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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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acceptance Accountability Anger Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Courage Curiosity Depression Emotional Boundaries Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling freedom Ignorance Inner Peace Intent Intentions Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Peace Reality Relationship Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Social Awareness WalkingInside

HOW TO GET THROUGH “HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU”

I look at him, a playful grin on my face. I am laying on the bed, watching him as he enters the bedroom. “Did you miss me?” he asks casually. As I pull him towards me, I whisper, “Let me show you…”
 
We have all been in this kind of situation…. where we have believed we were in ‘love’ and ‘all’ that mattered was ‘being’ together, right?
 
… Until the dreadful moment where we realize…
 

“What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
 
In the past, I have had my share of this kind of realizations. Feeling squeezed, I wondered,
 

 “What is wrong? Why isn’t he that into me?”

 
 
I thought… it all started ‘great’… We locked eyes across the room and felt a strong physical attraction towards one another.
 
Can you relate?
 
… And before we took the time to really know each other, there we were, showing how much we had missed each other by having sex.
 
 

Is sex automatically synonymous of intimacy?

 
 
I was so eager to have a relationship that I did not know how to be in a relationship.
 
Sounds familiar?
 
Before long, I started noticing his,“Hey, my battery’s about to die, gotta go, ok? Love ya though!”
 
This type of behaviour from him surfaced especially when I wanted to talk about our lack of spending time together…
 
 

Is spending time together automatically synonymous of intimacy?

 
To my increasingly ignored hurt feelings, he answered things like, “You’re harshing my mellow right now!” before storming out of the door, leaving me feeling even more unwanted, unloved, and undesired.
 
It is in moments like these that I have said,
 

“What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
 
 
It has taken me many years of mentoring (I was stubborn) to deeply realize that,
 
 

Like attracts like. 

 
Go back. Read it again.
 
 

A toxic relationship is based on two individuals having the 

SAME primary wound, but

DIFFERENT coping mechanisms.

 
Look at it as a magnet… The magnet is the toxic relationship wound and each end is one person’s coping mechanisms (+ or -). A + could be confrontational, a – could be withdrawal…
 
 

Now, what is your primary wound? 

 
My primary wound is the shame of existence. I grew up in a household where my father treated me like chattel, ‘do as I say or else!’ I had to blindly obey, no matter what I felt. I mainly felt unseen, unheard, unloved. This is why in the past I became attracted to men who treated me like chattel, who did not see me for who I truly am, who did not believe my needs, feelings, and emotions mattered.
 
Is it any surprise to you now that I attracted men who were not that into me?
 
What about you?
 
Let’s take it deeper…
 

What is the greatest form of intimacy?

 
 
I have come to deeply believe,
 

The greatest form of intimacy is, vulnerability by authenticity.

 
 
Go back. Read it again.
 
 
What does this mean, you may ask?
 

Intimacy is, 

 

Being vulnerable with our own self 

by discovering who we are at the core of our being.

 

It is the greatest form of self-love.

 
 
Think about it… If we start discovering who we truly are… where our past hurt comes from… and do somethings to heal our self… What do you believe happens to toxic relationships?
 
I strongly believe,
 

Toxic relationships then become a thing of the past.

 
 
For example, I often get propositioned by men who approach me with seemingly hungry eyes as they say, “I love how deeply connected you are to yourself, it’s sexy as fuck…” 
 
Their dry hunger I perceive, this kind of self-starving self-love, puts me off so much that I energetically close the door on them.
 
Why?
 

With self-discovery comes discernment! 

 
 
When we have discernment, we feel what works for us, we feel gradually into situations or possible relationships. There is no more denying, no more giving in to just blind physical attraction alone, we become clear!
 
 

How do we become intimate with our self?

 

  • Spend time alone. Ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now?’ and ‘What do I really want in my life?’ Act rightfully upon these answers. Build compassion for your self.

 

  • Build strong emotional boundaries. I know, it is easy to say and hard to do, especially for many of us who spend more time stating what they do not want rather than deeply feeling knowing what they do want.

 

But for people like you and me who are deeply committed to their healing,

 

  • Hire an emotional intelligence coach or mentor. We all have blind spots and unless conditioning is transcended, guess what? It will keep running the show under, “What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
Now, I am so deeply into-me-see (intimacy) that I am becoming a different kind of magnet, a magnet who attracts people like me, getting intimately connected with their own self.
 

Like attracts like, remember?

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Authentic Speaker, and Bestselling Author. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE TO SAY, “IT’S NOT WORK ANYMORE”

I have just spent the last 90 minutes with my mentor Dov Baron. As he leads me to the elevator, he asks me,
 
“What are you doing tonight?”
 
I pause and answer, “There’s this blog I want to finish writing after my walk, but that’s not work, it’s not work anymore”
 
Dov looks at me with a smile on his face, his face soft, a nod of acknowledgement following my revelation.
 
I walk outside and I think about what I had just said, “It’s not work anymore”. The more I am pondering, the more I am coming to the following realization…
 
When the concierge in my building made a comment again that he had seen me late ‘at work’ again, I paused, unsure what to say. I mean, how do we explain to someone that writing is my passion and it is not work for me anymore?
 
When a friend called and asked, “Hey, what are you working on right now?” I caught myself pausing, unsure what to answer again. Working on a speaking presentation, making workshops proposals, coaching clients… well… that’s not work anymore either.
 

So, what has been happening?

 
I grew up in a very blue collar community, where most people never attend college after high school if they finish high school at all. In this environment, I developed specific ideas about work and they are not pretty…
 

Work is something like

  • “a job with a minimum of 40 hours at minimum wage and shitty benefits”

  • “a job where my boss irritates me and my co-workers are so-so”

  • “a job where I am ‘chained’ to a desk doing ‘chores’ I do not wish to do”

 
 
Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?
 
And yet, this is how many people, including the old me, view work, as some kind of slave ogre master taking away the freedom of little children…
 

Can you relate?

 
Wanting to know more about ‘work’, I check into my French etymology dictionary to see where the hell did my parents get their ideas of work from…
 
Turns out,
 

travailler, travail’ (to work, work), as early as the 12th century, 

means ‘torment, suffering’.

 
 
SAY WHAT!
 
From the 16th century on,
 

‘travailler’ starts taking its modern meaning: 

“to give our self misery for”.

 
SOOOOOOOO……..
 
If I get this straight… the French went from being a victim of work to victimizing themselves about work?
 

What kind evolution progress is this???

 
Maybe the English know to suffer less than the French?
 
Turns out,
 

“work” comes from 

the Old English woerc

Germanic wyrcan

Dutch werk

and German werk

 
The irony does not escape me… the English have had to check the core meaning of work across four nations? O_O
 
Guess what?
 

Work in English, just like work in French, 

are both derived from the latin trepaliare

which means to torture, to inflict suffering or agony. 

 
 
Insight of this,
 
 

WHO THE HELL WANTS TO WORK?!!!

 
 
Maybe, the Chinese can enlighten a little?…
 
In Chinese Mandarin,
 
Work translates into 工作 (gongzuo)
 

工 (gong)

means worker, the working class BUT it also has the meaning of skill, craftsmanship, to be versed in, to be good at
 

作 (zuo)

means to rise, to grow, to write, to compose, writings (as in ‘the works’)
 
 
Therefore, for the Chinese,
 

工作 (gongzuo) means to develop one’s craftsmanship 

so one can rise and grow?

 
 
SOUNDS LIKE PASSION TO ME!
 
This is just it!
 
I love what I do! I love speaking, coaching, and blogging! These ‘activities’ are not work anymore, they are vehicles for passion, bringing more compassion into our world.
 
When I used to believe that work was work, I had very little compassion for myself. I mainly came from a place of duty and obligation. I was very much a victim of my own closed-minded upbringing.
 
Once I started developing compassion for myself, my ‘work’ became less about work and more about passion, a rising and growing flame that  keeps burning bright inside my heart.
 
Do I have my moments when some of the stuff I need to do feels like work? Yes. Bookkeeping is such a thing for me. This is why I have contracted this work out, so I can keep focusing on Compassion, my Burning Passion inside of me.
 
SOUNDS MIGHTY FULFILLING!
 
Therefore, if work is still work for you, perhaps it is high time you hire an Emotional Intelligence Coach or Mentor.
Why?
 

Because if you knew how to turn your work into passion,

you would already be living it right now….

.
.
.
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach and a Work Myth Buster. Contact me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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Accountability Anger Anxiety Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Compassion Confidence Decency Emotional Boundaries Emotional Intelligence Enabling freedom Frustration Ignorance Inner Peace Instinct Intellect Intent Intentions Leadership Love Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Relationship Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Social Awareness Stress WalkingInside

HOW TO ADDRESS A HAND ON A NON-CONSENSUAL LOWER BACK

As soon as I enter the room, I spot him right away. He is not hard to miss, really, for he looks like a beautiful social butterfly, passing a joke to a man with a hand on their shoulder, shaking another man’s hand on their way out. What I find deeply intriguing is how his behaviour seems to change when facing women…
 
I watch him approach a female full frontal. To me, she appears like a nice girl, you know, the type that rather turns beet red instead of speaking up? Smiling a smile I believe does not quite reach his eyes, without even asking her, he pulls her hard into his arms. She laughs nervously and says… nothing!
 
I ask my girlfriend, “Who is he?”
 
She laughs, “It’s….  He’s actually harmless, Anne, he does this to all women.”
 
I look at her, shocked. “You mean, he is allowed to behave like this because this is what he does?”
 
She shrugs, “What’s you gonna do? I just ignore it.”
 
 

How many of us allow a potentially offensive behaviour 

to continue, just because ‘that’s what we do’?

 
 
I ask her, “Has he ever done this to you?”
 
“Yeah, several times.”
 
“Where has he touched you?”
 
She shrugs, “O, you know, he hugs me, gives me kisses on my cheeks.”
 
“Does he even know you’re married?”
 
“Yeah, I think so. He’s married too, very pretty wife. She’s not here tonight.”
 
My eyes grow bigger.
 
“Anne, he’s harmless!”
 
I am unconvinced. In my past, I have seen my share of men taking physical and emotional advantage of unassertive women. How do I know? I used to be a doormat for guys like him.
 
Our social butterfly zeroes in on me and swiftly walks over. Quickly cocking his head into mine, he smacks his right hand possessively on my lower back, pulls me closer to him physically, and asks ‘smiling’, “Who are you and what do you do?”
 
I look at him with zero smile on my face or in my eyes. “I’m Anne, I’m an Emotional Intelligence Coach.”
 
“A whaaat?”
 
I take a deep breath. “I assist people understand why they do what they do, like what you are doing with your right hand. Remove it now.”
 
Maybe it is my tone and body language… but he physically takes a step back. He stutters, “I’m… I’m… educated… and I don’t even understand what you do!”
 
“You’re educated? ‘Educated’ means something else to me, but get this….” By the time I finish listing my academic and professional accreditations, he throws both his arms in the air, and says the most fascinating thing ever,  “How do I compete with this? You just emasculated me!”
 
On this, he walks away, seemingly unhappy.
 
 
Let’s stop for a moment and consider,
 

Why do some women get uncomfortable 

when a hand is placed upon their lower back?

 
 
To answer this question,
 

Did you know our LOWER BACK is often associated with 

the feeling of FREEDOM?

 
 
Therefore,

If our lower back is touched in a non-consensual way, 

survival mode often kicks in…

 

some of us will…

say nothing (freeze) or

walk away (flight) or

insult or push back physically (fight)

 
Not a great place place to be in any case, if you ask me.
 
Therefore, let’s understand,
 

What might be the hidden purpose of a hand 

placed on another’s lower back?

 
Is it a sign of friendly gesture?
 
Is it a loose attempt at flirting?
 
Is it a focused attempt at testing the waters to see if can go lower?
 
I don’t know about you, but this social butterfly did give me some clue as to his own motives when he said, “How can I compete with this? You just emasculated me!”
 
Now,
 

If a hand is placed onto a non-consensual lower back, 

how much of it is a claim for domination?

 
You be the judge.
 

Here are some coaching tips for women who are having issues with unwanted hands placed onto their lower back:

 

  • Acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. Pay attention to the physical signs showing up in your body. Are you tensing up? Does your breathing become shallower? When we become anxious, often, we stop breathing deeply, which signals the brain we are in the presence of some kind of personal danger.

  • Breathe deeply. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” If it is for the other person to remove their hand from your lower back, breathe deeply and firmly affirm, “Remove your hand now.”

  • Take action. Some people might not take well to an assertive woman. For example, snide remarks might be made. My question to you is, “Who is more important to you, you or them?” If the answer is you, stand by your position. If you think others are more important, then why did you read this blog to the end?…

 
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who believe we are all deserving of strong emotional boundaries. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
acceptance Accountability Anger Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Compassion Conscience Curiosity Depression Emotional Boundaries Emotional Intelligence Enabling freedom Happiness Ignorance Intellect Leadership Love Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Relationship Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity WalkingInside

WHERE DOES IGNORANCE COME FROM?

I am curious… I mean, where does an infant like Ignorance come from? It is a good question, isn’t it? Worth exploring, don’t you think?
 
For many of us, eating pie can be a comforting food while pondering life. So pull up a chair, grab a slice of pi, and let’s see together where Ignorance might come from.
 
“Where does Ignorance come from?” I casually ask its mother, Know-It-All.
 
From my own dealings in the past,
 

Know-It-All is like an egg, a fragile entity, who most often cracks and takes offence easily.

 
Know-It-All squints at me reproachfully. “Who asks stupid questions like this? Everyone knows where Ignorance comes from!”
 
Wrong approach, looks like.
 

With Know-It-Alls, I believe a compassionate approach is a most likely viable solution.

 
I smile at her kindly and rephrase my question. “I apologize for asking a question that is perhaps clear for you. Let me rephrase, What was going through your mind when you decided to have Ignorance?”
 
She puffs on her cigarette, her third addiction in a row that morning. “I just wanted my child to look like me, you know, to have my savoir-vivre (know how to live) and savoir-faire (know how to do). She flicks her hair backward through a haze of smoke.
 
I clear my throat. “May I ask, who is Ignorance’s father?”
 
“Ah! Don’t get me started about that bastard! I am so angry with him!”
 
My eyes grow bigger. Who can she be talking about?
 
“That Curiosity! He thought he was better than me! He kept asking me questions over and over, stupid shit like ‘I really want to know you.’ You tell me, who talks like this?”
 
I so want to answer, “Conscious people do!” but I choose to remind myself to stay clear of rebuttals with Know-It-Alls, simply because they own the pool of right answers apparently.
 
I go fishing in deeper waters, like many curious people do. “Is Curiosity Ignorance’s father?”
 
She looks at me like I have suddenly grown two heads. “Are you insane? No, he is not! At first, I wanted him to be, but I did what was the right thing to do, you know. I went to a non-revealing sperm bank! My baby deserves the best daddy in the world!”
 
This is getting more and more fascinating. Know-It-Alls massively seem to be full of plots and twists…
 
I ask, “Who is the ‘lucky’ daddy?”
 
She ignores the way I said ‘lucky’. I believe this is the main problem with Know-It-Alls, they tend to ignore potentially important communicated data to suit their own beliefs. 
 
“Well, the top sellers were Love and Compassion, but they had conditions! Can you believe it? They require the recipient to be in their heart to truly feel the reflection of them. I mean, who gives a shit? All I wanted was a baby just like me!”
 
I feel for her, this conversation is apparently upsetting her; she is now tossing on her chair, unfocused. I get it for I have found Know-It-Alls often lack skills with how to deal with information provided to them. 
 
“So, who is Ignorance’s father?” I ask again gently.
 
Know-It-All cracks and starts sobbing, “I don’t know, I just don’t know! They said it did not matter and I listened to them!”
 
“Who is ‘they’?”
 
Between hiccups, she answers, “The people… the parents who own the clinic where Ignorance comes from… and the previous clinic owners too, which I was told was their parents!”
 
I am trying really hard to make sense of what she is saying. “So you are telling me you do not know who Ignorance’s father is because you were told once upon a time it did not matter by the parents and those who came before them?”
 
“Exactly! This is why nothing is my fault! Me, I just wanted a baby like me!”
 
 
Based on this short story,
 
 

Where does Ignorance come from?

 

I believe,

 

  • Ignorance comes from anyone who takes offence easily. If a person gets easily insulted to begin with, how secure (knowledgeable of their self) are they truly?

 

  • Ignorance comes from anyone who believes they have all the right answers. If one fails to be continuously curious in life, how deep do you believe is their pool of knowledge about self and others?

 

  • Ignorance comes from anyone who lacks skills in processing communicated information. If one chooses to ignore or deny data in order to prove themselves right, it begs the question, what do they call ‘knowledge’?

 
 
At this point, I would like to share that most of my life, I used to behave like a Know-It-All and I have paid the price dearly for my own Ignorance. Because of my lack of self-examining in the past, I have passed hundreds of false beliefs to my three children. Now, to keep this potential close-mindedness at bay, I am diligently focusing on coming from a place of deep curiosity within me. The rest as they say, becomes history…
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
“It’s all about pie, honey!” is a blog series sponsored by Walking Inside Resources Inc. and dedicated to explore emotional concepts in a context of storytelling and humour.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Bestselling Author, and Authentic Speaker. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

Categories
acceptance Accountability Anger Awareness Blind Spots Compassion Curiosity Emotional Intelligence Frustration Happiness Inner Peace Joy Leadership Love Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Relationship Self-empowerment Social Awareness Tolerance

WHY TOLERANCE IS LIKE A COLICKY BABY…

“A girlfriend of Acceptance set her up with Rejection, a well-known ‘bad boy’ in the hood. Their attraction was apparently so strong that they madly, blindly fell for each other and a taciturn child was produced from this extreme union. Prone to colics since birth, this baby was named Tolerance.” 
 
For many of us, eating pie can be comforting while trying to figure out life. So pull up a chair, grab a slice of pi, and let’s see together what is the deal with Acceptance, Rejection, Tolerance.
 

What is Acceptance?

 
It has been claimed that,
 

Acceptance is the action or process of being received 

as adequate or suitable. 

 
When we accept something, we are like this adult with both knees on the ground who sees a small child running to them with open arms. 
 
Our eyes are mainly focused on the heart, we see the child’s heart, we openly welcome it. 
 
We are not thinking whether it is good or bad. We choose to see it for what it truly is, a laughing heart running towards us with open arms.
 
 

What is Rejection?

 
It is often said,
 

Rejection is the action or process of being dismissed 

as inadequate or unsuitable. 

 
When we reject something, we are like this adult who turns their back on a small child running to them with open arms. 
 
Our eyes are mainly focused on the exterior, we see with the mind, we judge, discrimate, dismiss.
 
We are most likely unconcerned with the child’s heart. We might choose to see it for what it is NOT, something unlovable and unwanted.
 
 
Based on these two definitions, can you see how Acceptance and Rejection are two extremes of the same pole?
 
And how
 

All things that have extreme opposites usually contain a mad, 

blind attraction to each other. 

 
When Acceptance and Rejection shack up together, they usually produce what I call a taciturn relationship. A taciturn relationship means reserved or uncommunicative, saying little.
 
 
 

What do you believe happens in a relationship 

when what needs to be said consistently remains unsaid? 

When we choose to keep turning a blind eye to what is?

 

We give birth to Tolerance!

 
 
 

What is Tolerance?

 
For many,
 

Tolerance is the ability or willingness to endure something

 we might not necessarily agree with. 

 
 

Is Tolerance healthy?

 
I don’t know about you, but I have lived and witnessed a colicky baby such as Tolerance…
 

On the surface, Tolerance looks peaceful, as if accepting what is…

 

until the moment when the internal pain becomes too much…

 

and Tolerance explodes in screaming rejection…

 
 
Soooo,
 
Next time you feel like Tolerance is the consistent way to go in your relationships, you might want to consider what it is exactly you are accepting to keep quiet in the fear of feeling the pain of rejection.
 
With Love & Compassion,
Anne
 
“It’s all about pie, honey!” is a blog series provided by Walking Inside Resources Inc. and dedicated to explore various emotional concepts in a context of storytelling and possibly humour.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Bestselling Author, and Authentic Speaker. To book a complimentary 20 minutes coaching session, you can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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WHY A BREAK-UP MAY NOT BE A TRUE SOLUTION

“I broke up with him, I moved out, I’m done!” says my new coaching client. Her voice sounds like a mixture of anger, hurt, and frustration.
 
“Are you sure you are done?”  She has been married for quite a few years now.
 
She avoids answering clearly. “I moved out, what else you want to hear?!”
 
“Moving out does not necessarily mean we are ‘done’ with a relationship. Do you still love him?”
 
Her tone rises. “No, I don’t! I stopped loving him long ago!”
 
I ask, “What made you stay then?”
 
“I did not have the money to leave and I thought.. perhaps… he would change.”
 
“What made you keep hoping for hope that he will change though you say you are done already?”
 
She stops for a moment, maybe realizing her anger might be blinding her? 
 
The moment for possible accountability passes, she goes into attacking character, “Well, you do not know him, he will never change, he is a liar and a bullshitter! I told him I would never go back to the man he is right now unless he changes.”
 
“So you have made a proposal for reconciliation?”
 
“Whaaaat?” She stops, unsure what to say next. Yes, being accountable 100% for our words and actions can be daunting at times.
 
“But, but… you don’t know all the mean things he has said to me!” She wants to show me text messages and I stop her. My job is to assist her in gaining clarity, not debate who is right or wrong.
 
“Tell me, after having read all these ‘mean’ texts to you, do you trust him?” 
 
She laughs what I call a contempt laugh, it is like a rock mixed with laughter. “Pfff! Would you trust someone like that?”
 
She keeps deflecting. I repeat the question, “Do you trust him?”
 
“No! Trust is 100% gone!”
 
“If trust is 100% gone, then what made you make him an offer of reconciliation?”
 
She pauses again then shakes her head, “No! He would have to do so much for me to trust him again.”
 
“Like what?”
 
“Like be here for me.”
 
“What does that mean to you?”
 
She gives me a look like I am stupid or something. I laugh and say, “Pretend I am 5 years old. Because you know what? When we are wounded, chances are we are behaving like a 5 year old in that moment.”
 
She relaxes, “We would be together, you know, together!”
 
“What does this mean to you, ‘together together’? Be specific. Go deeper.” 
 
“I want him to ask me how my day was when he comes home. I want him to sit down on the sofa with me and listen to me talk about my day, whether it is good or bad.”
 
“How long does he need to sit with you for?” 
 
We could hear a pin drop. “Fifteen minutes.”
 
“How many times a day? A week?” She answers every day, once a day.
 
“Have you ever made this specific request, “I need you to sit on the couch once a day, every day, when you come home from work, and listen to me talk about my day for fifteen minutes, whether my day is good or bad.”
 
“Well, not exactly, but he knoowwwwws!”
 
“Does he? Maybe he does not, you just moved out.”
 
She looks at the table. I up the pressure a bit, “You said you have lost all trust in him. If he were to exactly meet your demand, how many times or how long does he have to do it before you trust him again?”
 
“I… I don’t understand the question.”  
 
“Trust is earned, isn’t it? So how many times does he have to show you he has ‘changed’ before you accept the ‘change’?”
 
“I don’t know. Right now, it seems like I can never trust him again.”
 
“If this is true, then what made you do a proposal for reconciliation?”
 
“Because I want to make sure 100% I am making the right decision.”
 
“Ah! So you are trying to get clear at the expense of someone else? Someone who perhaps might happen to be your own reflection in the mirror?”
 
“….I … I thought we were different. This way, it was so easy to blame him for everything…”
 
 
Let’s stop here for a moment…
 

WHY a break-up may not be a true solution? 

Because…

 

  • We may lack clarity on knowing and expressing our specific needs and wants.

  • We might cast shame and blame easily. We might use anger, hurt, and frustration as weapons to prove we are ‘right’.

  • We perhaps hope against hope that he/she will change.

  • We often behave like a wounded 5 year old.

 
Now,
What do you believe will happen to my client in her next relationship if she does not get clear about herself?
What do you believe will happen to you in your next relationship if you do not get clear about you?
You be the judge.
 
I trust you have found value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients GET CLEAR before they make LIFE decisions. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Love & Compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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FROM FRUSTRATION TO LOVE

This week’s MindFlick is as follows:  “I heard on the news that Pity and Should tried together to save a woman who had fallen unconsciously into an apparently giant pit. Police identified the wounded woman as Frustration.”
 
For many of us, pie can be comforting when trying to figure things out. So pull up a chair, glad a slice of pi, and let’s see what happened with this case.
 
Let’s start at the scene…
 
Pity reported she was walking on the street minding her own business (she says) when she saw this woman unconsciously falling into a giant pit.
 
“I immediately rushed over,” she confessed. “I quickly looked around and saw it was my moment to shine.”  Trying to be brave perhaps, she jumped into the pit after the fallen woman.
 
“I grabbed her hand,” Pity smiles, “I asked her if she was okay.”
 
Visibly shaken, the wounded woman apparently thanked Pity profusely. “Thank you for being here, I feel so much less alone knowing you are here with me.”
 
On the news, I saw Pity pump out her chest real big at this mention. She added, “That will teach all these people in my life who have thought I am heartless and cruel.”
 
The story gets worse…
 
The wounded woman apparently managed to sit herself up against the rocky wall and asked Pity, “Have you called for help? Does anyone know we’re down here?”
 
It is said Pity focused her eyes on the ground, feeling guilty. She did not answer.
 
The wounded woman realized their predicament, “You fool! You blindly jumped after me? Without having locked your safety first? How can you help me now?!!!”
 
On the police report, it is said Pity then started crying uncontrollably, whining about she keeps being called heartless and cruel when all she has ever wanted to do is be useful to others. “Bunch of ungrateful bastards!” she yelled out, “that’s what you all are!” 
 
Luckily, Should walked by and took inventory of the situation. He seemed pragmatic, cold, and highly logical.
 
Pointing a finger at the wounded woman first, he belted, “What were you thinking? What kind of idiot puts herself in this situation? You should know better!”
 
He then turned mercilessly on Pity too. “And you! Following suit without thinking! Just to make yourself feel better! You’re no better than her! Don’t you see? You’re both wounded!”
 
Pity started howling. “It’s all her fault! I just wanted to help! It’s not my fault she is so unconscious and can’t look where she is going! Don’t put the blame on me, pin it on her!”
 
Hearing all these harsh words, the wounded woman was stunned, speechless, as if frozen on the spot. She suddenly felt deeply guilty and ashamed of herself. “Maybe Pity and Should are right, I’m an idiot, I can’t do anything right!” She put both her hands on her face and started sobbing, having seemingly very little compassion for herself.
 
Thankfully, a loving child stopped and listened. She looked inside the pit and addressed the wounded woman. “What is your name?” she gently asked.
 
The wounded woman stopped paying attention to Pity and Should and answered, “Might as well call me Frustration.”
 
“Is this your real name?” the child asked innocently.
 
The woman paused, “No, not really. It just seems so right now; I am not seeing this situation clearly.”
 
“How may I assist you?” asked the child.
 
“Do you have a cell phone on you?” The child answered yes. “Can you please call for help?”
 
The child called and police arrived shortly. They straightened Pity and Should and congratulated the child who had remained grounded the whole time.
 
As the wounded woman hugged the child tight against her heart, the child gently whispered, “What is your real name?”
 
The woman smiled a big smile, “You can call me Love.”
 
The woman then took the child’s hands in hers compassionately remembering she is so much more than what happens to her.
 
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
 “It’s all about pie, honey!” is a blog series provided by Walking Inside Resources Inc. and dedicated to explore various emotional concepts in a pi setting. “MindFlick” is copyrighted to this company.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Author, and Authentic Speaker. You can reach me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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WHAT IS SERVED BY BEING A BIG FISH IN A SMALL POND?

Three years ago, I was asked a similar version of this question by my future mentor Dov Baron. He phrased it as something like, “Who are you hurting by playing small?”
 
When I first heard his question, sitting in the audience among hundreds of others, I immediately told him to fuck off… in my head of course.
 
I started feeling agitated inside, angrily pondering, “Who is he to ask me such a question? After all I have been through in my life!”
 
Back then, I was very much a victim and, like all victims, I might not have noticed I was playing small out of fear.
 
Which brings me now to this incident yesterday…
 
I have been actively doing lane swimming for the last three weeks after almost a ten years absence from the pool. Jumping into the water, I had ‘forgotten’ how cold it is at first. I had also ‘forgotten’ how much effort it takes to kick, and how much air we need to keep a swimming rhythm going…
 
I felt out of breath… I swallowed a lot of bile… but I still keep swimming, having faith to become a better swimmer and change lane one day.
 
This week at the pool, I notice a ‘strange’ phenomenon. I am watching this guy, this middle-aged man…
 
When I get to the water, there are about 7 swimmers in the slow lane, including him and I.
 
I notice he waits a solid 15-20m before he starts swimming after the person in front of him. This is a 50m pool. I think to myself, “He is so generous! How compassionate of him to leave so much space between swimmers!”
 
My eyes grow bigger as I watch him then zoom across the water and  pass the swimmer in front of him in the last 10m or so. I think to myself, “WTF! What kind of person does this?”
 
I stand on the ledge watching him swim back towards me. As per his ‘usual’, he passes every swimmer along his path. He even seems to claim the middle black line in the lane as ‘his own’.
 
He touches the ledge and decides to just stand there. I watch every arriving swimmer do a turn around him.
 

“Really?”, I wondered, “is this person for real?”

 
 
As he seems to catch his breath, I seize the opportunity to quickly start swimming. Maybe this time will be different?
 
No, it is not. By the time I arrive at the flags (10m before finish line), he passes me and I choke on water from the wave he creates. I stop swimming and walk the rest of the way.
 
He looks at me, unfazed. He smiles, “Good morning!”
 
I seize him up. “Good morning.”
 
He smiles a bigger smile. “Please! Ladies first! I am not that good of a swimmer! I am quite slow actually!” He chuckles.
 
I look at him coldly, “Is that so? You could have fooled me!”
 
He pretends not to notice my anger. “I really do not want to go right now, I am catching my breath. Go! Please! Ladies First!”
 
I think to myself,

“Am I making all this shit up?”

 
I start swimming. In the last ten meters….
 
Now I am pissed off. All I want to say to him is “What the hell is wrong with you?” As soon as I think it, I stop. Why?
 
Because I now know that,
 

Every time I make someone their behaviour, 

I am triggered and becoming the Wound myself…

 
So I asked myself, “Who does he remind me of?”
 
The Wound howled back, “Meeee!”
 
I used to ‘love’ being a big fish in a small pond. This is why I was so triggered three years ago when Dov Baron asked the question, “Who are you hurting by playing small?”
 
Let me ask you,
 

If you are living into your potential,

would you be offended if questioned on it? 

 
For me, the answer is no, but back then it was…. 
 
Having said this,
 

What is served by being a big fish in a small pond?

 
I believe FALSE PRIDE is served.
 

  • I flaunted my skills in front of people who might be less skillful than me… just like this man overpowering every swimmer in our lane that day. What does flaunting skills without discernment say about us? 

  • I pretended to be nice while screwing people in the back…. just like this man who smiled at me and so politely told me, “Ladies first! I am not that good of a swimmer!” What does fake compassion say about us? 

  • I got to think I was ‘better’ than I truly was in reality…. just like this man who might actually get his ass kicked in the middle or fast lanes. What does being full of ourselves say about us?

 
Now, when you think about what I have just shared,
 

What is served by being a big fish in a small pond?

 
And
 

“Who are you hurting by playing small?”

 
You be the judge.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who assists her clients in becoming expert swimmer in bigger ponds. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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HOW DO YOU HANDLE YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

IMAGINE…You just got the key to a brand new home. No one has ever lived in it before! There does not seem to be any visible scratches on the soft painted walls or the darker hardwood floors. Smiling to yourself, you say, “I’m in!”
 
Five years go by. By now, you start noticing hard-to-pick-up spice crumbs in hard-to-reach cupboard corners, but you let it be. The high electric bill (lots of drafts it seems) is not what you had anticipated either. You start complaining about the cost of living there, but you keep staying. As you often say,‘This is what I know, this is my home.’
 
Ten more years go by. You are now sitting on the couch and take a quickly depressing look around. The grass outside needs to be mowed, but you cannot seem to be bothered, not yet. Why? Because you deeply believe it is not at this critical stage yet where action must be taken or else. So you keep letting it be, as you often think to yourself, “Naaa, it’s gonna be fine”.
 
Twenty more years or more elapse and, holly molly, you might now have deep bags under your eyes and massively look defeated. This house is not what you thought it would be! The roof has leaks and you noticed the other day that some beams in the basement are weaker than expected. It seems like your once-upon-a-time beloved home is not quite so homey anymore. “How can anyone blame me,” you say, “when even the existing plumbing cannot seem to process properly all the shit?”
 
I do not have to imagine that kind of home for me. This used to be my life.
 
When it comes to you, 

What do you do? 

 
Do you sell ‘as is’ and risk the chance of getting a crappy price for the house?
 
Do you angrily move out and go rent somewhere else?
 
Do you start massive home renovations to fix the core issues one by one?
 
 
It is my belief,

How we each deal with this home

is highly related to

how we deal with the relationship we have with our own self.

 
Why?
 
I believe that,
 

When we are born, 

we are the first person to occupy our brand new body:

no one has ever lived in it before us. 

 
Like me, smiling, you might have expressed, “I’m in!” as you grabbed the key to your heart.
 
However, when we are young, we have many needs and many of us massively look up to our parents to effectively answer these needs.
 

But if our parents did not do their internal renovations diligently, 

they have most likely dropped spicy crumbs of conditioning 

all over the cupboards in our mind. 

 
At least, this is what has happened to me.
 
Now, depending on how loved and cherished we were as a child, we might be more or less disconnected from our own sense of self, hence the “lots of emotional drafts” and the “high electric bill”… especially from highly needy and co-dependent people… just like I used to be in the past.
 
In teenage years, it is my belief we also often take depressing looks around. We know somewhere in us that we need to take better care of our self, but often, we cannot be bothered too much… unless someone close to us starts being agitated and then we might take some action mostly to shut them up. This is what I used to do anyway.
 
When adulthood enters the promises, I believe, like me in the past, many might feel defeated. I often asked myself,
 

“Is this what my life is supposed to be?”…….

 
Let me ask you,
 
A this point in your life right now…
 

  • Do you show your real self to others, the ‘as is’? By this I mean, do you show the good, ‘bad’, and perhaps the ‘ugly’ in you? Before you adamantly say ‘yes’, you might want to reconsider the last time you went on a date… How much did you try to impress or please the other person?….

  • Do you ignore your shit and go ‘renting’ from relationship to relationship?…. 

  • Are you still hoping someone will ‘buy’ your shit and ‘fix’ it for you?….

  • Do you now realize you are the common denominator with everything that is happening in your life?…. 

 
And if you believe that ‘time heals all wounds’, think about the last house you have owned…. Did any of its issues magically disappear without you, the owner, doing something conscious about it? 
 
I don’t know about you, but for me,
 

The price I have paid for my ignorance is high.

This is why I am dealing massively with my own internal crap; I have a mentor I see every week for 90 minutes.
 

How do you handle your relationship in your own home? 

 
With Kindness & Compassion,
Anne
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu. I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach whom you can reach at anne@walkinginside.com
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com