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Accountability Emotional Intelligence

DROP THE ADVICE. BUILD UPON IDEAS.

Little did I know that the hero’s cape is poisoned with shoulds.

We all have that friend, you know … that friend who loves to give advice, especially when their advice is unsolicited.

I used to be that friend; I thought it was my mission in life to tell others what they should do with their own life situation.

Have you ever had a friend like that?

Did it occur to me back then to pay heed to my own words? Most of the time, no. I was too busy giving advice to others!

For example, I would say things like,  “Oh! You have a headache? You should take an Advil.” or “Ouch! Your back is hurting? You should go lie down.”

Any argument coming out of the other person’s mouth as to why they needed to take charge of their own life situation in that moment, I was quick to retort, “Tut, tut, tut!” while fretting upon about what I thought should be done.

After all, I gave advice because I thought I knew better than those people.

In those days, I was certain that I knew what to do to fix things.

In my mind, I believed I knew exactly how the other person felt about what was happening to them and what to do about it. Therefore, I was quick to say, “You should do this” or “You should do that.”

I don’t know about you, but I so badly wanted to be a fixer back then; I looked for what I thought was wrong in people’s lives and I tried to fix it by telling them what they should do.

Little did I know that the hero’s cape is poisoned with shoulds.

But shoulds are killers!

Shoulds kill ideas and dreams faster than a bullet because they leave very little room (if any) for:

  • curiosity

  • exploration

  • feeling

  • discerning

  • loving

  • caring

  • infusing

  • equalizing

  • building, etc.

If I take an Advil for a headache, does this mean that Suzy or Joe should do the same?

Maybe in Suzy’s or Joe’s cases, taking an Advil or a nap might cause more harm.

Who truly knows what another person needs exactly?

This is why we all need room to freely explore.

I love how the Chinese translate the word ‘advice’ in Chinese Mandarin: 建议 (jianyi)

These two Chinese characters taken separately mean:
建 (jian): to build, construct, erect. We 建 (construct) power stations, bridges, roads, etc.
议(yi): opinion, view, exchange.

Together, these two Chinese characters mean

建议: the building exchanges of ideas 

According to the Chinese language, to give advice is to build ideas one upon the next.

In that context, giving advice has nothing to do with telling another person what to do, how to be, what to think, or how to feel. It has everything to do with freely exchanging ideas to our own individual betterment.

Maybe this is what Confucius meant when he said,

The essence of knowledge is: 

having it, to apply it;

not having it, to confess our ignorance.

In the past, I gave advice because I was unwilling to confess my own ignorance at paying heed to what I personally needed to do.

Keeping that in mind, let me ask you:

What is the cost to you for all your shoulds (unexplored possibilities)?

 

Here’s my tip for you today:

  • As you go about your day, remember that our shoulds are directed towards ourselves—what we personally need to do to remedy our own ignorance. If that is true, perhaps a good question to ask ourselves is, ‘What is it that I need to learn and apply in my own life situation right now?’

I wrote this article because I needed to learn and apply better how to share without giving advice.

What do you need to learn and apply in your own life situation right now? I’d love to know. Please leave me a message or drop a comment below.

Your EQ coach,
Anne

My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence coach who is recovering from a life of shoulds. Now I assist others make themselves the priority in their own life. You can reach me at https://walkinginside.com/contact-us
www.walkingniside.com

Photo by Jean-Frederic Fortier on Unsplash
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THREE WAYS IGNORING YOUR CREATIVITY IS BLOCKING YOUR DREAM JOB

When Joy* came to see me, she was dressed in black from head to toe, not because she found that colour trendy, but because, as she said, she thought it camouflaged her body fat. Looking at the ground as she said these words, she retreated deeply into her seat. This behaviour of hers told me a lot about Joy, how her life seemed to lack the vibrant colours of creativity. 
 
Through my talking with her, I found out she did not like her job and wanted a new position because she felt unseen and unheard by upper management. When she wrote her boss yet another memo about an ongoing problem in her division, she claimed her words landed on deaf ears. Ever been in that situation?
 
When I asked her if she had provided her boss with a viable solution to this ongoing problem, she quietly said no, then blurted out there was no point doing so because management apparently ‘never’ listens anyway.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew the problem,

but had no solution?

 
After her work shift, Joy confessed she went home feeling grumpy and exhausted. At night, she ate her dinner in her lap and flipped through Netflix programs to see what she would be watching for the next 2-3 hours. She went to bed at about the same time every night and slept on the same side on her bed every day. When she woke up the next morning, Joy said she repeated those behaviours “pretty much the same”.
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to be stuck in a routine that blocks creativity?

 
Joy was fed up with her current job and wanted a new position. She wanted a better job with better pay. Laughing, she said she wanted to become part of upper management so she could change the ways things were done in her division. This is why Joy was coming to see me, to assist her in landing her dream job position.
 
I asked…
 

“What would it feel like to have a solution to all your problems?”

 
At first, Joy thought I was joking with her, but when she saw I was being serious, her eyes lit up, she leaned forward, and she told me how she and her co-workers would stop stressing out and getting exhausted, especially when they were low on staff and clients kept walking in.
 

“Where do you believe the root of the problem is?”

 
Joy stopped talking and looked at me. Though she was tempted to say “management” (as she confessed later), she was also starting to realize she was the one complaining about an ongoing problem while offering zero viable solution to solve it. She quietly answered, “Me.”
 
That day, I sent Joy with simple homework to do. She was to eat her dinner at the dinner table. She was to write a short paragraph about her life, storytelling style, with an anecdote and lots of feeling. She was also to switch her sleeping position head to feet and to show up in more vibrant colours the next time I was seeing her.
 

What do you believe happens when we keep ignoring our creativity?

 
At our next coaching session, Joy told me how weird it felt at first sleeping ‘upside down’ but she was now liking it. She said she can now see the moon outside her bedroom window and it is lovely. She then showed me her paragraph that she had rewritten over and over. Her smile left as she blurted ‘but it’s not perfect’. As for her clothes, she was still wearing black from head to toe.
 
Like so many, Joy was fighting her own habits, habits that were familiar to her and also kept blocking her creativity from flowing. It is any wonder she had a hard time coming up with a viable, creative solutions?
 
Through further coaching with me, Joy realized she was the solution to all her problems.
 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become non-creative?

Why do we pursue crushing routine over flowing creativity?

 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was Joy living her life geared to constant routine ever going to advance her dream of finding creative solutions to all her problems?
 
Clearly, pursuing routine over creativity does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming aware of our potential. I am the solution to all my problems.

  • becoming flexible in thinking and behaviours. ‘What can I do right now to bring forth my creativity?’

  • becoming accountable for our actions. ‘How can I ensure I keep fostering my creativity and the one of others?”

 
I could certainly relate to Joy. I used to let routine rule my life and kill my creativity until I learned to embody that I am the solution to all my problems. As a result,  I changed my way of thinking and doing things and became highly accountable for all my choices.
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who want to access your creativity to land your dream job:

 

  • Use mathematical precision in your creativity. A ‘love’ for constant routine is usually associated with being risk-averse. Since being creative is about being willing to take risks, incorporate mathematical like precision in your creative solutions to feel safe. For example, Joy incorporated supporting statistics as to why her division had to change their way of doing business. Seeing these stats motivated her even further to come up with a viable solution to her ongoing problem at work.

  • Get out of your own way. Play the 30 squares game. Draw 30 squares and in each square write a solution to a specific problem. Before long, you might ‘run out’ of ‘logical’ ideas and start writing down ‘crazy’ solutions. Before you know it, you are out of your way as you allow viable solutions to present themselves more naturally.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we want to become more creative, the thing is, creativity seems to scare the shit out of many. Therefore, having someone holding us accountable for our displayed level of creativity is crucial to keep us going towards our dream job.

 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before she came to see me, Joy had all the best intentions in the world, but she lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as she felt challenged in her routine habits, she familiarly went back to wearing only black.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to put their actions where their mouth is, and like Joy, get to implement their creative solutions. Joy is now forming a consultancy company.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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HOW TO ELIMINATE A OO7 DOUBLE LIFE

When James* called upon me, he asked that we meet in an open restaurant downtown Vancouver. Asking him why there instead of my office, he laughed and said, ‘Because I need it this way.’ 
 
On the agreed upon date and time of rendez-vous, James sat down in front of me and immediately placed his hands under the table where I could Not see them. This gesture alone told me a lot about James, how easily he pretended to be emotionally open yet felt the want to hide once in front of me.
 
Through my talking with him, I found out James was one of nine children from a very large Catholic South American family. He grew up being an altar boy, going to Sunday school, and saying prayers. But something was Not working for him… In his teenage years, he realized he was gay and being gay is apparently something deemed unacceptable in his family and culture.
 
 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt rejected for what you are?

 
 
James moved to Vancouver, found a job, and said he met the ‘love of his life’, whom he married a couple of years later. Though saying he is happily married, James had two Facebook accounts, one ‘straight’ and one gay, to ‘spare’ the family as he said. Looking down, he confessed few people (if any) where he came from knew he was even married.
 
 

Can you imagine what it feels like to hide things from the people you love? 

 
 
In tears, James said he needed to come out of the closet as a gay and this is why he was coming to see me. He felt he could Not do it alone, he said this was too much for him to face alone.
 

 
I asked…
 
 

In a perfect world, what would your life be like right now?

 
 
Jame’s face brightened. He shared how he would only have one Facebook account and one Instagram account. He laughed saying he would show pictures from the ‘crazy’ adventures he and his husband have been on, their food expeditions, their vacations together, even their honeymoon trip…
 
I asked James if he truly loved his husband. Without hesitation he answered choking up, “Are you kidding me? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
 
I replied,
 
 

When we truly love someone, including ourselves, do we hide who we are?

 
 
James burst into tears. He did Not seem to care anymore whether the waiter or other patrons saw him crying; his shoulders were heaving up and down with heavy sobs. Then he took a deep breath, clenched his teeth, and said, “I deserve better! My husband deserves better! I am coming out!” I was impressed by this fiery determination.
 
That day, he went home with homework to do. Over the next seven days, he had to call every member of his family, his eight siblings and two parents, and tell each one of them he was gay. His framework looked something like ‘I am calling to share something important to me. I am gay. Being gay is a part of me, it is Not all of me. I love you.”
 
 

Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe in? How easy was it?

 
 
At our next coaching session, James sat down with his journal open. Where he had drawn ten little people with their name on top of each, three of them were still left unmarked by an ‘X’ signifying ‘the job is done’ and they knew he was gay.
 
I open directly,
 
 

What happened to you missing your goal?

 
James grabbed his journal with both hands. He mumbled how he was Not truly close to the only sibling left on the list as this person had once sexually assaulted him when he was a kid… He also said how many of his siblings were now sending him harassment messages telling him he was ‘wrong’, going to ‘hell, and ‘Don’t tell mom and dad! They’re too old and mom’s depression is too bad!’
 
Like so many, James was caught once more living a double life, living in the background of his own life while trying to get ‘approval’ from others, especially from members of his family.
 
 

Whose approval is most important to you to be happy?

 
I pointed to the top of the page where all his little people drawings were and I asked him to write down a story title expressing what his goal is. His pen almost pierced the paper as he wrote in capital letters at the top,
 

“I AM COMING OUT!”

 
 
Let me ask you…
 

Why do we become untruthful?

Why do we pursue lies?

 
 
I believe the answer is, because we think it will be better.
 
Is it though? How was James’ constant lying about being gay going to advance his goal of coming out of the closet?
 
Clearly, denying our truth does Not work.
 
With this in mind…
 

How do things become better?

 

I believe, things become better when we focus on 

  • becoming truthful. ‘What is my truth?’

  • becoming intentional. ‘What can I do right now to uphold my truth?’

  • becoming accountable. ‘What can I do to hold myself accountable so I live my truth?

 
I could certainly relate to James. When I got married, I did not tell my then husband about the way I grew up, the level of violence. I thought he would ‘love’ me more if I buried what had happened to me as a child. Can you relate? My life changed for the better when I became truthful, intentional, and accountable.
 
 

Here are some rock solid tips to assist you who may suffer from ‘007 Double Life  Syndrome’:

Once you have identified what your truth is, whether it is to come of the closet as gay or lesbian, leave an unhappy marriage, change jobs, or …
 

  • Make a list of who needs to know. When we make the decision to come out with our truth, often, we tend to believe everyone ‘must’ know all at once. Spare yourself feeling overwhelmed, work in stages.

  • Come up with an on point message telling your truth. Keep it short. Keep it sweet. Keep it to the point. Understand there is plenty of time later to go into the ‘Why did this happen?’ if you ever chose to.

  • Have an accountability system/person in place. Though many of us say we ‘know’ what we need to do in order to be happy, many of us end up losing our nerve when the stakes are deemed high.Therefore, having someone on your team who is Not emotionally attached to your situation allows for actions with a greater sense of clarity.

 
 
Now imagine somebody has just read these tips…
 

What do you believe will be their greatest challenge?

 
Before James came to see me, he had all the best intentions in the world, BUT he lacked a solid accountability system. This is why as soon as he went into ‘What will they think of me?’ he lost his nerve of telling his truth to his family.
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach who holds her clients highly accountable so they get to live their truth openly, and like James, get to come out at the top of their story page.
 
For coaching inquiries, reach out to me at anne@walkinginside.com
 
Your Emotional Intelligence Coach,
Anne
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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IS LINKEDIN BECOMING THE NEW TINDER?

Have you ever received a message from one of your LinkedIn contacts? In that moment, where were you physically? Were you at the office sitting at your desk? Were you standing at home with your toddler in your arms? Perhaps your spouse or teenager walked into the room as you were checking your messages? Keep these scenarios in mind as you read on…
 
One of my LinkedIn contacts, S. D., sent me a message in which he shared how his mother had recently died. He said he was feeling lost’ and needed ‘empathy’. Since we all go through turbulent moments sometimes, I messaged him with words I trust are compassionate. I received the following response from him, “this is what I meant by empathy in message. sorry im not happy doing this or when I’m not doing this. please have empathy. thanks”. 
 
To assist you in getting what S.D. was saying by ‘this is what I meant by empathy’, know that he sent me a full profile close-up picture of an erect penis. The picture was taken at such a close range that pubic hair and veins were easily discernible or perhaps it was just my big Mac screen tricking my eyes?
 
 

Do you consider racy pictures a rare occurrence on LinkedIn?

 
 
For many of my business contacts, including myself, this is actually a common reality. In the course of business, many of us get solicited by what I call ‘The Invisible Crowd’, the men and women who believe they need to show racy pictures in order to get our attention.
 
 
S.D. seems quite young, early 20s, about the same age as my adult son. You might wonder,
 
 

Could young adults be the only ones sharing racy pictures on LinkedIn?

The answer is NO.

 
 
Let me introduce to you D.L. who is in his late 30s apparently. In his message to me, he said that he found me ‘hot’  and wanted to ‘f*ck  me’. Perhaps wanting to make sure I really got what he was saying, I got one penis picture (sparing you this one again) and a series of chest / muscles pictures (like the one included with this article). The difference between him and S.D. is that S.D. messaged me directly on LinkedIn and D.L. took my business cell phone from my LinkedIn profile to text me his ‘information’.
 
 

Is LinkedIn becoming the new Tinder?

 
Meet D. S., a businessman I presume to be in his 40s based on the fully clothed picture of himself that accompanied his email. Here is what he had to say after checking my profile on LinkedIn and grabbing my business email from the LinkedIn network:
 

  “… I must confess you are pretty…”

“… I understand the medium is a business networking medium and not a dating or social networking website and i don’t intend to use it for one .”

“…hope to learn more about you too that is if you are single…”

 
 
Still not convinced about the lack of ethical behaviour some LinkedIN users are displaying? Let’s ask A.W. to see what he has to say. A.W. claims he is in his 50s and, like D.S., checked my LinkedIn profile then grabbed my business email from there:
 

“I read your profile on linked-in and you caught my eye…”

“This is all new for me, it is the  first time i would ever go against protocol of doing business only on the Linked-in website.”

“You should check me out and let me know what you think.”

 
 
Some people are shocked when I share with them the level of unethical behaviour I am at times encountering on LinkedIn from men and women of all ages. Like me, they have also seen instances where people have spoken up against racy pictures or trolling emails, saying that, “LinkedIn is Not the new Tinder.”
 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach. Though I am skilled at addressing potential unethical behaviours in the workplace, many business professionals are not as they have shared with me in private sessions.
 

Now, to the people behaving like predators on LinkedIn, here is what I have to say:

 

Saying that you do not know you are behaving unethically, 

when the evidence clearly says you do know,

 is a terrible defence. 

 
 
If you want to lie to yourself, feel free to do so. Just don’t lie to me.
 

According to the Canadian Mental Health Commission of Canada, in any given year:

  • 1/5 in Canada experiences a mental health problem or illness, with a cost of over $50 BILLION to the economy.

  • Only 1/3 who experience a mental health problem or illness report that they have sought and received services and treatment.

  • In the workplace, mental health problems and illnesses typically account for approximately 30% of short- and long-term disability.

  • Mental health problems and illnesses are rated one of the top three drivers of both short- and long-term disability claims by more than 80% of Canadian employers.

  • As early as 2010, mental health conditions were responsible for 47% of all approved disability claims in the federal civil service, almost double the percentage of twenty years earlier.

  • Mental health problems and illnesses also account for more than $6 billion in lost productivity.

 
This is just Canada… Now imagine what the numbers must be like in the USA with their population 10X bigger than Canada’s…
 
Just for fun, let’s do a quick math… Let’s take a Canadian company of 1,000 employees…

  • 200 (1/5) employees are currently experiencing a mental health problem or illness.

  • Since only 33% are seeking treatment (33% x 200 = 66), this means 134 (200-66) are playing ostrich. What does playing ostrich mean? Playing ostrich means answering ‘I’m fine!’ when one’s world is actually collapsing on the inside.

Now, for these 134 employees refusing to acknowledge they might need more emotional intelligence tools and techniques… maybe you even know someone in this situation right now…
 

What is the cost to your company for short- and long-term disability pay-out? 

 

What is the cost to your company in lost productivity?

 

What is the cost to your company in potential harassment lawsuits?

 
Before answering, bear in mind I received these pictures during business hours and these four persons were most likely sitting at their office desk, maybe even across you…
 

But perhaps… worst of all…

 

What is the cost to you for having been exposed to predator behaviours?

Emotionally?

Financially?

Physically?

Spiritually? 

 
What is the cost to your spouse or your child who happened to be in the same room as you when you checked your LinkedIn messages and got greeted by an erect penis, physical chest, or close-up vagina?
 
Let me get something straight…
 
 

It’s not because you may not see it in your own LinkedIn inbox 

that racy pictures/emails/texts do not exist 

within your business network or company. 

 
 

Playing ostrich to predator behaviour

not only condones this behaviour (agreement by looking the other way), 

it has the potential of becoming extremely costly to you and your company.

 
 
Since people suffering from mental illness cost the Canadian economy $50 BILLION IN ANY GIVEN YEAR, what are these 134 employees truly costing a 1,000 employees company?
 
Assuming that total claims by overall employees equal $500,000 (I am being extremely generous by stating a low number as an example) and 47% are mental related claims, we are looking at a ballpark number of $235,000 (47% x $500,000)
 
Without a doubt, $235,000 is a lot of money that could have been contributed generously to any financial bottom line or even your year-end bonus.
 
By hiring me as your Emotional Intelligence Coach, spending $50,000- $75,000 to ensure your employees understand, live, and uphold strong emotional boundaries is a relatively small fee to pay compared to $235,000 with a raining chance of even more costly harassment lawsuits. From where I am sitting, it looks like a financial savings of 80%+.
 

Is LinkedIn becoming the new Tinder?

Are you truly prepared to find out?

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu. I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach and Authentic Speaker who can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com. Let’s make Emotional Intelligence a growing asset within your company instead of you incurring a predator-type liability.
 
Respectfully,
Anne
P.S. If you wish to receive the names of these four persons behaving like predators to ensure they are never part of your business network, kindly let me know. I do have pictures and emails to support what I have shared in this article.
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
 

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ROUND AND ROUND

ROUND AND ROUND
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Ups and downs,
We think that’s life
Until we get off our mount.
 
Round and round
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life.
Laughter and tears
We think we’re here
Until we go deep within.
 
In and in
We go again
On the merry-go-round of life,
Darkness and light
Fuse into one
Until we go round and round.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
What makes any of us go round and round in circles?
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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HOW FAR AM I WILLING TO GO?

HOW FAR AM I WILLING TO GO?
 
Am I willing to go beyond the stars
Where you and I were born
Where the sun befriends the moon
Where rainbows bridge us all?
 
Am I willing to go further than the eye can see
Where trees plant their roots
Where flowers drop their seeds
Where leaves take in the colours of seasons?
 
Am I willing to go deeper than the ocean floor
Where all the river beds make one
Where the illusion of division is triumphed over
Where we all feel as one?
 
How far am I willing to go?
 
I am willing to go
At the centre of myself
Where I hear it all begins
The point of origin
That unites us all.
 
I am willing to go
Where ‘broken’ lines disappear
Where there is no you or me
Where there is only a we.
 
I am willing to go
Where love is no more a concept
Where love becomes fully being
Where love is visible in all.
 
If ever I think I have reached this place
Where I hear it all begins
Ask me again
‘How far am I willing to go?’
And I will come back to
Being in the here and now
Until we all feel that we belong.
 
With Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
Categories
acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Confidence Conscience Courage Curiosity Emotional Intelligence Empathy Enabling Equality Faith Forgiveness freedom Friendship Gratefulness Happiness Hope Ignorance Imagination Inner Child Inner Peace Insanity Intellect Intent Intentions Intuition Joy Leadership Life Purpose Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Patience Peace Racism Reality Relationship Sadness Sanity Satisfaction Self-Confidence Self-empowerment Self-Worth Sensitivity Settling Shame Social Awareness Space Success Tolerance Trust WalkingInside

I — USED TO THINK

I — USED TO THINK
 
I used to think
A tree was just a tree
I saw it with my own mind
Roots, trunk, branches, leaves.
 
I used to think
You were different than me
I saw it with my own mind
Bodies, fences, judgement, fear.
 
Thanks to my mentor, I met me
For a moment, I stopped thinking,
In stillness, my mind cracked open
Discovering sunshine cooling breeze within.
 
How refreshing
To hear inside the giggles of a small child
Who never thought we were separate
Who’s always known we all belong.
 
Because of my love for this child and me
The lines in my mind are becoming blurry
If there is nothing separating you from me
Then, who am I? What are we?
 
Willing to know, I ask her to show me the way
How I may serve her from a place of integrity
Laughing, she is showing a world full of wonders
Where roots and bodies, you and me,
Are merging into, this or something greater,
Then… I used to think.
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
 
To know more about Soul Leadership: www.fullmontyleadership.com
 
P.S. With this post, I am including more forms and patterns I have seen when opening up pictures. This time, I am not showing the pictures they may have originated from because I want you to imagine what can possibly give rise to …
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acceptance Accountability Assertiveness Authenticity Awareness Blind Spots Commitment Compassion Courage Curiosity Depression Emotional Intelligence Empathy Forgiveness freedom Gratefulness Happiness Ignorance Intent Intentions Joy Leadership Love Magic Mindfullness Parenting Self Reality Relationship Sadness Self-empowerment Self-Worth Social Awareness WalkingInside

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT SADNESS?

If I were to ask you right now,
 

“Where does sadness come from?”

 
What is your answer?
 
 
I have come to realize that ‘sadness’ is one of these big words that so many people use without truly stopping to ask themselves,
 

“What does sadness mean to me?” 

 
 
At least, this used to be my case in the past…
 
 
But now, I am fascinated with what I call blanket words, words we seem to throw casually over whatever event, person, or situation we might be unable to cope with at the present moment…
 
Sounds familiar? 
 
As usual for me lately, when I want to know to the bottom of something, I start where it all begins… with the words we were taught as children…
 
 

In English, the word sadness (sad) first came from Germanic origin, saed,

meaning ‘sated, wary’.

 
 
As you may probably know, the word ‘sated’ is linked to ‘saturated’, meaning ‘having enough’ or ‘feeling full’.
 
Sooo,
 

Is sadness ‘having enough wariness that we feel full?’

 
If this is the case, then this statement implies there is no other room within ourselves to experience any other feeling in that moment.
 
Is it true?
 
Is it always true?
 
Most likely Not!
 
Therefore,
 

Is sadness a feeling that can be felt in conjunction with other feelings?

 
 
Wooooo….
 
Then it begs the question,
 

“Why so sad if joy is just beside?”

 
 
 
I kept on digging….
 
Turns out the word sadness took its saed away and turned to the Dutch zat, the German satt and the Latin satis, also meaning ‘enough’. But then, something fascinating happened!
 

The original meaning of sadness was replaced in Middle English 

by the senses ‘steadfast, firm, serious, sober’.

 
 
OK, now I am going to poke fun here…
 

Is sadness a steadfast feeling? 

 
According to Google, steadfast means “resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.’
 
HOLY SPITBALLS!
 

Is sadness something we must resolutely and dutifully 

firm and unwavering feel?

 
To say resolutely, one has to determinedly agree to to be sad first.
 
To say dutifully, one has to agree to continue feeling sad out of ‘duty’.
 
To say firm and unwavering, one has to believe they have zero choice in the matter.
 
Is it true?
 
Is it always true?
 
 
 
Apparently, it is only much much later that the English decided to give sadness the meaning of ‘sorrowful’, ‘a feeling involving grief or loss’.
 
Wow, it seems to have taken the English quite a long time to figure out what sadness means to them?
 
Now, maybe the French know ‘better’?
 

The word ‘tristesse’ comes from the Latin tristicia, tristitia, meaning

… an affliction

… a melancholic temperament

… an ambiance marked by affliction or melancholy

… an aspect of something that triggers a state of affliction

 
 
Fascinating, is you ask me!
 
Why?
 

If sadness is ONE aspect of our self that is feeling afflicted,

then it implies we have within our self OTHER aspects that are non-sad.

 
 
HOLY REVELATION!
 
This is amazing news for anyone who has ever believed they might never come out of depression.
 
This means, sadness is just but one feeling within our self that, we can choose to feel and move to joy and happiness.
 
When I hit what I call the shitter, I had no idea I had been depressed my whole life.
 
I mean,
 

How would anyone know they are depressed 

if they grew up with depressed people (their normal)? 

 
 
For me, feeling depressed was my normal, what I grew up with. Therefore, unknowingly (this is what normal does, engrain stuff in us), I carried this feeling of depression with me throughout most of my life.
 
I never quite understood why other people could be so happy looking at a flower or hugging a tree… until I met my mentor Dov Baron. He showed me sadness was just one feeling within me, that there were many others, and I could choose to feel more positive feelings into my life.
 
WELCOME SELF-EMPOWERMENT!
 
Yes, it has taken me a lot of self-compassion to change my negatively wired upbringing to feel more positive feelings of well-being.
 
Here is the thing though, if I can do it with a deeply raging father who sexually abused me as a child and a psychotic mother who believed she was pregnant with Jesus Christ, I firmly believe you also have the power within yourself to change your life. We all do!
 
The question is,
 

“What meaning are you now willing to assign to sadness?”

 
I trust you have found value in this article. My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Authentic Speaker, and Compassion Blogger. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With Compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com

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AWAKENING

AWAKENING
 
I awoke in the middle of the night,
Frightened and scared,
Thinking I was alone.
I looked around the bedroom,
Stillness and shadows greeting me.
What an unfamiliar sight, I thought to myself,
To be alone with one’s thoughts,
To be shyly greeting one’s feelings.
 
Out of habit,
I called out a name,
Thinking you would come,
But the echo came back empty.
I did not yet understand,
Love is neither a name or a game,
It is a flowing feeling,
Like waves, rising and falling,
Amidst our own waters.
 
Thinking I knew better,
I turned my bed into a raft,
I paddled day and night,
Still hoping to find you,
Afloat on another raft nearby.
 
Feeling more lost than ever,
I finally stopped doing this crazy thing,
And started instead to
Listen to the wind
Who has always known my name.
 
It said,
“Dive,
Dive deep within,
For the one you are looking for,
The Beloved,
Is awaiting.”
 
I told the Wind,
“I am no Mermaid,
To flag my tale under water.”
And the Wind softly replied,
“Trust and Have Faith,
Within you is always the Way.”
 
So I took a majestic dive
Perhaps the way Dolphins do?
Feeling my own breathing
Echoing back to me
The beauty of universes within.
 
I now use my raft as a diving board,
In whatever room I find myself in,
I remember Ocean Waves belong
To the One
Awakened in the middle of the night.
 
With Deep Gratitude,
Anne
 
Dov Baron, thank you for being the Wind speaking softly to me, I am grateful
 
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com
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HOW TO GET THROUGH “HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU”

I look at him, a playful grin on my face. I am laying on the bed, watching him as he enters the bedroom. “Did you miss me?” he asks casually. As I pull him towards me, I whisper, “Let me show you…”
 
We have all been in this kind of situation…. where we have believed we were in ‘love’ and ‘all’ that mattered was ‘being’ together, right?
 
… Until the dreadful moment where we realize…
 

“What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
 
In the past, I have had my share of this kind of realizations. Feeling squeezed, I wondered,
 

 “What is wrong? Why isn’t he that into me?”

 
 
I thought… it all started ‘great’… We locked eyes across the room and felt a strong physical attraction towards one another.
 
Can you relate?
 
… And before we took the time to really know each other, there we were, showing how much we had missed each other by having sex.
 
 

Is sex automatically synonymous of intimacy?

 
 
I was so eager to have a relationship that I did not know how to be in a relationship.
 
Sounds familiar?
 
Before long, I started noticing his,“Hey, my battery’s about to die, gotta go, ok? Love ya though!”
 
This type of behaviour from him surfaced especially when I wanted to talk about our lack of spending time together…
 
 

Is spending time together automatically synonymous of intimacy?

 
To my increasingly ignored hurt feelings, he answered things like, “You’re harshing my mellow right now!” before storming out of the door, leaving me feeling even more unwanted, unloved, and undesired.
 
It is in moments like these that I have said,
 

“What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
 
 
It has taken me many years of mentoring (I was stubborn) to deeply realize that,
 
 

Like attracts like. 

 
Go back. Read it again.
 
 

A toxic relationship is based on two individuals having the 

SAME primary wound, but

DIFFERENT coping mechanisms.

 
Look at it as a magnet… The magnet is the toxic relationship wound and each end is one person’s coping mechanisms (+ or -). A + could be confrontational, a – could be withdrawal…
 
 

Now, what is your primary wound? 

 
My primary wound is the shame of existence. I grew up in a household where my father treated me like chattel, ‘do as I say or else!’ I had to blindly obey, no matter what I felt. I mainly felt unseen, unheard, unloved. This is why in the past I became attracted to men who treated me like chattel, who did not see me for who I truly am, who did not believe my needs, feelings, and emotions mattered.
 
Is it any surprise to you now that I attracted men who were not that into me?
 
What about you?
 
Let’s take it deeper…
 

What is the greatest form of intimacy?

 
 
I have come to deeply believe,
 

The greatest form of intimacy is, vulnerability by authenticity.

 
 
Go back. Read it again.
 
 
What does this mean, you may ask?
 

Intimacy is, 

 

Being vulnerable with our own self 

by discovering who we are at the core of our being.

 

It is the greatest form of self-love.

 
 
Think about it… If we start discovering who we truly are… where our past hurt comes from… and do somethings to heal our self… What do you believe happens to toxic relationships?
 
I strongly believe,
 

Toxic relationships then become a thing of the past.

 
 
For example, I often get propositioned by men who approach me with seemingly hungry eyes as they say, “I love how deeply connected you are to yourself, it’s sexy as fuck…” 
 
Their dry hunger I perceive, this kind of self-starving self-love, puts me off so much that I energetically close the door on them.
 
Why?
 

With self-discovery comes discernment! 

 
 
When we have discernment, we feel what works for us, we feel gradually into situations or possible relationships. There is no more denying, no more giving in to just blind physical attraction alone, we become clear!
 
 

How do we become intimate with our self?

 

  • Spend time alone. Ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now?’ and ‘What do I really want in my life?’ Act rightfully upon these answers. Build compassion for your self.

 

  • Build strong emotional boundaries. I know, it is easy to say and hard to do, especially for many of us who spend more time stating what they do not want rather than deeply feeling knowing what they do want.

 

But for people like you and me who are deeply committed to their healing,

 

  • Hire an emotional intelligence coach or mentor. We all have blind spots and unless conditioning is transcended, guess what? It will keep running the show under, “What the hell did I get myself into?”

 
Now, I am so deeply into-me-see (intimacy) that I am becoming a different kind of magnet, a magnet who attracts people like me, getting intimately connected with their own self.
 

Like attracts like, remember?

 
My name is Anne Beaulieu and I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach, Authentic Speaker, and Bestselling Author. I can be reached at anne@walkinginside.com
 
With love & compassion,
Anne
 
www.walkinginside.com
www.fullmontyleadership.com