who took it as ‘their’ duty to tell me how to grieve.
By these people…
I was not asked, “How are you feeling?”, I was told “You must be so sad.”
I was not asked, “How may I assist you?”, I was told “I am grieving with you in your deepest sorrow.”
I was not asked, “How are you dealing with his passing?”, I was told “I lost a brother/sister/mother… I was devastated… still am….”
 
As I sat on the floor of my condo reading these people’s comments, I was shocked to see how many of us might try to heal our own unresolved grief perhaps using the grief of others as a platform.
 
Part of me felt like screaming, “It’s not about you right now!” and I did not do it, simply because I would become The Wound, perhaps just like them in that moment.
 
When my mentor asked me what was it that I wanted from them, I said that I want people to listen, just listen. 
 
 
+++
The day my brother died, I also called someone who was once very close to me, I have known him for 25 years, and he met my brother 4-5 times during his life.
 
Upon hearing the news, he proceeding on telling me what type of troubled but good person my brother was and how to position myself with a lot of ‘shoulds’ for good measure.
 
I lost my shit (I really did) and screamed, “Stop! You have not seen him in over 10 years and you are judging?!!! Who the hell are you to tell me how I ‘should’ deal with his passing anyway?”
 
He became silent. I took this opportunity to say, “I just need you to listen, okay? Can you just listen to me without judgment?” 
 
 
+++
Because of my brother’s passing, I have decided to break a silence of three years with my birth family and contacted my biological mother.
 
I sat on a chair in my condo. I made sure I was being connected to my heart. I visualized a big red Santa bag of compassion, took a deep breath, and dialled the number.
 
“Anne, is that you?”
 
I answered yes. I offered her and my father my condolences and asked her how she was feeling and what I may do to assist. She replied with, “What happened to your voice? You sound strange. Why is your voice so deep?”
 
Just like that, without asking me how I am or how I have been, she moved to telling me about selling my brother’s personal possessions, his vehicles, her inheriting the house, … I resolutely kept focusing on the red big Santa bag.
 
At one point, she stops and says, “You know your brother said a lot of bad things about you, Anne… a lot! You are not liked at all, you might as well know this! And as for your father… well… he hates you too. But not me!”
 
As I sat in front of my mentor relaying this conversation, he asked, “What made you call?”
 
“I want to be here for her. I believe I can listen without judgment. I even held a big Santa bag of compassion open!”
 
He continued, “Where was your discernment after being told you are hated by family members?”
 
It is at this point I realized I had not thought about discernment, how the words and actions of actions of others affect our own self.
 
 
+++
In that same vein, my daughter called me the afternoon of the funeral. She had been going through some personal stuff and was apparently fed up with certain aspects of her life.
 
She proceeded to tell me some actions she had taken to better her life and I started telling her what I believe she ‘should’ do.
 
Her reply came swift, “You do not know me.”
 
I stopped and realized I was now doing what I so dislike: judging!
 
I asked her instead, “How may I assist you right now?”
 
She said, “I need you to listen to me, no feedback, no telling, just listening. Can you do that?”
 
All of a sudden, it was as if I was starting to see how seemingly four disparate events in my life were all being linked together by a magical Thread Reality lesson.
 
+++
When I spoke with my mentor on Tuesday, I asked him to bring me clarity because, Holy Shit!, I do want to do the rightful thing by myself and others.
 
Dov asked,
 

 “What is the difference between judgment and discernment?”

 
I answered,
 

“Judgment is about others. 

Discernment is about the self, what works for me.”

 
“Therefore,” he said,
 

“Listen without judgment and with discernment”

 
 
For me, this shared pearl of wisdom is becoming to signify, “Listen with compassion and refuse to give in to personal attacks or enabling through ‘no feedback’.”
 
For you,
 

“What is the lesson you are needing to learn right now?”

 
⇑⇑⇑
 
This blog series, Thread Reality, is sponsored by Walking Inside Resources Inc. Its purpose is to explore reality threads between various life experiences.
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Coach, Author, and Authentic Speaker. To book a 20 minutes complimentary coaching session, you can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com