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Anxiety Emotional Intelligence

HOW TO DEAL WITH ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Anxiety is like a magnet; 

it looks for people and situations displaying a similar resonance.

When she first came to see me, anxiety was something Iris (name changed) did not think she had even though her hands shook as she spoke about her husband’s anxiety.

Asked what might be triggering her husband’s anxiety, Iris then said that he usually became anxious when he did not know what to do. Can you relate?

But as soon as she mentioned it, Iris told me that she was fed up with her husband’s perceived inability to get a solid grip over his life.

Clasping her hands tightly together, the young woman then reaffirmed that he was the reason she was coming to see me; she did not know what to do anymore about his anxiety.

I asked:

What about your anxiety?

Iris looked at me, feeling shocked. She vehemently shook her head and said, “No! It’s not about me! It’s about him!”

I asked the young woman what she did when she believed her husband was having anxiety. Iris answered,  “I sit with him and hold his hand. I ask him to look at me and I tell him he can do it … until he does.”

This method worked sporadically because Iris usually ended up storming out of the room when she believed her husband failed to get out of his own head and get on with it (whatever “it” is).

Can you imagine what it feels like to feel anxious?

Still in denial about her own anxiety, Iris still asked me to ‘fix’ her husband.

Smiling, I retorted that I coach the person in front of me.

I asked her,

What is it that makes you anxious in your relationship with your spouse

Iris’ face fell like a ton of bricks. She talked about the many difficulties in her marriage.  For example, the young woman mentioned how she did everything for him and how she was becoming increasingly resentful because of it. Feeling exhausted, she believed her husband was not pulling his fair share in their marriage.

Through talking more with her, I managed to help Iris realize that she needed to focus on her own well-being and address her own level of anxiety.

What would your life be like if you stopped feeling anxious all the time?

Iris took a big breath and exclaimed, laughing, “O my God, my life would be AMAZING! I would not be so tired anymore! I would have a lot of time to look after me!”

That day, Iris went home with homework to do. Every time she caught herself becoming anxious, she was to stop and ask herself, “What do I need right now?” and take immediate action towards fulfilling her need.

Let me ask you…

How do we deal with anxiety in a relationship?

For starters we focus on:

  • acknowledging our needs. ‘What do I need right now?’

  • taking action based on what we need. ‘What can I do right now to fulfill my need?’

  • remaining focused on our well-being. ‘How can I keep giving myself what I need right now?’

And here are more tips to help you deal with anxiety in relationships:

 

  • Notice where your mind wanders. What makes you anxious? Is it a specific person, a behaviour, a thing, a situation? The clearer you become about what it is exactly that makes you anxious, the more you are facing your anxiety by breaking it down into manageable pieces.

 

  • Pick up only one anxiety piece at a time. Once you have chosen to address a specific component of what it is that is making you anxious, ask yourself, “What can I do right now about what is making me anxious?’

 

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ to focus on our well-being, however, what we believe and what we do do not always match. This is why having a system/person in place to hold us accountable is crucial to our well-being.

Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

Before she came to see me, Iris was determined to ‘fix’ her husband, not yet realizing that she was the one who needed to be held accountable for her own anxiety. Through working with me, the young woman made her well-being a priority in her life.

My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients in focusing on their well-being so their anxiety becomes a thing of the past. Connect with me at https://walkinginside.com/contact-us/

Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com

P.S. Another great resource to check out is https://fullmontyleadership.com 

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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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Accountability Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Conscience Courage Curiosity Decency Depression Dreams Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Frustration Gratefulness Guilt Happiness Hope Ignorance Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace procrastination Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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HOW TO ADDRESS A HAND ON A NON-CONSENSUAL LOWER BACK

As soon as I enter the room, I spot him right away. He is not hard to miss, really, for he looks like a beautiful social butterfly, passing a joke to a man with a hand on their shoulder, shaking another man’s hand on their way out. What I find deeply intriguing is how his behaviour seems to change when facing women…
 
I watch him approach a female full frontal. To me, she appears like a nice girl, you know, the type that rather turns beet red instead of speaking up? Smiling a smile I believe does not quite reach his eyes, without even asking her, he pulls her hard into his arms. She laughs nervously and says… nothing!
 
I ask my girlfriend, “Who is he?”
 
She laughs, “It’s….  He’s actually harmless, Anne, he does this to all women.”
 
I look at her, shocked. “You mean, he is allowed to behave like this because this is what he does?”
 
She shrugs, “What’s you gonna do? I just ignore it.”
 
 

How many of us allow a potentially offensive behaviour 

to continue, just because ‘that’s what we do’?

 
 
I ask her, “Has he ever done this to you?”
 
“Yeah, several times.”
 
“Where has he touched you?”
 
She shrugs, “O, you know, he hugs me, gives me kisses on my cheeks.”
 
“Does he even know you’re married?”
 
“Yeah, I think so. He’s married too, very pretty wife. She’s not here tonight.”
 
My eyes grow bigger.
 
“Anne, he’s harmless!”
 
I am unconvinced. In my past, I have seen my share of men taking physical and emotional advantage of unassertive women. How do I know? I used to be a doormat for guys like him.
 
Our social butterfly zeroes in on me and swiftly walks over. Quickly cocking his head into mine, he smacks his right hand possessively on my lower back, pulls me closer to him physically, and asks ‘smiling’, “Who are you and what do you do?”
 
I look at him with zero smile on my face or in my eyes. “I’m Anne, I’m an Emotional Intelligence Coach.”
 
“A whaaat?”
 
I take a deep breath. “I assist people understand why they do what they do, like what you are doing with your right hand. Remove it now.”
 
Maybe it is my tone and body language… but he physically takes a step back. He stutters, “I’m… I’m… educated… and I don’t even understand what you do!”
 
“You’re educated? ‘Educated’ means something else to me, but get this….” By the time I finish listing my academic and professional accreditations, he throws both his arms in the air, and says the most fascinating thing ever,  “How do I compete with this? You just emasculated me!”
 
On this, he walks away, seemingly unhappy.
 
 
Let’s stop for a moment and consider,
 

Why do some women get uncomfortable 

when a hand is placed upon their lower back?

 
 
To answer this question,
 

Did you know our LOWER BACK is often associated with 

the feeling of FREEDOM?

 
 
Therefore,

If our lower back is touched in a non-consensual way, 

survival mode often kicks in…

 

some of us will…

say nothing (freeze) or

walk away (flight) or

insult or push back physically (fight)

 
Not a great place place to be in any case, if you ask me.
 
Therefore, let’s understand,
 

What might be the hidden purpose of a hand 

placed on another’s lower back?

 
Is it a sign of friendly gesture?
 
Is it a loose attempt at flirting?
 
Is it a focused attempt at testing the waters to see if can go lower?
 
I don’t know about you, but this social butterfly did give me some clue as to his own motives when he said, “How can I compete with this? You just emasculated me!”
 
Now,
 

If a hand is placed onto a non-consensual lower back, 

how much of it is a claim for domination?

 
You be the judge.
 

Here are some coaching tips for women who are having issues with unwanted hands placed onto their lower back:

 

  • Acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. Pay attention to the physical signs showing up in your body. Are you tensing up? Does your breathing become shallower? When we become anxious, often, we stop breathing deeply, which signals the brain we are in the presence of some kind of personal danger.

  • Breathe deeply. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” If it is for the other person to remove their hand from your lower back, breathe deeply and firmly affirm, “Remove your hand now.”

  • Take action. Some people might not take well to an assertive woman. For example, snide remarks might be made. My question to you is, “Who is more important to you, you or them?” If the answer is you, stand by your position. If you think others are more important, then why did you read this blog to the end?…

 
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who believe we are all deserving of strong emotional boundaries. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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FROM FRUSTRATION TO LOVE

This week’s MindFlick is as follows:  “I heard on the news that Pity and Should tried together to save a woman who had fallen unconsciously into an apparently giant pit. Police identified the wounded woman as Frustration.”
 
For many of us, pie can be comforting when trying to figure things out. So pull up a chair, glad a slice of pi, and let’s see what happened with this case.
 
Let’s start at the scene…
 
Pity reported she was walking on the street minding her own business (she says) when she saw this woman unconsciously falling into a giant pit.
 
“I immediately rushed over,” she confessed. “I quickly looked around and saw it was my moment to shine.”  Trying to be brave perhaps, she jumped into the pit after the fallen woman.
 
“I grabbed her hand,” Pity smiles, “I asked her if she was okay.”
 
Visibly shaken, the wounded woman apparently thanked Pity profusely. “Thank you for being here, I feel so much less alone knowing you are here with me.”
 
On the news, I saw Pity pump out her chest real big at this mention. She added, “That will teach all these people in my life who have thought I am heartless and cruel.”
 
The story gets worse…
 
The wounded woman apparently managed to sit herself up against the rocky wall and asked Pity, “Have you called for help? Does anyone know we’re down here?”
 
It is said Pity focused her eyes on the ground, feeling guilty. She did not answer.
 
The wounded woman realized their predicament, “You fool! You blindly jumped after me? Without having locked your safety first? How can you help me now?!!!”
 
On the police report, it is said Pity then started crying uncontrollably, whining about she keeps being called heartless and cruel when all she has ever wanted to do is be useful to others. “Bunch of ungrateful bastards!” she yelled out, “that’s what you all are!” 
 
Luckily, Should walked by and took inventory of the situation. He seemed pragmatic, cold, and highly logical.
 
Pointing a finger at the wounded woman first, he belted, “What were you thinking? What kind of idiot puts herself in this situation? You should know better!”
 
He then turned mercilessly on Pity too. “And you! Following suit without thinking! Just to make yourself feel better! You’re no better than her! Don’t you see? You’re both wounded!”
 
Pity started howling. “It’s all her fault! I just wanted to help! It’s not my fault she is so unconscious and can’t look where she is going! Don’t put the blame on me, pin it on her!”
 
Hearing all these harsh words, the wounded woman was stunned, speechless, as if frozen on the spot. She suddenly felt deeply guilty and ashamed of herself. “Maybe Pity and Should are right, I’m an idiot, I can’t do anything right!” She put both her hands on her face and started sobbing, having seemingly very little compassion for herself.
 
Thankfully, a loving child stopped and listened. She looked inside the pit and addressed the wounded woman. “What is your name?” she gently asked.
 
The wounded woman stopped paying attention to Pity and Should and answered, “Might as well call me Frustration.”
 
“Is this your real name?” the child asked innocently.
 
The woman paused, “No, not really. It just seems so right now; I am not seeing this situation clearly.”
 
“How may I assist you?” asked the child.
 
“Do you have a cell phone on you?” The child answered yes. “Can you please call for help?”
 
The child called and police arrived shortly. They straightened Pity and Should and congratulated the child who had remained grounded the whole time.
 
As the wounded woman hugged the child tight against her heart, the child gently whispered, “What is your real name?”
 
The woman smiled a big smile, “You can call me Love.”
 
The woman then took the child’s hands in hers compassionately remembering she is so much more than what happens to her.
 
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
 “It’s all about pie, honey!” is a blog series provided by Walking Inside Resources Inc. and dedicated to explore various emotional concepts in a pi setting. “MindFlick” is copyrighted to this company.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Author, and Authentic Speaker. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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“SOMETHING PROFOUND HAPPENED, IT'S CHANGING MY LIFE”

This blog is highly personal. This Christmas Day, mid-afternoon, I was on my bed crying, physically unable to get back up.
 
It ‘all’ started on December 24; I get a phone call from my sister, she wants to wish me a merry Christmas. I am happy to hear from her; I have little contact with my bio family. I stop stuffing the turkey and walk into my bedroom where we can talk quietly.
 
She says my latest chapter book is creating waves in the family. She says my youngest brother, the one who almost died of a heart attack, the one I spent all last year mending my relationship with, has apparently decided to block me. Not believing her, I quickly go onto Facebook and realize he is ‘gone’.
 
After the phone call, I come back to the kitchen and decide to give myself, the kids, and our friends our best Christmas ever. I put my suffering aside.
 
As I am peeling potatoes, my daughter Elena comes standing beside me, “Maman, is everything okay? You look sad.”
 
In the past, I would have lied to her, I would have pretended all is well. Since I am done doing this kind of shit, I share with her where I am at.
 
She listens without a word, then asks,
 

“What’s the purpose of the call? Why you? Why now?”

 
I say I do not know. I go back to making gravy.
 
That Christmas Eve dinner turned out to be the best I have ever hosted. Every single one of my children and guest have agreed, unanimously, this was the best meal I have ever served in their life.
 
As I laid in bed at 3:30 am, I thought again of my sister’s words and the tears started rolling down my face. I was acutely aware that, once again, like so many years alike, I was crying once more on Christmas morning…
 
Later that day, everyone leaves (they had all crashed over). I look at my apartment. The success of the party is evident… food scattered everywhere… empty wine glasses… random blankets and pillows… tons of dirty dishes… I look at it all and smile faintly. Cleaning is going to take a while…
 
Instead of getting busy right away, I go and sit on my bed. I allow myself to feel my pain. I burst into tears.
 
I have done enough personal development work in my life to know the difference between ego wound and real sorrow.
 
So I asked myself,
 

“What is it that I truly need to feel here? What is this truly about?”

 
I hear the ‘weirdest’ thing ever, “I am a physical orphan”
 
As I let this fundamental truth – that we are physically born alone and die alone – sink into my physical body, I cannot hold it. The moment I felt this truth for myself, my hip flexors jammed. The psoas muscles, the ones what wrap around our spine and pelvis, jammed, and the next thing I knew, something touched the sciatic nerve and I ‘froze’ on the spot, howling in pain.
 
Everything became like a blur, I did not know anymore what was physical pain and what was suffering. I felt like I was on fire.
 
A darker part of me surfaces, “Look at you, the ‘great’ Anne, you’ve done all this work, and still… you can’t even get off your own bed!”
 
I can feel my muscles tightening, the physical pain increasing, I am listening to that voice, shit! I knew I was becoming small.
 
Every lesson my mentor Dov Baron has been teaching me for the last three years came into play.
 
I told myself,
 

“I don’t have to stay like this, I HAVE A CHOICE, I ALWAYS have a choice!!!” 

 
I asked myself,

“where is she, my little girl, my connection to myself?”

 
 
…and here she came, holding both my hands, standing beside me.
 

Instead of asking her what she could do for me, 

like I had done countless of times before,

I asked myself,

with every ounce of flowing love I have for me, 

“What do you need right now?”

 
She answered, “breathe, breathe bubbles of air into your back” and I heard giggles inside of me.
 
I chuckled, I was unsure what that meant, but I did my best to visualize my back and infuse mindful bubbles of air into it.
 
I felt something shifting a fraction of a hair. That something, it was enough to stop touching the sciatic nerve.
 
I take a few more deep breaths, I feel the pain stabilizing. I decide to get up.
 
It took me quite a few minutes to just stand. There were tears, many ouches , and quite a few swear words.
 
Smiling at my progress, I asked again,
 

“What do you need right now?” 

 
The little girl inside answered, “I’m hungry! I am soooo hungry!!!”
 
In that moment, I realized I was famished.
 
I slowly walk to the kitchen and cook myself a homemade turkey vegetables soup with toasted bread.
 
Eating my food, I became deeply aware that I had gone from being physically crippled on my bed to choosing to love me above all physical people, situations, and things. I believe this is my Christmas miracle, my true love gift to me. 
 
Sitting in front of my mentor on Tuesday, I had not seen him for the last three weeks, I start sharing this story by saying, “Something profound happened, and it’s changing my life”. Dov nodded gravely and with deep kindness in his eyes listens with an open heart.
 
From this experience, what I am realizing deeper than ever before is,
 

All that happens to us is a lesson to

Awaken our own love into us. 

We are all miracles of creation, worthy of a great love, 

starting with our own self.

 
With gratitude,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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WHEN YOU SAY ‘GOOD!’, WHAT IS HONESTLY AWAITING YOU?

Just imagine… you’re sitting alone in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… the sun is drawing freckles on your face. You’re in a small boat and everywhere you look, you tell yourself, “Good! Things are good!” 
 
You ignore the wind that has been picking up for quite some time, and as you grip tighter the rocking edges of your boat, you keep telling yourself, “Good! Things are good!” 
 
You are now feeling tremors coming from underneath you… high waves are angrily crashing one onto another….
 
Sitting in your rocking boat, what do you do? 
 
Do you keep saying, “Good! Things are good!” 
 
Or do you start screaming, “HELP! I need help! NOW!!!”
 
Like most people, I believe you, like me, would ask for help and stop pretending all is good.
 
Some might even argue,
 

‘Who the hell pretends all is good when a tsunami is coming?”

 
Actually, many, many, many people, by the millions and millions, across the globe, live in denial of their own situation, I believe.
 
And these people, they are not stupid, quite the contrary. I believe that, like you and me, they want to believe or are believing in the goodness of people and things.
 
Like this new client of mine….
 
Living  about 1.5 hour away, she has driven a long time to come see me that morning. She says she personally prefers a face to face session than being coached over Skype or the phone. ‘Truth is, I just want to be in your energy’, she says hugging me, ‘it feels good being with you.’
 
I smile, I get it. Yes it feels good to surround ourselves with people who support our dreams, who assist us in understanding ourselves a little more without making us feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with us or that we are somewhat ‘not good enough’.
 
She looks at the city skyline smiling, she seems to love it. She sits down at the conference table and proudly shows me her journal. I notice the pages are blank inside. She says she wants to start the new year fresh with me. ‘I have done everything I could on my own, I don’t know what else to do.’
 
I smile, I get it. So many of us (including me in the past) often wait until they have their back against the wall before they finally decide to, ASK FOR HELP!
 
When I inquire about her relationship with each of her immediate family members, she nicely answers, ‘Good!… I mean… we have our issues but… things are good.
 
She then looks at me as if expecting me to validate her point. I say nothing, I know how tsunamis are formed from my own past experience, and I ask her instead,
 

“How is your relationship with your self?” 

 
She immediately looks away. Salty tears, like little droplets in an ocean, quietly roll down her face as I give her a tissue to blow her nose.
 
She claims she has put on massive weight gain in the last few months, she has just quit a stable pay but highly stressful job, she is concerned about her life partner’s ex-wife parading male strangers in front of their small daughter. she has intimacy issues with her life partner, she is tired of fighting with her mother, ……
 
By the time she feels she has said all she wanted to say, she finishes by saying,  “Good! You know, things are good.”
 

If things are so good in your life, 

Why the tears? Anger? Sorrow? 

 
She looks at me with two giant black balls flooded in water and says in a very low voice, 
 
“I’m angry, I’m sooo angry.”
 
“And I believe you are so much more,” I answer back. “Run me a typical scenario where you get angry.”
 
She says,
“My mother. She comes in, says something she thinks I ‘need’ to know. I try to be receptive, but I don’t agree with what she is saying. When she sees I’m not agreeing, she pushes my limits, more and more and more. I usually withdraw and walk away without saying a word.”
 
It is my belief from my own past experience that this kind of passive-aggressive behaviours has the power to create massively destructive tsunamis that can swallow entire lives.
 
Luckily, for my client, she is waking up to her own reality, she realizes she cannot see her own blind spots and she cannot do it alone. This is why, as she says, she is now coming to see me.
 
How much can you relate to her story? 
 
When it comes to your own life,
 

When you say “Good!”, what is honestly awaiting you?”

Are you kidding yourself or are you getting all the help you need? Like in all ocean based stories, the choice, I believe, is always ours.
 
My client is choosing to get help. What about you?
 
I trust you have found value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
acceptance Accountability Anger Anxiety Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Compassion Courage Curiosity Depression Emotional Boundaries Empathy Forgiveness freedom Happiness Inner Peace Intent Intentions Leadership Love Peace Reality Relationship Self-empowerment Self-Worth Social Awareness

WANT TO AVOID FRUSTRATION THIS CHRISTMAS? TALK TO THE 'TURKEY'

When I was a student away at university, I travelled back for Christmas. My three brothers, two sisters, and I assembled under my parents’ roof and shared with more or less success what had been happening into our life. Sounds familiar?
 
Like many other families, we held what we call a ‘Reveillon’. The Reveillon meal was served on December the 24th starting at about 10:00 pm. Sitting around the table, we stuffed our faces with turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy.
 

I remember feeling relieved when Christmas dinner was over. 

Why is that?

.

I don’t know about you, but I have an older sister who ‘loves’ to take charge.
 
She stood in the kitchen tossing utensils, bitching about her husband’s laziness, whipping me with wise cracks, and not allowing me to walk away either. Ever been in a family situation like this?
 
Like a ‘good’ girl, I asked her, fake-fully cheerful,
 

‘What do you want me to do?’

.

Secretly, I wanted to show I was the ‘bigger’ person.

.

‘You can prepare the stuffing for cooking.’
 
I did not move. I did not know how to make stuffing, especially her kind of stuffing.
 
She looked up from her cutting board, knife in hand, and cracked something like,
 

‘How can you not know?’

 
She looked back at her cutting board, puffing out some kind of snickering sound.
 

Peel some carrots, for God’s sake… Surely you can do that?’ 

.

Now on autopilot, I peeled carrot after carrot. Finally asking her if the carrots I peeled were enough, she looked at me and barked something like,

How can you not know how many carrots we need?

Do I have to do everything by myself?

Are you this stupid?’

 
At that point, she usually poured herself another glass of red wine. How much wine do you drink at family dinners?
 
As for me, you guessed it,

I felt guilty, ashamed, and inadequate.

.

The thought did occur to me to take the diced carrots and shove them all down her throat, just to shut her up. Yeah, we were this kind of ‘loving’ family. How is yours?
 
Ahhh, but it would not stop there.
 

‘You chopped the carrots cubes too big, it will take forever to cook!!! 

The celery cubes? They’re not matching. Have you seen your onions pieces?

What were you thinking?’

.
I also believe every family has a sort of  ‘peacemaker’.
My other sister, sensing I was about to blow up, generally stepped in between us too. She said things to me like,

‘Don’t worry about it, let it go.

You know how ‘she’ is.

Just do what you think is right, it’s going to be okay.’

.

How did that work for you hearing this? 

 
For me, it did very little.
 
Sitting at dinner, I looked at the stuffing with a mixture of anger, sadness, and deep hurt.
 

I could not understand what I had done  for someone else to seem to resent me so much. 

 
Back then, I did not know that
 

 What we do is what we do.

 
 

What this means is,

  • If we talk harshly to others, chances are we talk harshly to ourselves too.

  • If we take other people’s shit onto ourselves, chances are we are not dealing with our own internal shit either; we shift blame continuously.

 
It has taken me years of mentoring with Dov Baron to finally coming to understand a few truths about myself. Perhaps my truth can help you too?
 
Here is how this scenario would run today:
‘You can prepare the stuffing for cooking.’
‘Since you are the chef and this is your meal, what exactly do you put in your stuffing? How many carrots? Celery? Onions? What else? In what proportions?  ‘Show me the exact size of veggie cube that satisfies you.’
 
What I now do different is,
 

Look at someone else’s reality through their own filters.

 

  • There is zero point arguing while doing.

  • There is zero point arguing after the fact either.

  • There is 100% sanity point in asking ‘What exactly do you mean by this?’ BEFORE doing any task.

To me, not asking someone what they mean by what they say/want is like putting a turkey into the oven without turning the oven on. Think about it…
 
By not continuously asking someone you are in a relationship with what they mean by what they say or do is mainly setting your relationship up for failure. Why? The relationship will most likely become colder and colder as unfulfilled expectations leave everyone in it hungry for more.
 
This Christmas, avoid the misery of frustration. Talk to the ‘turkey’, and by this, I mean each of us, including ourselves. Kindly ask,
 

What kind of stuffing (aka meaning) do you specifically want to have with this gravy (aka life)? 

.
I trust you have found value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu. I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Authentic Speaker, and international bestselling Author. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Love & Compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
#emotionalintelligence #walkinginside #frustration #anger #resentment #bullying #depression #despair #delusion #selfempowerment #assertiveness #understanding #love #compassion

Categories
Anxiety Emotional Intelligence Shame

EMOTIONAL PORTRAIT OF FINANCIAL SHAME

When we think of financial shame, we might associate it to Wall Street embezzlement, national bank robberies, or dark Ponzi schemes. And if we look a bit further, we might also link it to the abject economical poverty experienced by many Africans or other countries geographically far away from us.
 
But as the word says, shame is a lot closer than we think. It is a feeling, and that feeling exists in all of us.
 
For example … Have you ever been in a family situation where you had to financially stand up for yourself, but were too afraid to do so, and therefore swallowed your feelings to keep “peace”? In that moment, what emotion do you think was running the show? If you are like me back then, you probably felt shame, but most likely called it something else.
 
Shame is the result of swallowed, buried feelings of rejection, not towards others, but towards ourselves. Shame results from us not standing up for our truth.
 
In this contact, financial shame means not standing up for our financial truth.
 
The main problem with feeling financial shame is that we will either implode onto ourselves (we will beat ourselves up emotionally because of our lack of financial means) or we will take our shame and project it onto others, with often catastrophic results for everyone involved. How do I know? I use to be full of financial toxic shame.
 
 
 

Aggressive people tend to:

  • being overly competitive

  • being offensive

  • belittling others

  • being judgmental and critical

  • being easily impatient and irritable 

  • being physically and emotionally violent

 
Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do as a child if your father cursed you for being born, blamed you for being one more mouth to feed, and threatened to break a wooden chair onto your back?
 
Perhaps, like me, you ran as fast as possible to the other end of the spectrum and became…. passive-aggressive!
 

One trait

passive-aggressive people tend to have in common 

is the ‘easiness’ with which they allow others

to walk all over them.

 
 
 

Passive-aggressive people tend to:

  • being anxious to please

  • avoiding healthy conflict

  • avoiding decision-making

  • self-blaming

  • self-shaming 

  • self-criticizing

  • rejecting compliments

  • apologizing frequently

  • low self-esteem

  • low self-worth

  • putting self last

  • keeping feelings quiet

  • lacking confidence

  • ….

 
The funny thing is, when questioned in the past, I usually asnwered I was quite an assertive person! I actually believed I was unlike my father (aggressive) by being a nice girl (passive-aggressive).
 
So little did I know that,
 
 

Aggressive and passive-aggressive are two extremes 

of the same dysfunctional pole. 

 
 
Many other delusional people like the old me have come up to me and said, “Well, dear, I did not have a violent past like you, my parents are quite decent people, and they taught me to be a nice person!” 
 
Sigh… Who wishes to tell them nice person usually lives right across aggressive jerks and bitches?
 
Think about it…
 
How many nice girls do you know who have gone out with jerks? And vice-versa? 
 
….
 
To bring more clarity to the non-assertiveness issue perhaps…
 

Here is how I used to talk as a passive-aggressive person:

 

  • “What are you going to order?” I asked my date, anxious to please.

  • “I’m fine!!!!” I told my life partner, trying to avoid another fight.

  • “Where do you think we should eat?” I asked the girlfriend ‘I’ had invited to eat out.

  • “Why can’t I do anything right?” I told my teenage daughter, trying to avoid responsibility for my lack of emotional presence.

  • “I don’t deserve you.” I said to boyfriend to make him feel better.

  • “I’m sure you are right!” I mean, “What do I know…?” I said to my boss.

  • “What do you find in me?” I said to every past life partner.

  • “Would you mind if….?” I said to anyone, trying to earn their good favours.

  • “Thank you, but…” I said to close friends.

  •  “So so sorry…” I said to everyone I seemed to have offended or not.

  •  “You go ahead… really… I don’t mind…” I said to everyone.

  •  “Nothing!”  I said to anyone who asked me what was wrong.

  •  “Ohhh… I could never do that…” I said even when I secretly wanted to do it.

 
 
Sounds familiar?
 
I don’t know about you, but I have hired a mentor, Dov Baron, to effectively learn how to become assertive. I get this is my life and I get to live it the way I want and aspire to.
As a result of years of mentoring with him, I now effectively coach my clients how to become more assertive, how to stop being a doormat in their own life and the life of others.
 
For a free 15 minutes Emotional Intelligence Coaching consultation with me, contact me at anne@walkinginside.com.
 

Your life belongs to you, claim it!

 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
Anger Anxiety Depression Joy Leadership Love Self-empowerment Self-Worth Stress

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING?

Am I the only one dealing with shit?
You get up at the crack of dawn and drink two cups of coffee before you can gather the strength to wake up the children to go to school. Your youngest cannot find her pink princess dress and nothing else will do this morning. Looking at the way she clenches her fists, you know she is about to have an epic meltdown. Your other child sheepishly uses this exact moment to let you know he/she has ‘forgotten’ an important piece of homework due today. Wanting to scream but holding it in, you juggle quickly in your head if you can zoom through the homework, find the pink dress, feed them breakfast, and get them in the car by 8:00 am. At work, you zone in and out. You feel sad. You wonder what you are doing there.  Is this what life is all about? Work, paying bills, and having ungrateful children? You start thinking about your significant other too. He/she seems distant lately. Why doesn’t he/she feel close to you? You wonder what is wrong with you. You start beating yourself up. ‘Why can’t I put my shit together like everyone else?’ Newsflash for you. We are all dealing with shit at one point or another. The difference is, are you reacting or responding to life? This is where emotional intelligence comes in play.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the type of intelligence (there are several types) responsible for our ability to be aware of our emotions and the emotions of others and then use that awareness to manage ourselves and our relationships with others.
Emotional intelligence determines whether we have warm, meaningful relationships with others or alternatively have distant, easily overwhelmed relationships with others.
Emotional intelligence addresses what is underneath the surface. In the example above, why is it so important for the youngest to have her pink dress that day? Is she feeling sad, angry, insecure? Getting angry at her for the way she feels instead of helping her get to the root of her feeling will only fuel a greater sense of loss within both parties.
Why do we need emotional intelligence?
Statistics speak volumes! Based on research, up to 80% of our success in work and in life is due to our emotional intelligence. If this number is not high enough to convince you, did you know that people with higher hostility scores (low EI scores) had almost 5x more heart disease and more than 5x the premature death rate than those with low to moderate scores? Still not convinced? The Annals of Behavioral Medicine summarized 10 studies on anxiety and heart disease involving 40,000 participants. They found the risk of heart disease is 2-7x higher in people with high levels of anxiety. High levels of anxiety are linked to a lower ability to deal with feelings and emotions in the moment (lower EI scores). What about depression? Stress? Worry? What role does each one play in your life and in the life of others around you?
How can emotional intelligence coaching help me?
Emotional intelligence coaching works on 4 quadrants:

  1. Self-awareness: I can recognize my feelings and emotions separate from other people’s feelings and emotions. I know what I am feeling and why. I realize the links between my feelings and what I think, do, or say. I recognize how my feelings affect my performance. I understand how my feelings guide my values and goals and interact with my emotions. How well are you able to do this for yourself?

 

  1. Awareness of others: When we become self-aware, we can develop empathy and compassion towards others. Instead of taking things personally (judging / blaming), we ask ourselves what happened to make the other person react this way. We then give them room (make it safe) for them to figure out their own behavior and what they wish to do differently in your relationship together. How fast are you quick to judge/blame others?

 

  1. Self-Management: The more we know who we are, what we need, and what we want in our life, the more emotional control we have onto our self. We are not triggered easily. We manage our stress/anxiety levels well because we know how to make room for ourselves in our own life. This is the place where we develop our integrity, intentionality, resilience, creativity, and optimism (to name a few). How much time do you make just for yourself?

 

  1. Relationship with others: People with low emotional intelligence can get irritated easily and their anger can make them treat others in an abusive manner. They may also feel imbalance in their work, their life, their health, and with family members. How much do your parents drive you up the wall?

 
When we are becoming self-aware and managing our self, we become grounded. From that peaceful place within, we develop deep, meaningful relationships. We exercise a positive influence onto others. We communicate effectively. We foster team work. We become trustworthy. Now, who does not want all this in their life? I know I do. What about you?
#emotionalintelligence #selfleadership #walkinginside #annebeaulieu #emotionalintelligencecoaching
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