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Depression Emotional Intelligence Sadness

HOW TO TELL BETWEEN SADNESS AND DEPRESSION

Sadness often gets confused for depression, and depression often gets downplayed to sadness. How can we be so confused?

Allow me to shed some clarity by sharing with you a personal story.

It’s early morning and I am sitting under a tree in an area that is deserted at this time of day.

It suits me just fine, that isolation, because I am now feeling safe enough to let my tears run down freely.

No matter what I say to myself, this so-called sadness is permeating every area of my life.

Have you ever felt consumed by an emotion?

Maybe it was sadness, depression, rage, jealousy, resentment …

This tree where I am hiding is located in a children’s park. To my left are swings with sky blue seats. In front of me are earth brown curvy slides. And to my right is a roped knitted dome where little ones exercise their climbing skills.

Suddenly, a little boy comes running into the park. About three or four years old, he squeals with happiness at the sight of the sky blue swings. Without further ado, the child runs up to them.

The contrast between me and him is so sharp that I instantly wipe my tears. I do not want him or his caretaker to see me cry.

But within seconds, the little boy starts howling “No! No! No!”

Not knowing what was happening, I think to myself,

What can possibly have happened? 

He leaves the swings area and walks up to me. Immediately, I swallow a big lump in my throat. Planting both feet firmly on the ground in front of me, he says, crying, “Someone pooped in my swing!”

“I don’t understand.” I anxiously replied.

“Someone pooped in my swing! There are two pieces of big poop in my seat and I can’t sit on it now!”

As he shares his sadness with me, his shoulders are heaving and he is swallowing snot and tears.

I watch him, fascinated. Here is a kid feeling all his feelings and emotions, completely unafraid.

“I am sorry you cannot use your favourite swing right now,” I tell him. I do not know what else to say. He nods gravely at being acknowledged.

I point to the slides. “Do you see the slides over here? No one has pooped in them. Maybe you can play there instead?”

His face brightens up immediately. The tears stop. He looks at me with a big smile and says, “Yeah!”

And just like that, the little boy turns around, runs to the slides, fully emotionally present to receive each moment.

I get up and feel my heart squeezing in my chest. As I walk back towards my place, I think I am so sad that I might actually never know what real happiness is.

 

How to tell between sadness and depression?

 

Sadness

The little boy was sad. Something happened that displeased him and he allowed himself to feel it fully.

When he found out someone had pooped on his favourite swing, he did NOT repress his sadness or push it down.

On the contrary, he allowed himself to feel his sadness fully.

He did not seem to care who was looking at him and what others might think of him.

What he cared most about was acknowledging all his feelings and emotions.

He also wanted the world to know he was sad and it was okay to be sad.

Because he was able to honour his feelings and his emotions, he was able to easily let them go.

Depression

I was depressed.

I took walks early morning so I did not have to face or talk to anyone.

Every chance I got, I isolated myself.

When the little boy walked up to me, I quickly wiped my tears because I did not want him to see me sad.

If I shared about my sadness, I thought it might scare him the same way it was scaring me.

Most of my time was spent thinking about things that either made me sad, resentful, or angry.

Since anger is a blanket emotion covering emotional hurt, my main emotion was “emotionally wounded.”

Let’s recap.

How to tell when sad:

 

When feeling sad, we are 

  • acknowledging our hurt and openly sharing with others what is troubling us.

  • feeling all our feelings and emotions without rejection.

  • using gratitude to bring ourselves back into the present moment.

  • letting go of sadness easily.

 

How to tell when depressed:

 

When feeling depressed, we are

  • hiding our sadness from others and feeling guilty or ashamed for feeling sad.

  • suppressing all our feelings and emotions, even pushing down positive feelings.

  • staying stuck in the past, not able to feel grateful for what we have now.

  • clinging to sadness as an identity.

My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence coach who assist her clients is allowing themselves to feel their sadness fully so they get out of depression. Book a chat with me at https://walkinginside.com/contact-us/
Your EQ coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
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Depression Emotional Intelligence

HOW TO DEAL WITH AN EMOTIONALLY SICK PARENT

I didn’t ask myself, ‘Is she emotionally sick?’

Being eight years old, I just wanted to go play outside,

and have a clean pair of pants to wear the next day to school.

Plus, what does ‘emotionally’ even mean to a kid?

And I didn’t ask if she was physically sick. She looked fine on the surface. She could walk and talk, though she said and did things that even I found strange by moments. Like that time she put my hands on her tummy and told me that she was the Virgin Mary pregnant with the child of Jesus Christ. As strange as she sounded and behaved at times, she was not running a fever or having a drippy nose.

And I didn’t see any physical symptoms of illness on her. She had no broken bones or missing limbs.

Furthermore, she could read a book, taste food, and even make the occasional joke.

So what was wrong with my mother?

In my kid’s mind, nothing was wrong with her. She was my mother and I loved her. She seemed fine to me.

My father didn’t speak to me about my mother. I would wake up one morning and found her gone. That happened quite a lot in my childhood. One moment here, the next moment gone. I didn’t get it. Because I was scared of my father, I didn’t ask him questions about her.

Sometimes a child has a circle of entrusting adults and sometimes they do not. I did Not. The neighbours knew my mother was emotionally troubled and they did nothing, except hurling insults at her and at us.

As for her parents and siblings, they either said nothing or looked the other way, even when they knew she wasn’t dressing herself or feeding us.

As for my father’s side of relatives, it was pretty much the same thing.

To all these supposedly ‘trustworthy’ adults, mum seemed to be the word.

Therefore, I became more and more confused.

What was going on here?

It is said,

Our ‘normal’ is whatever we grew up with.

If that is true, then my normal was to have a mother who believed she was pregnant with the child of Jesus Christ, a father who couldn’t face himself or his own children, neighbours who thought it was okay to bully us, and an extended family who looked mostly the other way. What sort of ‘normal’ is that?

At school, I pretended I had a ‘normal’ parent. I told others my mother helped me with my math homework, and I made excuses for her when she could not attend a school meeting. I often told the teacher she was busy taking care of my grandmother who was ‘sick’. But that was Not true. My mother was the one who was sick.

But I was in denial.

Lying about my mother’s condition became my next ‘normal’. I pretended she was fine, and that she loved me. I even fooled myself into believing she would be cured one day and we would live happily ever after, she and I.

As I got older, I got angrier. I yelled at my mother, telling her there were no children in her belly, and to stop her crap, or she would be sent back to the mental hospital. I thought scaring her out of her wits might stop her folly. Truth is, I only made things worse.

So I came up with the next ‘normal.’ I thought, ‘What if I become the perfect child?’ If I made my mother proud of me, then maybe she would realize I existed? I was the first member of my family to attend university. I didn’t just attend university. Over the course of my adult life, I have accumulated eighteen (18) degrees, diplomas, and certifications. I reached super-normal?

Throughout the years, my mother continued being ghost-pregnant on and off, as if a pregnancy was something she could order at a drive-through window, even though the doctor had removed her uterus in her early thirties.

 

I was grieving badly.

I needed a mother who could love me and I didn’t have one.

Having not learned how to properly love and take care of my wants and needs, I sank into a dark depression and I didn’t even know it. Why wasn’t I enough for her? What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t she love me? In my heart, I kept secretly wishing she could give me what I craved from her, but she couldn’t. Stuck in my head, I became my mother.

I went through adult life on autopilot. I was non-present emotionally with my three children. When they said to me “Repeat what I just said!” I looked at them with troubled eyes, using the excuse that I was “too busy.”

Like my mother, I felt terribly lost. I was emotionally sick.

 

How do things become better?

I sought a mentor, who has been helping me make healthy sense of my  ‘normal’ life. When we met, he asked me the weirdest question ever. He asked, “What do you need right now?” A flood of tears was my answer. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. How would I? I had spent my life chasing the love and approval of others.

My mentor started teaching me about self-love. Through his mentoring, I have learned to feel all my feelings and emotions. I have felt the rage at my father for him having ignored me my whole life. I have felt the hurt at my mother for her pretending that she loved me though she was unable to feel it or show it. Most of all, I have felt the grief of behaving non-emotionally present in my own life.

Over time, I have accepted that my ‘normal’ was highly dysfunctional.

From emotionally sick to self-love.

Let’s recap…

What are the stages one goes through when dealing with an emotionally sick parent?

  • denial – ‘She looked fine on the surface.’

  • anger – ‘I yelled at her to stop that shit.’

  • bargaining – ‘What if I become the perfect child?’

  • depression – ‘I went through adult life on autopilot.’

  • acceptance – ‘I accepted my ‘normal’ was highly dysfunctional and the only way through was with self-love.’

 

Here are five (5) tips to assist you in dealing with an emotionally sick parent:

 

  • Acknowledge all feelings and emotions. Because someone around you is emotionally sick, it never means that you should behave the way they do. Throughout the day, regularly ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling right now?’ Your feelings are important, they are your inner guiding system. Feel what you need to feel without the fear of rejection.

 

  • Ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now?’ If you need to leave the room because you are about to explode in a fit of hurt and anger, leave the room immediately.

 

  • Journal. In a journal, write about what you are feeling, like anger, rage, resentment,… Write about the good stuff too, like when a friend texted you to say hello. Many people think journaling is for ‘losers’, but let me ask you… Who’s the biggest loser? The one who never acknowledges openly what they are going through and shuts down emotionally (like the old me)? Or the one who faces their hurt with compassion and forgiveness in their heart so they get to upgrade from ‘normal’ towards healthy?

 

  • Create a balanced life. Make a list of all the things you find dysfunctional in your life. Be brutally honest with yourself. Look at the your list square in the eye. Ask yourself, ‘Do I want to continue behaving like that?’ If the answer is yes, go have another look at your emotionally sick parent… and ask yourself that question again. If the answer is no, congratulations! You are now taking charge of your life! For every exposed dysfunction, come up with a lifestyle change in contradiction to your ‘normal’. For example, if you see/saw your parents fight a lot growing up, write down something like, ‘I speak and listens from my heart.’

 

  • Seek professional help. Dealing with a parent who is emotionally sick can be taxing on you. Get in touch with people who have gone through similar ordeals. They get you! No one does it alone!

Connect with me at https://walkinginside.com/contact-us/
Your Emotional Intelligence coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com/products
Another great resource is: https://fullmontyleadership.com
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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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IS LINKEDIN BECOMING THE NEW TINDER?

Have you ever received a message from one of your LinkedIn contacts? In that moment, where were you physically? Were you at the office sitting at your desk? Were you standing at home with your toddler in your arms? Perhaps your spouse or teenager walked into the room as you were checking your messages? Keep these scenarios in mind as you read on…
 
One of my LinkedIn contacts, S. D., sent me a message in which he shared how his mother had recently died. He said he was feeling lost’ and needed ‘empathy’. Since we all go through turbulent moments sometimes, I messaged him with words I trust are compassionate. I received the following response from him, “this is what I meant by empathy in message. sorry im not happy doing this or when I’m not doing this. please have empathy. thanks”. 
 
To assist you in getting what S.D. was saying by ‘this is what I meant by empathy’, know that he sent me a full profile close-up picture of an erect penis. The picture was taken at such a close range that pubic hair and veins were easily discernible or perhaps it was just my big Mac screen tricking my eyes?
 
 

Do you consider racy pictures a rare occurrence on LinkedIn?

 
 
For many of my business contacts, including myself, this is actually a common reality. In the course of business, many of us get solicited by what I call ‘The Invisible Crowd’, the men and women who believe they need to show racy pictures in order to get our attention.
 
 
S.D. seems quite young, early 20s, about the same age as my adult son. You might wonder,
 
 

Could young adults be the only ones sharing racy pictures on LinkedIn?

The answer is NO.

 
 
Let me introduce to you D.L. who is in his late 30s apparently. In his message to me, he said that he found me ‘hot’  and wanted to ‘f*ck  me’. Perhaps wanting to make sure I really got what he was saying, I got one penis picture (sparing you this one again) and a series of chest / muscles pictures (like the one included with this article). The difference between him and S.D. is that S.D. messaged me directly on LinkedIn and D.L. took my business cell phone from my LinkedIn profile to text me his ‘information’.
 
 

Is LinkedIn becoming the new Tinder?

 
Meet D. S., a businessman I presume to be in his 40s based on the fully clothed picture of himself that accompanied his email. Here is what he had to say after checking my profile on LinkedIn and grabbing my business email from the LinkedIn network:
 

  “… I must confess you are pretty…”

“… I understand the medium is a business networking medium and not a dating or social networking website and i don’t intend to use it for one .”

“…hope to learn more about you too that is if you are single…”

 
 
Still not convinced about the lack of ethical behaviour some LinkedIN users are displaying? Let’s ask A.W. to see what he has to say. A.W. claims he is in his 50s and, like D.S., checked my LinkedIn profile then grabbed my business email from there:
 

“I read your profile on linked-in and you caught my eye…”

“This is all new for me, it is the  first time i would ever go against protocol of doing business only on the Linked-in website.”

“You should check me out and let me know what you think.”

 
 
Some people are shocked when I share with them the level of unethical behaviour I am at times encountering on LinkedIn from men and women of all ages. Like me, they have also seen instances where people have spoken up against racy pictures or trolling emails, saying that, “LinkedIn is Not the new Tinder.”
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach. Though I am skilled at addressing potential unethical behaviours in the workplace, many business professionals are not as they have shared with me in private sessions.
 

Now, to the people behaving like predators on LinkedIn, here is what I have to say:

 

Saying that you do not know you are behaving unethically, 

when the evidence clearly says you do know,

 is a terrible defence. 

 
 
If you want to lie to yourself, feel free to do so. Just don’t lie to me.
 

According to the Canadian Mental Health Commission of Canada, in any given year:

  • 1/5 in Canada experiences a mental health problem or illness, with a cost of over $50 BILLION to the economy.

  • Only 1/3 who experience a mental health problem or illness report that they have sought and received services and treatment.

  • In the workplace, mental health problems and illnesses typically account for approximately 30% of short- and long-term disability.

  • Mental health problems and illnesses are rated one of the top three drivers of both short- and long-term disability claims by more than 80% of Canadian employers.

  • As early as 2010, mental health conditions were responsible for 47% of all approved disability claims in the federal civil service, almost double the percentage of twenty years earlier.

  • Mental health problems and illnesses also account for more than $6 billion in lost productivity.

 
This is just Canada… Now imagine what the numbers must be like in the USA with their population 10X bigger than Canada’s…
 
Just for fun, let’s do a quick math… Let’s take a Canadian company of 1,000 employees…

  • 200 (1/5) employees are currently experiencing a mental health problem or illness.

  • Since only 33% are seeking treatment (33% x 200 = 66), this means 134 (200-66) are playing ostrich. What does playing ostrich mean? Playing ostrich means answering ‘I’m fine!’ when one’s world is actually collapsing on the inside.

Now, for these 134 employees refusing to acknowledge they might need more emotional intelligence tools and techniques… maybe you even know someone in this situation right now…
 

What is the cost to your company for short- and long-term disability pay-out? 

 

What is the cost to your company in lost productivity?

 

What is the cost to your company in potential harassment lawsuits?

 
Before answering, bear in mind I received these pictures during business hours and these four persons were most likely sitting at their office desk, maybe even across you…
 

But perhaps… worst of all…

 

What is the cost to you for having been exposed to predator behaviours?

Emotionally?

Financially?

Physically?

Spiritually? 

 
What is the cost to your spouse or your child who happened to be in the same room as you when you checked your LinkedIn messages and got greeted by an erect penis, physical chest, or close-up vagina?
 
Let me get something straight…
 
 

It’s not because you may not see it in your own LinkedIn inbox 

that racy pictures/emails/texts do not exist 

within your business network or company. 

 
 

Playing ostrich to predator behaviour

not only condones this behaviour (agreement by looking the other way), 

it has the potential of becoming extremely costly to you and your company.

 
 
Since people suffering from mental illness cost the Canadian economy $50 BILLION IN ANY GIVEN YEAR, what are these 134 employees truly costing a 1,000 employees company?
 
Assuming that total claims by overall employees equal $500,000 (I am being extremely generous by stating a low number as an example) and 47% are mental related claims, we are looking at a ballpark number of $235,000 (47% x $500,000)
 
Without a doubt, $235,000 is a lot of money that could have been contributed generously to any financial bottom line or even your year-end bonus.
 
By hiring me as your Emotional Intelligence Coach, spending $50,000- $75,000 to ensure your employees understand, live, and uphold strong emotional boundaries is a relatively small fee to pay compared to $235,000 with a raining chance of even more costly harassment lawsuits. From where I am sitting, it looks like a financial savings of 80%+.
 

Is LinkedIn becoming the new Tinder?

Are you truly prepared to find out?

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu. I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach and Authentic Speaker who can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com. Let’s make Emotional Intelligence a growing asset within your company instead of you incurring a predator-type liability.
 
Respectfully,
Anne
P.S. If you wish to receive the names of these four persons behaving like predators to ensure they are never part of your business network, kindly let me know. I do have pictures and emails to support what I have shared in this article.
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT SADNESS?

If I were to ask you right now,
 

“Where does sadness come from?”

 
What is your answer?
 
 
I have come to realize that ‘sadness’ is one of these big words that so many people use without truly stopping to ask themselves,
 

“What does sadness mean to me?” 

 
 
At least, this used to be my case in the past…
 
 
But now, I am fascinated with what I call blanket words, words we seem to throw casually over whatever event, person, or situation we might be unable to cope with at the present moment…
 
Sounds familiar? 
 
As usual for me lately, when I want to know to the bottom of something, I start where it all begins… with the words we were taught as children…
 
 

In English, the word sadness (sad) first came from Germanic origin, saed,

meaning ‘sated, wary’.

 
 
As you may probably know, the word ‘sated’ is linked to ‘saturated’, meaning ‘having enough’ or ‘feeling full’.
 
Sooo,
 

Is sadness ‘having enough wariness that we feel full?’

 
If this is the case, then this statement implies there is no other room within ourselves to experience any other feeling in that moment.
 
Is it true?
 
Is it always true?
 
Most likely Not!
 
Therefore,
 

Is sadness a feeling that can be felt in conjunction with other feelings?

 
 
Wooooo….
 
Then it begs the question,
 

“Why so sad if joy is just beside?”

 
 
 
I kept on digging….
 
Turns out the word sadness took its saed away and turned to the Dutch zat, the German satt and the Latin satis, also meaning ‘enough’. But then, something fascinating happened!
 

The original meaning of sadness was replaced in Middle English 

by the senses ‘steadfast, firm, serious, sober’.

 
 
OK, now I am going to poke fun here…
 

Is sadness a steadfast feeling? 

 
According to Google, steadfast means “resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.’
 
HOLY SPITBALLS!
 

Is sadness something we must resolutely and dutifully 

firm and unwavering feel?

 
To say resolutely, one has to determinedly agree to to be sad first.
 
To say dutifully, one has to agree to continue feeling sad out of ‘duty’.
 
To say firm and unwavering, one has to believe they have zero choice in the matter.
 
Is it true?
 
Is it always true?
 
 
 
Apparently, it is only much much later that the English decided to give sadness the meaning of ‘sorrowful’, ‘a feeling involving grief or loss’.
 
Wow, it seems to have taken the English quite a long time to figure out what sadness means to them?
 
Now, maybe the French know ‘better’?
 

The word ‘tristesse’ comes from the Latin tristicia, tristitia, meaning

… an affliction

… a melancholic temperament

… an ambiance marked by affliction or melancholy

… an aspect of something that triggers a state of affliction

 
 
Fascinating, is you ask me!
 
Why?
 

If sadness is ONE aspect of our self that is feeling afflicted,

then it implies we have within our self OTHER aspects that are non-sad.

 
 
HOLY REVELATION!
 
This is amazing news for anyone who has ever believed they might never come out of depression.
 
This means, sadness is just but one feeling within our self that, we can choose to feel and move to joy and happiness.
 
When I hit what I call the shitter, I had no idea I had been depressed my whole life.
 
I mean,
 

How would anyone know they are depressed 

if they grew up with depressed people (their normal)? 

 
 
For me, feeling depressed was my normal, what I grew up with. Therefore, unknowingly (this is what normal does, engrain stuff in us), I carried this feeling of depression with me throughout most of my life.
 
I never quite understood why other people could be so happy looking at a flower or hugging a tree… until I met my mentor Dov Baron. He showed me sadness was just one feeling within me, that there were many others, and I could choose to feel more positive feelings into my life.
 
WELCOME SELF-EMPOWERMENT!
 
Yes, it has taken me a lot of self-compassion to change my negatively wired upbringing to feel more positive feelings of well-being.
 
Here is the thing though, if I can do it with a deeply raging father who sexually abused me as a child and a psychotic mother who believed she was pregnant with Jesus Christ, I firmly believe you also have the power within yourself to change your life. We all do!
 
The question is,
 

“What meaning are you now willing to assign to sadness?”

 
I trust you have found value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Authentic Speaker, and Compassion Blogger. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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HOW TO GET THROUGH “HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU”

I look at him, a playful grin on my face. I am laying on the bed, watching him as he enters the bedroom. “Did you miss me?” he asks casually. As I pull him towards me, I whisper, “Let me show you…”
 
We have all been in this kind of situation…. where we have believed we were in ‘love’ and ‘all’ that mattered was ‘being’ together, right?
 
… Until the dreadful moment where we realize…
 

“What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
 
In the past, I have had my share of this kind of realizations. Feeling squeezed, I wondered,
 

 “What is wrong? Why isn’t he that into me?”

 
 
I thought… it all started ‘great’… We locked eyes across the room and felt a strong physical attraction towards one another.
 
Can you relate?
 
… And before we took the time to really know each other, there we were, showing how much we had missed each other by having sex.
 
 

Is sex automatically synonymous of intimacy?

 
 
I was so eager to have a relationship that I did not know how to be in a relationship.
 
Sounds familiar?
 
Before long, I started noticing his,“Hey, my battery’s about to die, gotta go, ok? Love ya though!”
 
This type of behaviour from him surfaced especially when I wanted to talk about our lack of spending time together…
 
 

Is spending time together automatically synonymous of intimacy?

 
To my increasingly ignored hurt feelings, he answered things like, “You’re harshing my mellow right now!” before storming out of the door, leaving me feeling even more unwanted, unloved, and undesired.
 
It is in moments like these that I have said,
 

“What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
 
 
It has taken me many years of mentoring (I was stubborn) to deeply realize that,
 
 

Like attracts like. 

 
Go back. Read it again.
 
 

A toxic relationship is based on two individuals having the 

SAME primary wound, but

DIFFERENT coping mechanisms.

 
Look at it as a magnet… The magnet is the toxic relationship wound and each end is one person’s coping mechanisms (+ or -). A + could be confrontational, a – could be withdrawal…
 
 

Now, what is your primary wound? 

 
My primary wound is the shame of existence. I grew up in a household where my father treated me like chattel, ‘do as I say or else!’ I had to blindly obey, no matter what I felt. I mainly felt unseen, unheard, unloved. This is why in the past I became attracted to men who treated me like chattel, who did not see me for who I truly am, who did not believe my needs, feelings, and emotions mattered.
 
Is it any surprise to you now that I attracted men who were not that into me?
 
What about you?
 
Let’s take it deeper…
 

What is the greatest form of intimacy?

 
 
I have come to deeply believe,
 

The greatest form of intimacy is, vulnerability by authenticity.

 
 
Go back. Read it again.
 
 
What does this mean, you may ask?
 

Intimacy is, 

 

Being vulnerable with our own self 

by discovering who we are at the core of our being.

 

It is the greatest form of self-love.

 
 
Think about it… If we start discovering who we truly are… where our past hurt comes from… and do somethings to heal our self… What do you believe happens to toxic relationships?
 
I strongly believe,
 

Toxic relationships then become a thing of the past.

 
 
For example, I often get propositioned by men who approach me with seemingly hungry eyes as they say, “I love how deeply connected you are to yourself, it’s sexy as fuck…” 
 
Their dry hunger I perceive, this kind of self-starving self-love, puts me off so much that I energetically close the door on them.
 
Why?
 

With self-discovery comes discernment! 

 
 
When we have discernment, we feel what works for us, we feel gradually into situations or possible relationships. There is no more denying, no more giving in to just blind physical attraction alone, we become clear!
 
 

How do we become intimate with our self?

 

  • Spend time alone. Ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now?’ and ‘What do I really want in my life?’ Act rightfully upon these answers. Build compassion for your self.

 

  • Build strong emotional boundaries. I know, it is easy to say and hard to do, especially for many of us who spend more time stating what they do not want rather than deeply feeling knowing what they do want.

 

But for people like you and me who are deeply committed to their healing,

 

  • Hire an emotional intelligence coach or mentor. We all have blind spots and unless conditioning is transcended, guess what? It will keep running the show under, “What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
Now, I am so deeply into-me-see (intimacy) that I am becoming a different kind of magnet, a magnet who attracts people like me, getting intimately connected with their own self.
 

Like attracts like, remember?

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Authentic Speaker, and Bestselling Author. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE TO SAY, “IT’S NOT WORK ANYMORE”

I have just spent the last 90 minutes with my mentor Dov Baron. As he leads me to the elevator, he asks me,
 
“What are you doing tonight?”
 
I pause and answer, “There’s this blog I want to finish writing after my walk, but that’s not work, it’s not work anymore”
 
Dov looks at me with a smile on his face, his face soft, a nod of acknowledgement following my revelation.
 
I walk outside and I think about what I had just said, “It’s not work anymore”. The more I am pondering, the more I am coming to the following realization…
 
When the concierge in my building made a comment again that he had seen me late ‘at work’ again, I paused, unsure what to say. I mean, how do we explain to someone that writing is my passion and it is not work for me anymore?
 
When a friend called and asked, “Hey, what are you working on right now?” I caught myself pausing, unsure what to answer again. Working on a speaking presentation, making workshops proposals, coaching clients… well… that’s not work anymore either.
 

So, what has been happening?

 
I grew up in a very blue collar community, where most people never attend college after high school if they finish high school at all. In this environment, I developed specific ideas about work and they are not pretty…
 

Work is something like

  • “a job with a minimum of 40 hours at minimum wage and shitty benefits”

  • “a job where my boss irritates me and my co-workers are so-so”

  • “a job where I am ‘chained’ to a desk doing ‘chores’ I do not wish to do”

 
 
Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?
 
And yet, this is how many people, including the old me, view work, as some kind of slave ogre master taking away the freedom of little children…
 

Can you relate?

 
Wanting to know more about ‘work’, I check into my French etymology dictionary to see where the hell did my parents get their ideas of work from…
 
Turns out,
 

travailler, travail’ (to work, work), as early as the 12th century, 

means ‘torment, suffering’.

 
 
SAY WHAT!
 
From the 16th century on,
 

‘travailler’ starts taking its modern meaning: 

“to give our self misery for”.

 
SOOOOOOOO……..
 
If I get this straight… the French went from being a victim of work to victimizing themselves about work?
 

What kind evolution progress is this???

 
Maybe the English know to suffer less than the French?
 
Turns out,
 

“work” comes from 

the Old English woerc

Germanic wyrcan

Dutch werk

and German werk

 
The irony does not escape me… the English have had to check the core meaning of work across four nations? O_O
 
Guess what?
 

Work in English, just like work in French, 

are both derived from the latin trepaliare

which means to torture, to inflict suffering or agony. 

 
 
Insight of this,
 
 

WHO THE HELL WANTS TO WORK?!!!

 
 
Maybe, the Chinese can enlighten a little?…
 
In Chinese Mandarin,
 
Work translates into 工作 (gongzuo)
 

工 (gong)

means worker, the working class BUT it also has the meaning of skill, craftsmanship, to be versed in, to be good at
 

作 (zuo)

means to rise, to grow, to write, to compose, writings (as in ‘the works’)
 
 
Therefore, for the Chinese,
 

工作 (gongzuo) means to develop one’s craftsmanship 

so one can rise and grow?

 
 
SOUNDS LIKE PASSION TO ME!
 
This is just it!
 
I love what I do! I love speaking, coaching, and blogging! These ‘activities’ are not work anymore, they are vehicles for passion, bringing more compassion into our world.
 
When I used to believe that work was work, I had very little compassion for myself. I mainly came from a place of duty and obligation. I was very much a victim of my own closed-minded upbringing.
 
Once I started developing compassion for myself, my ‘work’ became less about work and more about passion, a rising and growing flame that  keeps burning bright inside my heart.
 
Do I have my moments when some of the stuff I need to do feels like work? Yes. Bookkeeping is such a thing for me. This is why I have contracted this work out, so I can keep focusing on Compassion, my Burning Passion inside of me.
 
SOUNDS MIGHTY FULFILLING!
 
Therefore, if work is still work for you, perhaps it is high time you hire an Emotional Intelligence Coach or Mentor.
Why?
 

Because if you knew how to turn your work into passion,

you would already be living it right now….

.
.
.
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach and a Work Myth Buster. Contact me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
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GOING TO THE ROOTS OF HAPPINESS

Happiness is such a big word, don’t you think? I mean, what does happiness truly mean anyway? 
 
Searching for the roots of happiness, I asked myself,
 

“Where does happiness come from?”

 
 
According to the French Dictionary of Etymology (history of words),
 

Bonheur comes from the latin word augurium 

which means

divination, enchantment, foreboding, forecast, interpretation, omen.

 
 
WOW!
 

Who knew happiness might be perceived as intuitive projections 

cast onto people, situations, or things?

 
 
HOLY BURNING SHIT!
 
Maybe this is why some relationships call themselves happy’ while being massively co-dependent? As one person enchants the other to make them happy, to fill a cup they might refuse to fill by their own?
 
MMMMM….
 
I know, I know… it may sound harsh what I am saying right now, but…
 

Isn’t it what projections do? 

Cast a judgment spell onto another 

about what is lacking within one’s own self? 

 
DAMN!
 
Let me share something with you.
 
In the past, when I said, “You are my everything, you make me so happy!”  I did not know I had an emotional hole within that no person, money or thing could ever fill. As a result, I have kept others deeply prisoners in my life, casting them to play small, all in the name of ‘happiness’.
 
Maybe this is why, for the old me, happiness never seemed to last long, for I was constantly looking for the next happiness ‘fix’. Maybe you can relate?
 
Think about it….
 
If someone is to say, “I predict/want you to be happy.”, how reliable would you believe their omen to be, coming from someone with an emotional hole within to start with?
 
HOLY CRAP!
 
Maybe the French got it wrong?
 
So I turned to the English…
 
I guess there is nothing like an old Oxford English to determine the roots of happiness…
 
Can you imagine my surprise and laughter when I found out that,
 

The English stole the happiness word from the Vikings! 

 
BLOODY HELL!
 

Hap is a Norwegian word meaning luck, 

which means

happiness is luck or being lucky.

 
Now, what kind of luck were the Norwegian referring to? Lucky in bed? Lucky in finances? Lucky in war? Lucky in love?…
 
I don’t know about you, but for me,
 

To leave happiness to chance, 

specifically to the randomness of others, 

is not called happiness; it is hell!!!

 
Because, like you, I care deeply about my own happiness, I went digging with the Chinese.
 
Maybe Confucius can shed some light as to what happiness might actually truly be about?
 
In Chinese Mandarin, the word happiness translates into 开心 (kaixin)
 
开(kai) means to open widely. 开 indicates the beginning AND continuation of something. 开 also indicates the capacity of something.
心 (xin) means heart, feeling, intention, centre, core.
 
Based on an ancient Chinese secret maybe,
 

Happiness is 开心, the act of opening our heart widely, 

so we can feel and continue feeling our heart 

deeper and deeper 

at the core of our being. 

 
HOLY MAGIC BEANS!
 
I love this explanation, because this means
 

I AM 100% responsible for my OWN happiness.

 
This means,
 

  • Happiness is never about other people, situations, or things.

  • Happiness is never about luck or feeling lucky.

Happiness is solely about feeling our own open heart 

at the core of our being.

 
Therefore,
 

I AM happy because I AM

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who loves languages for the insights and wisdom they provide beyond the words. I am also an expert on happiness who can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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WHERE DOES IGNORANCE COME FROM?

I am curious… I mean, where does an infant like Ignorance come from? It is a good question, isn’t it? Worth exploring, don’t you think?
 
For many of us, eating pie can be a comforting food while pondering life. So pull up a chair, grab a slice of pi, and let’s see together where Ignorance might come from.
 
“Where does Ignorance come from?” I casually ask its mother, Know-It-All.
 
From my own dealings in the past,
 

Know-It-All is like an egg, a fragile entity, who most often cracks and takes offence easily.

 
Know-It-All squints at me reproachfully. “Who asks stupid questions like this? Everyone knows where Ignorance comes from!”
 
Wrong approach, looks like.
 

With Know-It-Alls, I believe a compassionate approach is a most likely viable solution.

 
I smile at her kindly and rephrase my question. “I apologize for asking a question that is perhaps clear for you. Let me rephrase, What was going through your mind when you decided to have Ignorance?”
 
She puffs on her cigarette, her third addiction in a row that morning. “I just wanted my child to look like me, you know, to have my savoir-vivre (know how to live) and savoir-faire (know how to do). She flicks her hair backward through a haze of smoke.
 
I clear my throat. “May I ask, who is Ignorance’s father?”
 
“Ah! Don’t get me started about that bastard! I am so angry with him!”
 
My eyes grow bigger. Who can she be talking about?
 
“That Curiosity! He thought he was better than me! He kept asking me questions over and over, stupid shit like ‘I really want to know you.’ You tell me, who talks like this?”
 
I so want to answer, “Conscious people do!” but I choose to remind myself to stay clear of rebuttals with Know-It-Alls, simply because they own the pool of right answers apparently.
 
I go fishing in deeper waters, like many curious people do. “Is Curiosity Ignorance’s father?”
 
She looks at me like I have suddenly grown two heads. “Are you insane? No, he is not! At first, I wanted him to be, but I did what was the right thing to do, you know. I went to a non-revealing sperm bank! My baby deserves the best daddy in the world!”
 
This is getting more and more fascinating. Know-It-Alls massively seem to be full of plots and twists…
 
I ask, “Who is the ‘lucky’ daddy?”
 
She ignores the way I said ‘lucky’. I believe this is the main problem with Know-It-Alls, they tend to ignore potentially important communicated data to suit their own beliefs. 
 
“Well, the top sellers were Love and Compassion, but they had conditions! Can you believe it? They require the recipient to be in their heart to truly feel the reflection of them. I mean, who gives a shit? All I wanted was a baby just like me!”
 
I feel for her, this conversation is apparently upsetting her; she is now tossing on her chair, unfocused. I get it for I have found Know-It-Alls often lack skills with how to deal with information provided to them. 
 
“So, who is Ignorance’s father?” I ask again gently.
 
Know-It-All cracks and starts sobbing, “I don’t know, I just don’t know! They said it did not matter and I listened to them!”
 
“Who is ‘they’?”
 
Between hiccups, she answers, “The people… the parents who own the clinic where Ignorance comes from… and the previous clinic owners too, which I was told was their parents!”
 
I am trying really hard to make sense of what she is saying. “So you are telling me you do not know who Ignorance’s father is because you were told once upon a time it did not matter by the parents and those who came before them?”
 
“Exactly! This is why nothing is my fault! Me, I just wanted a baby like me!”
 
 
Based on this short story,
 
 

Where does Ignorance come from?

 

I believe,

 

  • Ignorance comes from anyone who takes offence easily. If a person gets easily insulted to begin with, how secure (knowledgeable of their self) are they truly?

 

  • Ignorance comes from anyone who believes they have all the right answers. If one fails to be continuously curious in life, how deep do you believe is their pool of knowledge about self and others?

 

  • Ignorance comes from anyone who lacks skills in processing communicated information. If one chooses to ignore or deny data in order to prove themselves right, it begs the question, what do they call ‘knowledge’?

 
 
At this point, I would like to share that most of my life, I used to behave like a Know-It-All and I have paid the price dearly for my own Ignorance. Because of my lack of self-examining in the past, I have passed hundreds of false beliefs to my three children. Now, to keep this potential close-mindedness at bay, I am diligently focusing on coming from a place of deep curiosity within me. The rest as they say, becomes history…
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
“It’s all about pie, honey!” is a blog series sponsored by Walking Inside Resources Inc. and dedicated to explore emotional concepts in a context of storytelling and humour.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Bestselling Author, and Authentic Speaker. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com