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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

Categories
Accountability Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Conscience Courage Curiosity Decency Depression Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Frustration Gratefulness Guilt Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
Categories
acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Social Awareness Space Speaking Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

AWAKENING

AWAKENING
 
I awoke in the middle of the night,
Frightened and scared,
Thinking I was alone.
I looked around the bedroom,
Stillness and shadows greeting me.
What an unfamiliar sight, I thought to myself,
To be alone with one’s thoughts,
To be shyly greeting one’s feelings.
 
Out of habit,
I called out a name,
Thinking you would come,
But the echo came back empty.
I did not yet understand,
Love is neither a name or a game,
It is a flowing feeling,
Like waves, rising and falling,
Amidst our own waters.
 
Thinking I knew better,
I turned my bed into a raft,
I paddled day and night,
Still hoping to find you,
Afloat on another raft nearby.
 
Feeling more lost than ever,
I finally stopped doing this crazy thing,
And started instead to
Listen to the wind
Who has always known my name.
 
It said,
“Dive,
Dive deep within,
For the one you are looking for,
The Beloved,
Is awaiting.”
 
I told the Wind,
“I am no Mermaid,
To flag my tale under water.”
And the Wind softly replied,
“Trust and Have Faith,
Within you is always the Way.”
 
So I took a majestic dive
Perhaps the way Dolphins do?
Feeling my own breathing
Echoing back to me
The beauty of universes within.
 
I now use my raft as a diving board,
In whatever room I find myself in,
I remember Ocean Waves belong
To the One
Awakened in the middle of the night.
 
With Deep Gratitude,
Anne
 
Dov Baron, thank you for being the Wind speaking softly to me, I am grateful
 
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
Categories
Accountability Anger Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Compassion Confidence Decency Emotional Boundaries Emotional Intelligence Enabling freedom Frustration Ignorance Inner Peace Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Leadership Love Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Social Awareness Stress WalkingInside

HOW TO ADDRESS A HAND ON A NON-CONSENSUAL LOWER BACK

As soon as I enter the room, I spot him right away. He is not hard to miss, really, for he looks like a beautiful social butterfly, passing a joke to a man with a hand on their shoulder, shaking another man’s hand on their way out. What I find deeply intriguing is how his behaviour seems to change when facing women…
 
I watch him approach a female full frontal. To me, she appears like a nice girl, you know, the type that rather turns beet red instead of speaking up? Smiling a smile I believe does not quite reach his eyes, without even asking her, he pulls her hard into his arms. She laughs nervously and says… nothing!
 
I ask my girlfriend, “Who is he?”
 
She laughs, “It’s….  He’s actually harmless, Anne, he does this to all women.”
 
I look at her, shocked. “You mean, he is allowed to behave like this because this is what he does?”
 
She shrugs, “What’s you gonna do? I just ignore it.”
 
 

How many of us allow a potentially offensive behaviour 

to continue, just because ‘that’s what we do’?

 
 
I ask her, “Has he ever done this to you?”
 
“Yeah, several times.”
 
“Where has he touched you?”
 
She shrugs, “O, you know, he hugs me, gives me kisses on my cheeks.”
 
“Does he even know you’re married?”
 
“Yeah, I think so. He’s married too, very pretty wife. She’s not here tonight.”
 
My eyes grow bigger.
 
“Anne, he’s harmless!”
 
I am unconvinced. In my past, I have seen my share of men taking physical and emotional advantage of unassertive women. How do I know? I used to be a doormat for guys like him.
 
Our social butterfly zeroes in on me and swiftly walks over. Quickly cocking his head into mine, he smacks his right hand possessively on my lower back, pulls me closer to him physically, and asks ‘smiling’, “Who are you and what do you do?”
 
I look at him with zero smile on my face or in my eyes. “I’m Anne, I’m an Emotional Intelligence Coach.”
 
“A whaaat?”
 
I take a deep breath. “I assist people understand why they do what they do, like what you are doing with your right hand. Remove it now.”
 
Maybe it is my tone and body language… but he physically takes a step back. He stutters, “I’m… I’m… educated… and I don’t even understand what you do!”
 
“You’re educated? ‘Educated’ means something else to me, but get this….” By the time I finish listing my academic and professional accreditations, he throws both his arms in the air, and says the most fascinating thing ever,  “How do I compete with this? You just emasculated me!”
 
On this, he walks away, seemingly unhappy.
 
 
Let’s stop for a moment and consider,
 

Why do some women get uncomfortable 

when a hand is placed upon their lower back?

 
 
To answer this question,
 

Did you know our LOWER BACK is often associated with 

the feeling of FREEDOM?

 
 
Therefore,

If our lower back is touched in a non-consensual way, 

survival mode often kicks in…

 

some of us will…

say nothing (freeze) or

walk away (flight) or

insult or push back physically (fight)

 
Not a great place place to be in any case, if you ask me.
 
Therefore, let’s understand,
 

What might be the hidden purpose of a hand 

placed on another’s lower back?

 
Is it a sign of friendly gesture?
 
Is it a loose attempt at flirting?
 
Is it a focused attempt at testing the waters to see if can go lower?
 
I don’t know about you, but this social butterfly did give me some clue as to his own motives when he said, “How can I compete with this? You just emasculated me!”
 
Now,
 

If a hand is placed onto a non-consensual lower back, 

how much of it is a claim for domination?

 
You be the judge.
 

Here are some coaching tips for women who are having issues with unwanted hands placed onto their lower back:

 

  • Acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. Pay attention to the physical signs showing up in your body. Are you tensing up? Does your breathing become shallower? When we become anxious, often, we stop breathing deeply, which signals the brain we are in the presence of some kind of personal danger.

  • Breathe deeply. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” If it is for the other person to remove their hand from your lower back, breathe deeply and firmly affirm, “Remove your hand now.”

  • Take action. Some people might not take well to an assertive woman. For example, snide remarks might be made. My question to you is, “Who is more important to you, you or them?” If the answer is you, stand by your position. If you think others are more important, then why did you read this blog to the end?…

 
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who believe we are all deserving of strong emotional boundaries. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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Accountability Awareness Blind Spots Conscience Curiosity Emotional Intelligence freedom Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Self-empowerment Sensitivity WalkingInside

WHAT MAKES INTUITION, CURB AWAY PAIN

On the ladder of consciousness, it is said intuition ranks the highest, followed by intellect, then instinct. My question to you is, is it true? Is it always true?
 
When I was a small child, I was full of impulses. At 4 years old, I wanted to know if the wood stove was hot on its side, so I touched it without truly thinking about it. As a result, I burned my fingers badly and cried many tears over my action.
 
My mother who happened to be in the kitchen at the time said, “What were you thinking? Don’t you know hot stoves burn?”
 
Apparently I did not. Where was the intellect in this?
 
Fast forward years later… I am near the same stove again and I see the fire burning inside the stove and I hear the wood crackling as flames lick it alive. I can even smell a pine fragrance aroma spreading throughout the house.
 
Do I need to touch the stove again to know it is hot?
 
No, I have a feeling it is hot,  rather than merely using intellect and/or instinct to prove it.
 
What has happened?
 
To answer this question, we need to look at a few things…
 

What is instinct? 

 
Many agree,
 
 

Instinct is an impulse, 

something we do automatically without consciously thinking about it. 

 
 
Maybe this is why small children are full of instinct? Because their intellect and intuition may not be developed enough yet to get deeply how things work?
 
I guess, in some ways, my mother was right in asking me, “What were you thinking?”  for self-questioning pushes us to go deeper, grasp where impulses come from, what motivates us to do what we do.
 
The main problem is, perhaps like you at that age, I answered,
 

“I don’t know, I just want to know.”

 
Now, what exactly do we want to know when we operate from a place of impulses, instincts?
 

In my case and maybe yours, I want to build data. I want to figure out

  • what it feels like under my physical touch (touch)

  • what it looks like (see)

  • what it tastes like having/knowing it (taste)

  • what it sounds like (sound)

  • what it smells like (smell)

 
 
Based on personal experienced, I can now tell you that a fire in a wood stove is something magical to me.
 
Do I now need to touch the stove to deeply know this? No,
 

I feel my truth in every fibre of my body. 

 
 
In light of this,
 

What is intuition?

 
It is agreed,
 

Intuition is a deep truth feeling that flows 

when we are fully present through our senses 

in any given situation 

and 

we are open to receive this feeling information.

 
 
As such,

Intuition builds on what we already know 

instinctively and intellectually.

 
Simply put, Intuition uses the knowledge we already have, knowledge that is communicated to us via our impulses, thoughts, images, sounds, tastes, smells, textures, representations, concepts, perceptions,….
 
 
This is why

Intuition is the highest form of consciousness.

 

To be intuitive is

to swipe the aggregate card of our collected  experiences

and read it

without the use of our intellect or instinct exclusively.

 
 
Just imagine… living a life from a place of deep intuition…
You wake up in the morning feeling the sweetness of the coffee percolating in the coffee machine….
You trust the coffee beans are mixing with the perfect amount of hot water….
You have faith the coffee in your cup tastes warm and welcoming in your mouth….
As you go about your day, you have a spring in your step…
You deeply get your life is magical for you are fully present it.
 
 
How magnificent is a life…
a life where you feel its sweetness…
where you trust…
where you have faith…
where you have a spring in your step…
where you get your life is magical because you are fully present in it.
 
 
Me, I do not have to imagine anymore, this is the life I am living deeper and deeper and am now coaching my clients to live.
 
 
I have learned the hard way how badly I get burned where I only rely on my impulses or my intellect to live my life.
 
I now deeply get there is something greater, something deeper, that encompasses and guides all that I am.
 
It is my belief that, what any of us can do to eliminate pain from our life is to
 

Be willing to receive feeling information 

and 

take rightful actions upon it.

 
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who coaches her clients how to listen deeply to their intuition so they lead the life they truly want away from pain. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com